I will start off by saying that my husband and I now have 2 amazing little girls - aged 3 and 1. But before them, there was another baby. I was so excited to find out I was pregnant. Then, at about 6 weeks, when we were on holiday, I had some bleeding. Just a little bit so I tried to put it out of my mind. From then on, everything seemed to be OK.
It was at our 12 week scan that we found out that the baby had died. Well, they could only find it on an internal scan. They said that at the stage it was at there might not be a heartbeat yet, so I would have to go back the following week. But I knew there was no chance. My husband and I held each other and cried and cried and cried. I did have doubts because of the bleeding, but we had gone into that scan so excited to see our baby for the first time, and to be able to tell everyone. Instead we came out devastated, whilst other couples around us were enjoying the special time we had hoped for.
A week later they confirmed what we knew. I had had some more bleeding by that stage, and so I decided to wait a week to see I if I would complete the miscarriage naturally, failing which I was booked in for an ERPC.
That weekend I was visiting my sister in Devon and I did miscarry naturally. The embryo left me whole and inside the sack, and I was surprised that it was so tiny and so beautiful. The next day I called to cancel the ERPC and was asked to go in for another scan to confirm I had miscarried. The wall of my uterus was still thick, but I was still bleeding so I decided to wait it out.
I was confident that this would be over after another week. It wasn't.
I only had 1mm of tissue to lose, so I opted for medical management. We spent new years eve in hospital waiting. Nothing happened. A week later another scan and I was told that the miscarriage was complete. I doubted this as I hadn't lost anything further, but I was desperate for it to be true so I didn't argue.
Over the next few weeks I tried to move on and get myself psychologically ready to try again. But I was completely devastated and could think of nothing but the baby and the hopes for the future that I'd lost. I took a few pregnancy tests to check it was clear before we tried again, and they came back with feint pregnant lines. But I knew I couldn't be pregnant. I went back to the hospital and was fobbed off. Nothing changed so I went back again and insisted that this was sorted. They did a test, which confirmed that I did still have pregnancy hormone and asked me to wait yet another week so they could be sure there wasn't a new pregnancy before anything was done. When I went back I was tested again, and everything was normal! What a relief I felt. In all, my miscarriage had taken over 4 months - yes, 4 months - to complete.
We started trying straight away and I fell pregnant the first month. At last I felt I could breathe again. But there was so much fear that it would happen again. And more bleeding. But this time I had it looked at straight away. And it was Ok! The 3 month scan was terrifying - but it was OK! And the wonderful little result ( and her equally wonderful little sister) are fast asleep upstairs.
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