I had been diagnosed with POF (premature ovarian failure) or early menopause in my late 20's my only hope being egg donation or adoption.
Several years later after 1 previous embryo transfer that didn't take (negative test) I was back laying on operating style table watching my 2 1/2 week old little embryo moving about on screen while the nurse explained what was happening and how strong the embie looked, it was then transferred into me.
I spent the next 2 weeks mainly on bed rest relaxing, eating correct foods and listening to fertility meditation until the day I could perform pregnancy test.
I already knew though, I could feel it as daft as that sounds, and sure enough the test was positive!
After about 9 years of dreaming and being emotionally drained I was pregnant, myself and my husband were beyond happy. I called the hospital who congratulated me and made arrangements to book me in for first scan in a few weeks. Scans are performed earlier and more often when conceived through fertility assistance.
I continued taking it easy, reading my books and info, it was hard to get my head round as in theory I was 2 1/2 weeks pregnant (since embie transfer) but in reality the embryo was now 5 weeks old.
We told our family who cried they knew how much we had been through to get here, I avoided all the right foods, ate healthy drank plenty water I wouldn't even rest my phone on my stomach.
More or less straight away I started getting craving for bananas and banana on thick cut toast. It was all I wanted to eat, it had said in the fertility book that this wasn't uncommon due to the nature of conception.
I've never been so happy.
I'm a planner, love lists, so many were started but I promised wouldn't shop until after 3mth mark. I also realised what people had said in the past, you really do feel like a mum straight away, everything I ate, drank or done each day was for my baby, my baby God I loved saying that.
My appointment was booked for my 8th week pregnancy (baby 10th week) we had worked out a rough estimate due date as November 5th 2014.
2 weeks before scan I felt strange instantly filled with dread, I went the loo and there was blood, I called the hospital who said to go straight on bed rest and to keep feet elevated if bleeding didn't stop to call back.
The bleeding did subside and they said sometimes a little bleed was normal, the ladies on the forum I was a member of also had experience of this some going through the same thing. After a couple days of no bleeding it started again this time heavier, it didn't stop and I knew I had lost my baby.
When I called the hospital they arranged for me to go in for blood tests to monitor my hormonal levels to show the baby had gone.
Then that was that, I felt as if no one cared, I felt left alone to just pass this little embie I watched moving, my baby I had felt inside me.
What shocked me more was some peoples comments "Oh well you weren't that far along" "least it wasnt really a full baby" like really!!
Is that the way we should be made to feel, and yes I did/do feel that way sometimes as if I dont have the right to mourn the loss. But I do it was going to be my baby and that loss hurt me more than any other loss ive ever felt.
I wish I was acknowledged more by the hospital for what was happening, I wish there was more of a fight to save my baby just to try.
But I really wish that this was a life event that was more openly discussed and woman were told it's ok, it's ok to cry and mourn and miss that baby because we really are their mummys from the very first second we know they are there.
My baby would be turning 2 this Nov ill never forget and will always love that little embie with a mummy's heart xxx
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