I started spotting but I'd had spotting in both my previous pregnancies and everything had been fine. I went to the Doctors and was referred for a scan that was over a week later. The wait was horrendous. I just wanted to know one way or another.
My bleeding increased a lot and I knew what was happening.
I was devastated. My bleeding slowed down and nearly stopped before I had my scan appointment. I started hoping everything was OK because it was slowing down. It wasn't. Even though I knew deep down things weren't OK, I couldn't help hoping. It was horrible having to tell our close family and my best friends that I'd lost our baby. No one really got it.
My husband seemed to get over it fairly fast, but I couldn't help feeling so sad. He didn't get it. I still feel sad and months have passed, he still doesn't get it but that's OK, we deal with things differently. We recently found out that I was pregnant again, just as I'd decided that I probably needed some time to deal with the loss of our baby. I didn't get the happy feeling I'd got the other times, I cried.
I wondered how will I keep it together if I lose this baby as well. I was so on edge. I joined a private miscarriage group on Facebook. It helped a lot to be able to speak to people who were in the same situation & having the same feelings as me. Luckily I'd been offered a reassurance scan by our EPU if I was to fall pregnant again so at 7 weeks we went for a scan. We were told we were having twins.
The shock and anxiety I felt was huge.
One twin was measuring slightly smaller than the other & nothing was explained to us so I made the mistake of going on Google. All that came up was about a vanishing twin, it's when you lose one but don't really know until a scan as you are still pregnant with the other one. Hello, new thing to worry about.
I was anxious, I wasn't being as sick as I was in my previous pregnancies and the only person I knew that had had a miscarriage before who I thought would understand how I felt said, well, you've only lost one. That wasn't what I needed, I needed someone who understood the worry that came with being pregnant after a miscarriage but instead I felt that she belittled my feelings and what I had been through. She also didn't know that I hadn't only lost one, I had an early miscarriage years before meeting her.
The vanishing twin played on my mind so much that I booked a private scan at 10 weeks, I was so glad I did as I started spotting the morning of my scan, my heart sank. I'd kind of prepared myself with the prospect of possibly losing one of the twins but not that I could lose both. They were both still there bouncing & wiggling next to each other. I was reassured, so much so I went out and bought a co-sleeper and hypnobirthing CDs.
I wouldn't say that I'm completely relaxed in my pregnancy nor do I think I will be until I have my babies in my arms.
I feel so blessed to be getting not one but two rainbow babies.
We've still got a few people In our lives who think our news is theirs to tell even when we specifically told people we wanted to wait to share our news, but as it's something I can't do anything about now, I'm just trying to remain as relaxed as possible & attempt to enjoy my pregnancies.
I'm still sad about losing my baby, I've cried whilst writing this. As sad as it is, I do believe things happen for a reason and if it hadn't happened to me I wouldn't be carrying our twins now.
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