All I want is my baby in my arms, not a booklet on my kitchen table

We will try again and hope our rainbow baby happens but I will never ever forget the little life I had inside me even if it was only for 6 weeks.

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.

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October 2016

It had took us 3 years but finally we did it a positive test result we where so happy, we talked about family holidays, Christmas and how we couldn't wait to have our little one running around. 

I was 11 weeks pregnant and it was my day off work. I was just doing my usual bits for the day when I thought oh toilet trip again. To my horror I saw I was bleeding not a lot but enough to notice.

Without stopping I grabbed my bag and called my husband out of work.

I went straight up to A and E. I was booked into the walk in centre and saw a doctor. She did a pregnancy test and it came back positive and I didn't have a water infection.

She asked if I was in pain and I wasn't so she said not to worry and booked me a scan for 5 days time as it was past 5pm and she couldn't scan me there. I left feeling confused, something's not right I can tell.

The following day I spotted on and off but at 4pm panic set in again. Again we rushed to a different hospital I was crying so much even a nurse stayed with us. Again test came back fine and again they told me I couldn't get a scan done there.

My husband lost it and we where told the only way was to pay private.

The following morning I payed for a private scan she couldn't see anything. I cried so hard. I called my doctors and demanded I needed a scan at EPU and they finally listened. We got there and I was scanned. But same result just a sac no baby nothing.

She explained that I got as far as 6 weeks and my baby died.

"But where did it go it's not there? How can my body still think I'm pregnant you must have it wrong your equipment is broken!!"

She couldn't answer me I was given a leaflet and told to come back in a week. I was so angry why did no one listen to me? Why did no one tell me what to expect? I still have no answers and just a scan photo of nothing.

I keep thinking I'm in a nightmare and I'm going to wake up any time now but I stay asleep locked in my never ending nightmare.

Why didn't the hospital listen to me. No scans because it's past 5pm that's stupid. It wouldn't have stopped this happening but I would have had some peace of mind knowing what was happening instead of a 3 day horror mystery.

I know one day the anger will stop but when I feel so lost all I want is my baby in my arms not a booklet on my kitchen table. We will try again and hope our rainbow baby happens but I will never ever forget the little life I had inside me even if it was only for 6 weeks.

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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