Always loved, never Forgotten; the most important words to describe my lost babies

Tracey has suffered both a late and a missed miscarriage.

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by Tracey Edwards

May 2016

Pregnant at 40, I was shocked but happy! It was a text book pregnancy until 18 weeks when I experienced a large bleed and  was advised that what will be will be, so no further action was taken. I struggled through the next 5 days until my waters broke and I knew we were in trouble! Within a space of 45 minutes I had lost my beautiful sleeping Angel and was in total shock.I struggled to deliver the afterbirth as well as answer every question that was being asked of me.

My best friend arrived and I was tested, poked & prodded then left alone with my Baby! The tears just kept falling! After around 8 hours I walked my baby down to the nurses' station and told them to keep my baby safe!

It was time for me to go home; a Mum to a sleeping Angel and an adult son!

I signed all relevant paperwork and was discharged. My last memory at the hospital that day was walking out of the hospital carrying a memory box, not my beautiful baby. The next 6 months were the toughest of my life I blamed myself, I blamed everyone else. My mind wanted answers that couldn't be answered. Even when I was told there was no medical reason for me to miscarry, I still couldn't understand.

I couldn't bear to hear a baby cry, I had to cross the street or leave the shop if I saw a Pram. I couldn't visit family as they had little ones. On top of this I had a baby to name and a baby's funeral to arrange. Every meticulous detail was my choice put into place so it would be perfect for my Eleanor Grace when she was safely placed in with her Grampy's grave with a small close family gathering tucked up in her bumpy blanket.

I had specially made 2; one for my daughter and one for her memory box. The vicar was fantastic she wore Daisy Dr Martins and her send off was as beautiful as it could be for my sleeping Angel. We saw Sunshine & Snow just like the day she was delivered. The funeral staff cried, The vicar cried, We all cried. Then we celebrated her short life together as family.

We supplied silver engraved frames containing her poem written in pink writing to the family and we all often talk about Eleanor Grace she will always be our Precious Sleeping Angel.

Six months after losing Eleanor Grace at I found out I was pregnant again. I really didn't know if I could mentally cope with another pregnancy or another loss. I was still grieving losing my Precious Sleeping Angel. Each day was another day pregnant, each day was another day I had managed to stay pregnant, each day was another day where I had managed not to cry. It was a desperate battle with my head.

I couldn't get excited, I couldn't enjoy being pregnant again.

First scan I just knew something wasn't right the look on her face spoke volumes she made excuses left the room and another lady entered. She looked at the screen and walked out of the room it was then was I asked to go sit in a different room. I knew this wasn't standard procedure. The news was broken to me that I had what they called a missed miscarriage and that I had options of what to do next.

I refused all medical intervention and went home to let nature take its course. My second lost baby, my third child, is buried in a pot in my garden covered by the most beautiful miniature rose which flowers every year. We will never know if it was a boy or a girl we will never know why this had happened again. We coped much better this time we cried a little less. We processed the grief a little faster. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Baby has its own little memory box tucked away in a bigger box with Eleanor Graces box every anniversary I remove the memory boxes have a little look and a little cry then I tuck them both back away and carry on with day to day life! Always Loved, Never Forgotten; the most important words to describe my lost babies!

 

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Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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