Our son Jack who was almost four when we decided to try for another child.
We found out in early March that I was pregnant and were ecstatic. We told my close family and everyone was thrilled.
My scan date was the day after my son's 4th birthday in April, I remember being so happy on the day of the scan and I couldn't wait to see our new addition.
We got into the room all smiles and the sonographer started to scan my stomach then it happened, she started asking date questions as to how far gone I should be. I automatically had a sinking feeling in my stomach my husband was blissfully unaware.
She then called for another staff member, which was when we heard the words that still haunt me today "It's not good news I'm afraid." We were led into a side room everything now felt like a bit of a blur, then we were led through the waiting room with tears rolling down my face.
We saw a midwife who talked through options, taking a pill, having a procedure or letting the 'miscarriage' happening naturally. My first thought was the natural option, I hated the thought of someone removing my baby from me.
I called my mum whilst waiting for my paperwork she was looking after my son, she asked why I was late then I just broke down and told her all she could say that she was sorry.
The midwife returned with all my info, she gave me my scan of my baby in a brown envelope, it felt so clinical I thought I should be rushing out of here wanting to show everyone!
The following hours were a blur, we had to go out to get food for my son's birthday party we had arranged at home for the next day. We popped to a friend's house after to borrow some items for the party.
My friend had lost a baby late on and knew my pain, I told her and she cried with me, it helped me to accept what was happening...
We arrived home both numb. I opened a bottle of wine that I'd kept in a cupboard that I thought I'd be opening as a celebration of me giving birth, instead I was opening it commiserate myself and to act out at the news I had.
I was feeling bitter and so very sad.
The next day I woke up early and sat in the kitchen listening to my son wake upstairs and heard him excitably laughing. I had to pick up a cake I'd ordered with my dad the car journey was quiet and awkward both of us not knowing what to say.
We had a lot of family over and a few people already knew which helped me I felt lost and forced a smile all through the day, my mother in law gave me a necklace to remember my lost baby which I treasure today. I remember driving after the party on my own and crying my eyes out with a relief I could finally let it out again.
I ended up choosing a procedure to remove my baby and went in a few days after it was a day procedure I remember thinking this can't be happening to me, whilst waiting a man came to speak to me to sign some papers, I remember reading 'removal of conception' it made me burst into tears.
I did not want to remove anything it sounded so harsh and blunt. I'd emailed my closest work colleagues about my news and that I'd be off of work they all text or emailed me whilst I was waiting for my procedure.
It helped to know I wasn't going through this alone my husband was just as numb as me, I woke from my procedure alone as I sent my husband home it was a empty awful feeling.
Over the past days,weeks,months it was hard I was bitter and sad, everything on the TV seemed to be about pregnancy and there were so many pregnant people in the shops, I felt so angry.
Talking to my friends helped a lot and I went on a few support online groups it was nice to know I wasn't alone.
Three months after I found out I was pregnant again. We had a break away planned away with our little boy but on the morning of getting ready I started to bleed.
We ended up going the car journey was awful, instead of looking forward to the break I was thinking I've lost another baby. The break was strained and I couldn't wait to get back to book an appointment.
The doctor wasn't very sympathetic but booked me in for a scan where we saw that unfortunately I had lost my baby. My husband was even more distraught but for some reason I felt stronger. I felt it wasn't meant to be and concentrated on my little boy who was starting school.
I felt like I need to keep going, scared that if I gave up we wouldn't try again. It was a mine field of emotions but we spoke openly about it which made things better.
In October of that year I got a positive test again it was a nerve-wracking experience waiting for the scan, on the day I was a mess waiting for bad news, when I was called it was in the same room I had the bad news I fell apart feeling like I was having a panic attack.
I just blurted everything out to the sonographer who quickly started scanning to put my mind at rest thankfully we a little heartbeat, the pregnancy was fraught with me worrying I don't think I ever relaxed waiting for something to happen , we had one scare where my midwife couldn't find a heartbeat as you can imagine I was in bits we managed to get a urgent scan and to our delight our baby was fine.
In June 2014 I gave birth to my son Oscar.
I put the scan picture of my miscarried baby in a frame with my other scan pictures. The babies I miscarried will always be in our thoughts.
I got through dark times with online support groups, lots of taking to my friends and husband, don't bottle up your grief express it rely on friends and family, take your time.
I looked at my scan picture a few days after my procedure as I couldn't face looking before but now it's a comfort to me to have a picture of him/her.
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