My partner and I weren't trying for a baby so when I fell pregnant last November it was a shock. Two days after the test when I bled it was upsetting but we figured it just wasn't meant to be! However after this we both decided that we wanted a family and started trying properly!
It took almost 7 months but eventually I sat on board my military ship with a positive test in my hands! My partner was on a course working away at the time and I will always remember the journey to go to his and show him the scan, along with the little baby grow I had bought to make it extra special!
After many tears of shock and excitement we started planning for the future!
I had really bad morning sickness all the way through and my boobs were so sore I was in maternity bras from 6 weeks, then at 8 and half weeks I suddenly didn't feel anything anymore. Call it a woman's sixth sense but something just didn't feel right, I no longer had any symptoms and I just wasn't as tired anymore, my partner told me not to worry but we booked an early scan anyway!
Despite feeling that something wasn't right, lying in that bed and hearing the words there is no heartbeat, ripped me to shreds and it still does! They said my baby died at 7 weeks, so I had carried him/her around for two weeks without ever knowing! It killed me! We got a taxi back home and we didn't leave my bed! I had surgery 2 days later to and was sent home on z4 weeks sickleave!
I am back at work now, surrounded by people who have just gone on paternity, a woman who I share an office with talking about her current pregnancy, a boss who is 4 months and in maternity rig and surrounded by friends announcing there 12 week scans over social media!
Call me crazy but I just don't know how to cope! I feel lost and wanna scream at people to leave me alone and that life is so unfair coz why can't they have this wonderful thing happening and I have to go through this torture!
I am hoping beyond hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that me and my partner can get through this and start again! I just have to keep thinking that it was genetic and try to stop blaming myself.
Life will go on, hopefully and one day me and him will have our little family together!
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