by Lucy Clark
As I write my story, my beautiful 15 week old baby girl is sleeping next to me. A year ago I would never have imagined to be where I am now. I feel truly blessed and want to share my story to give courage to those that are going through or have been through the heartbreak of losing a baby.
I remember the excitement I felt when I got that first positive pregnancy test and couldn't help but imagine what the future would be like. At 7 weeks I started bleeding but had a scan and everything was OK and even got to see a little heartbeat. I went back a week later for a follow up scan (the bleeding had stopped) and heard the news that nobody wants to hear. My baby had died at 7-8 weeks. My body still thought it was pregnant and so the week before Christmas I had a D&C.
Following the miscarriage, I was determined to get pregnant again. Lots of people go through a miscarriage once and then the next time everything is OK, right?
I caught fairly quickly and booked in for a reassurance scan. I was fairly confident that everything was OK, I'd had no bleeding and felt really well. I remember the silence from the sonographer and after what felt like an eternity, she broke the news to me that my baby had died inside of me. I felt like my body was a failure. Women are designed to support a pregnancy yet mine couldn't. I opted for a D&C, not being able to face the thought of medication to help me deliver my little baby or waiting for it to happen naturally.
At the time of the second miscarriage, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I did not have much knowledge on PCOS so did a lot of reading on it. I also read about a link between Metformin and supporting a pregnancy so asked my G.P for it. I had just found out I was pregnant again for the third time (I caught straight after the miscarriage). My G.P would not give me a prescription for Metformin so I was once again facing an uncertain pregnancy with a newly diagnosed PCoS and no change in circumstances. I was nervous for this pregnancy, a feeling I hadn't had really before. I felt I couldn't enjoy it truly. I felt the pregnancy was so fragile. I had a reassurance scan and saw a heartbeat at 8 weeks. This was it, this would be a good pregnancy, or so I thought. I went for another follow up scan and heard the news that my baby's beating heart had stopped. We discussed what would happen next but I felt so drained and in shock that I decided to go home and think about it. Within a couple of days whilst home alone the cramps started, the bleeding started followed by me passing my little 9 week old bean. I sat and I sobbed. I sobbed that I was alone whilst my partner was working, I sobbed for my 3 babies lost and I sobbed for my future that looked so dark and lonely.
I took my little bean in to hospital for a examination to see if they could identify a reason for the miscarriage. I sat in the busy waiting room with other women that were still pregnant or facing uncertainty whilst my little baby was in a container hidden in a bag like a secret.
After three recurrent miscarriages, I was allowed to see a specialist consultant.
It's so cruel you have to lose three babies before seeing a specialist. The consultant told us that my last baby had been a molar pregnancy and so would have always miscarried. For a short period, I had the uncertainty weighing on my shoulders of a molar pregnancy - 2 weekly blood/ urine tests, possibly needing chemotherapy and not getting pregnant for what could be a year after. She later informed us it was only a partial molar pregnancy.
The consultant was not able to tell me how the other babies died as they don't routinely offer examinations until you've hit that third loss. She also told me that she thought it was just bad luck and I would get there eventually - not the words you want to hear ever when it comes to your babies.
After seeing the specialist, I was commenced on Metformin. My partner and I had blood screening which checks for things such as genetics and blood clotting disorders. All of which were normal.
We left the specialist feeling mixed emotions but tried to be positive that at least things were being done differently now and we were in the system for the next pregnancy. We starting trying again immediately after we told we could.
Breaking the news to my partner that we were expecting a baby had become hard. It no longer was exciting and happy news to hear as it meant sadness and uncertainty. I rang the specialist consultant immediately and had a scan. The scan was normal for that gestation and we were offered weekly scans. This was it, weekly scans surely would detect if anything was wrong. At 6 weeks and 7 weeks we saw a heartbeat. We weren't scanned at 8 weeks as the consultant was on holiday.
My partner and I decided to go for a weekend away with the in-laws. On the day we were coming back home I woke up bleeding heavily. I had no cramps but this bleeding was not normal. I told my partner in the bathroom whilst we could hear his parents enjoying the sun outside. My partner did not tell his parents what was going on, he said goodbye and we left. We felt numb. I rang the specialist up but was told I needed to wait a couple of days for my booked weekly scan. I tried to remain positive and was on bed rest until that scan but I think in my heart, I had already accepted that this baby had gone.
I had the scan and the consultant confirmed what I thought.
This surely was not just bad luck? There must be something wrong with me? The sole purpose of a woman's body is to reproduce so why can't my useless body do what millions of others can? Would I ever have a baby? How many more times can I lose a baby? How can I carry on living? Why me? What happens next? These are all things I've thought and felt. I know the babies have all been early in pregnancy but they have still had a heartbeat at some point. They've all been a part of my partner and I. They've all been inside my womb depending on my body.
It took over a year to get pregnant after the fourth miscarriage. I had considered IVF and surrogacy and had a meeting with a social worker arranged to discuss adoption. The excitement of a positive pregnancy test was quickly clouded over with the uncertainty and sadness that could follow. I booked in to see the consultant specialist at just over 4 weeks pregnant and so the weekly scans started. I asked for Clexane and Progesterone medication as this is something the specialist had mentioned before. I had read a lot of good things about this medication supporting pregnancy. I was also signed off work as soon as I found out I was pregnant and on bed rest. At 8 weeks, I felt sick with worry before the scan. At 9 weeks I sat there expecting the worst. At 10, 11 and 12 weeks my little bean was doing fantastically. I couldn't help but get a little excited now, I had never got this far in to a pregnancy and so tried to remain positive. I counted each day as a blessing and when I got to the point of feeling movements I started to believe that this really was happening and my wishes were finally coming true. At 24 weeks gestation when my little baby girl was viable I started to relax. My partner was very late on to show excitement, positivity or any attachment. This was his way of emotionally preparing for the worst I think.
I had lost all hope of this ever happening. My relationship had become strained at some points. I had felt like giving up. Felt pain and an aching empty heart. Felt incomplete. Felt a failure. Felt suicidal. Felt my dreams seeping away. And now I'm at such a different point of my life. Please, don't ever give up. I don't think it was just bad luck that caused my other miscarriages and I truly believe the medication and bed rest helped. I never believed that after four miscarriages I would have a baby in my arms but I do. Please have faith and belief.
Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer
By Cat (not verified) on 11 Sep 2019 - 02:18
When me and my partner found out that we was expecting for the first time it was unplanned and both of us were nervous and unsure if it was what we wanted.
By the time we got to 6 weeks, we'd come to terms with everything, we was excited, we made so many plans then a few short days later i miscarriaged.
It was awful, i felt like such a failure. I felt like i'd let him down. And it broke my heart.
The doctors wasn't very supportive, i was told that i was only 6wks, it wasn't even a real baby, so i shouldn't be this upset.
A few weeks later i found out i was pregnant again, i was so reluctant to tell him, and this time we kept it between ourselves. Didn't book any doctors appointment, my midwife. I didn't want to waste everyone's time again.
That was until i started spotting again at 6wks on the Saturday, and by the Wednesday it was like your regular period. But this time it wasn't painful.
I have a scan tomorrow. But I already know what they are going to say, i already feel that awful empty ache like before.
Once again, i feel like a failure.
I feel like i'm never going to be a mother. I feel like he'd have a better chance of having a family with someone else.
I've spent most nights crying in the bathroom since the first lost and finding out that it's all going to happen again.
I don't know what to do, i don't even know if i want to try again.
And it fills me with dread that I'll have to go through this one more time before doctors will even consider any kind of tests to say why i'm failing at the one thing i'm biologically made for.
By JJ (not verified) on 15 Aug 2019 - 12:30
You have given me some hope, thank you. I am currently experiencing my 2nd early miscarriage in 5 months. I have pcos and I was on metformin in order to get pregnant. However once I got pregnant, I asked my GP if I should keep on taking metformin or stop - She said stop, in a kind of 'oh well i think probably stop' - she sounded like she was just guessing. So on both occasions I stopped, and a matter of days later, I miscarried. I'm only just putting two and two together and now realising that perhaps if I would have stayed on metformin I would have kept the baby? I know I'm only speculating, but I can't help but wonder. I'm going to try again, and I hope I am successful because it is heartbreaking to go through. Thanks for sharing your story.
By A (not verified) on 15 Aug 2019 - 06:18
I have just had my third miscarriage in a row
The second was a partial molar pregnancy
Reading your story explained exactly how I am feeling right now and it was so good to hear your positive outcome and there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel
Thank you for sharing
By ND (not verified) on 27 Mar 2019 - 15:51
Read your article after an ectopic and 2 miscarriages within 3 years and no living children. Needed some hope and I got just that. I am now on metformin too so fingers crossed my outcome is as amazing as yours.
By Jess (not verified) on 8 Feb 2019 - 05:57
Came looking for hope after my 3rd miscarriage and your story gave that to me. ❤️ Congrats on your beautiful baby and thank you for sharing your story.
By Rissa (not verified) on 19 Dec 2018 - 22:36
Thank you for sharing your success story. It really helps to keep hope when going through the same!
By Hussain (not verified) on 6 Jul 2018 - 10:14
My wife has 3 miscarriage in row what should we do,?
By Midwife @Tommys on 9 Jul 2018 - 11:56
Sorry to hear this Hussain,
I would start by going to see your GP. It will most likely be possible to refer your wife and yourself for some tests at your local hospital. If this is unsuccessful, please give us a call on 0800 0147 800. I hope you have found our website useful and understand that there are some options for you both. Take care
By Lindsey (not verified) on 18 Mar 2018 - 17:56
Hi, My name is Lindsey. My first miscarriage was 2 years ago. Sitting here trying to find the words to write I feel quite empty and sad as I am in the last days of my 2nd miscarriage. There is nothing that can prepare you for the pain that comes with losing your child that was growing inside you. Your little blessing was there and suddenly no more. I cry reading your stories and I feel your pain. My losses we’re both in the early stages at 6-7 weeks but my heart still aches. The thought of getting pregnant again doesn’t ring excitement within but dread of loosing another precious soul. I have a son who will be 18 the end of May and a daughter who will be 16 in July. There is no more precious a gift than your children. I love each of them with a love so strong. I went through a divorce in 2012. In 2015 I was remarried. My husband has no kids of his own but loves my(our) children as his own. A feeling of inadequacy haunts me. I know how much he would love to have children but at the same time he loves me deeply and reassures me that I am enough for him, that our children are enough. If God wants us to have children then we will, he says to me often. Before we were married I had been having pain in my uterus and a lesion was found in my uterine wall. I am not sure what is preventing me from carrying my babies. It may be the lesion. I am learning to put my trust fully in God. He knows the beginning to the end and he loves me. I pray for all of you going through this . May God be with you all. I think people should share these experiences. We’re not alone. If we could all speak up Mabey we can all help each other in some way. If any of you know of good doctors that excel in this area....Please share!
By Midwife @Tommys on 21 Mar 2018 - 09:27
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. If we can support you at all then please do be in touch - [email protected]
Wishing you all the best,
By Midwife @Tommys on 2 Feb 2018 - 14:02
I am so sorry to hear what you have been through and continue to go through. I really do hope you get the care and the support that you need during this time. If we can support or help at all, we are here Monday to Friday 9-5pm either via phone 0800 0147 800 or email [email protected] Take care, Tommy's midwives x
By Laura (not verified) on 1 Feb 2018 - 20:26
I had the same. I had been trying for 3 years before even catching. No one referred me, there were talks of referral but then because I had become pregnant I was no longer 'infertile'. I lost he first one, a missed miscarriage at 12 and a half weeks, it had stopped growing at 6. I wanted a D and C. They refused because of my period sometimes being 28 days, sometimes 45 days. Never 6 weeks apart. I begged them. To no avail. I lost the baby at home, it was such a traumatic painful ordeal. I fell pregnant 2 more times in the next 4 months and lost them both at around 5 weeks. The joy had gone. I attended family gatherings and baby showers, but I was depressed. Our relationship was a struggle. I woke often wanting to die. After 3 miscarriages I was ticking boxes to get referred, but I caught again immediately after the 3rd loss. We tried for 3 years with nothing, and we had sex once after loss 3 and caught - we weren't happy or excited. I was numb. The referral was put on hold, because I was pregnant. I wanted them to try at least, try and help keep this one going. The NHS wouldn't give me a reassurance scan. I had to pay for one privately at 8 weeks. I did not want to get to 12 weeks again with a lifeless baby inside of me. It had stopped growing at 6 weeks again. This time I got a D and C. It took another 4 weeks for the doctor to refer me, just before Xmas I got the letter - finally!!! I called to make the appointment but not all the relevant tests had been done by my GP. They blamed the hospital for changing the requirements. My referral was cancelled. I had to start my new year having more blood tests and chasing the doctors once again for the same referral. I have now got my referral again 2 months after my 4th loss. 7 weeks waiting list to get through the door, I am 32. We have been trying for 4 and a half years. It feels like longer. I have never felt so sad. Isolated. Guilty. I have distanced myself from friends because seeing their growing bellies and babies made me anxious. I am a different person to how I was. I was fun, outgoing, caring. I have become a recluse, and so unfulfilled and bitter. I quit my job because I mentally couldn't cope. So now I have nothing. No career, no children and a rocky relationship due to being childless. We have been together 10 years, he is my soul mate, but no one can prepare you for the despair recurrent miscarriage brings, and the way in which the medical professions treat you. I can't ever imagine getting pregnant again, or feeling happy about it, it will feel like a ticking bomb. I hope to gain answers. The only thing I was ever sure of was to become a Mother, nad I can't. I hope my experince is like yours, and with some treatment / attention we can gain a family.
By Piery (not verified) on 18 Mar 2019 - 19:04
Hello everyone, my story is very similar to all of you. It has been so difficult to deal with this problem and accepting the reality but I don’t lose hope. In total I have had 7 miscarriages, it is devastating you look for answers and nothing everything doctors do is basically an experiment. I was diagnosed with APS after my 3rd miscarriage, on my forth pregnancy I was treated with enoxaparin 40mg once a day injections, baby aspirin, and progesterone 200mg at bed time, nothing worked for me. After that they found out I had Sjögren syndrome which I have been tested for with plaquenil 400mg a day in combination with the enoxaparin and baby aspirin and progesterone and I just had my 7th miscarriage . Immunological issues are complicated, they haven’t tried the most aggressive protocol with me yet, so I’m guessing that’s the next step to hopefully have my rainbow. I’m 31 and this is the most difficult situation ever, for all of you with no answers tell your doctors to test you with immunological issues and also request a NK cells test, this are things doctors don’t say soon enough and the make you go through so much!!! This are things I have investigated on my own and I have requested to have these test done. Don’t lose hope!! We are together on this ship. If anyone wants to talk about it please feel free to contact me, [email protected] Good luck to all ❤️