All this time I had been stroking my belly and speaking to it, no one could hear me or feel my touch

They told me that my body wasn't flushing the 'feotus' so I had to go back the next day to have a dnc. I went home, still an empty shell.

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November 2016

Stacie Lewis

It was a week after my 25th birthday. Me and my fiance had been trying to conceive for a few months now and I was sitting in our bathroom holding a positive pregnancy test.

I was so shocked I ended up doing 5 more.

I can remember feeling so excited, all the thoughts racing through my mind of meeting our gorgeous new addition, things we need to do before our little one arrives, how our lives have changed for the better.

It was a whirlwind few weeks of excitement and me and my fiance was so happy.

I kept buying cute little outfits that caught my eye when I was out shopping, thinking about different names for each gender, making lists of all the gadgets and gizmos we need, reading up on all the do's and dont's so I didn't make a mistake by eating something I shouldn't, or exercising too much, taking my folic acid everyday.

Things were perfect and I was in the right frame of mind and place in my life to become a parent.

I kept telling my slowly growing bump everything, from how my day was to our upcoming wedding. Things couldn't get any better than this.

The letter arrived from the hospital with our first scan date, I couldn't wait to meet our gorgeous prince or princess.

I felt so lucky to be getting through the first trimester with very few pregnancy symptoms. We arrived at the hospital, pregnancy notes in one hand, my fiance holding my other hand, waiting patiently with all the other excited parents-to-be.

We got called through and I laid there on the bed getting more and more excited about seeing my beautiful baby.....and there it was, right in front of me, this perfect little human growing inside me.

I felt more love at that moment, than I ever knew possible.

A few minutes of silence went by but I didn't mind, I just kept looking and smiling at my fiance, but I could see a worried look on his face.

The sonographer turned to me and said she would like to do an internal as she wasn't picking up a heartbeat but not to worry, sometimes the scanner doesn't always pick it up. I was fine with it, still not knowing what was happening, just excited that I got to see my gorgeous baby a bit more.

After a very uncomfortable few minutes of being poked and prodded, the sonographer looked at me with sadness in her eyes and told me I had had a miscarriage. How is this possible? My baby is right there, how can I have had a miscarriage?

We got whisked into a side room where we had to wait for a nurse to come and explain everything. I sat there, not able to feel any emotion.

The nurse asked a few questions about bleeding and pains but I didn't have any of that, no sign this was going to be the outcome of what was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life.

They put it down to a missed miscarriage. My baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks. How did I not know that my baby has passed away 3 weeks ago?

All this time I had been stroking my belly and speaking to it, no one could hear me or feel my touch.

They gave me 2 options, to stay in and have some tablets which will help me flush the 'foetus' or go home and wait for it to happen naturally. I decided to do the natural option.

I didn't want any medication from people who didn't even acknowledge my baby as a human and kept referring to it as a 'foetus'. I know it sounds silly but that 'foetus' meant everything to me.

I went home and had to break the news to both sets of parents. I still hadn't cried. All I kept thinking was how I had let everyone down.

This was supposed to be our first child together and I let my fiance down, this was my parents first grandchild and I had to tell them and my in-laws that there was no longer a heartbeat.

I have never felt like such a failure as I did at that point. The news didn't sink in for a few days.

I carried on, plodding through life like an unemotional robot, dreading the moment that I would see the first sign of blood to confirm what they had told me at the hospital...but it never came.

We went on holiday about 2 weeks after the scan which helped me relax a little...but all I kept thinking was, the doctors and nurses must have been wrong. There was still no sign that I had had a miscarriage, it made me begin to hope again.

When we came back, I had to go back to have another scan to see what was happening. We sat in the waiting room again, with all the other excited parents to be, waiting for what felt like an eternity.

We got called through and I prayed to God that there would be a heartbeat, that these past few weeks had just been a nightmare and they missed it the first time. There, on the screen in front of me, was my gorgeous baby again...but still no heartbeat.

They told me that my body wasn't flushing the 'feotus' so I had to go back the next day to have a dnc. I went home, still an empty shell.

The next day I made my way to the ward with my fiance and had to sit and wait for my name to be called. I knew that I would come out of theatre babyless and not being a Mother anymore.

I managed to cry, and cry, and cry. I never thought this could happen and didn't know how often it happened until after.

I would never want anyone to ever go through that pain and heartache. You never forget what happened but it does get easier with time.

I now have 2 gorgeous daughters who are my World, but I very often think of who my first baby would be, what they would look like, how they would be with their little sisters.

I still cry every year on the 18th September, when my baby was sadly taken away from me but now I have my 2 daughters, I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, even when you can't see it at first.

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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