#misCOURAGE story by Hana ,
I decided to share my story, A to help heal a wounded heart and B to help break the silence around miscarriage.
It started on a Wednesday night, we were getting ready to do the weekly shop. I popped to the toilet before we went as I was at the need to pee every 5 mins part of early pregnancy. That was when I was confronted with a small amount of red blood that I thought i had spotted, during my first pregnancy and went on to have a beautiful, healthy little girl. So i'm sure it's nothing. However that little niggle I had that something wasn't quite right seemed to be happening. I told my husband who said "It is probably nothing, try not to worry and ring midwife/GP in morning if still concerned".
That night I hardly slept as I was worried sick something bad was happening, something was going wrong.
Thursday morning came and the bleeding was worse. I rang the GP and got an appointment that morning. Dr said "spotting and light bleeding is very normal in early pregnancy. However I can see your concerned I will call epau for an early scan". Epau answered and said next available appointment was Monday. Pretty much 4 days, you want me to wait to find out what is happening. I was angry and frightened so we took the appointment. We were given a direct number for epau if things got worse.
Sadly they did and at lunchtime I was on the phone to epau sobbing and begging for a scan. They said they would do their best to fit us in that day/tomorrow. In the mean time we called private ultrasound places and could get one first thing Friday morning, so we booked it. Thankfully someone was on our side the hospital called and squeezed us in that day for a scan.
The waiting around was awful, a huge elephant filled the waiting room and I could barely look at my husband. Then we were called for the scan. The sonographer couldn't see the baby via ultrasound so I had an internal scan. That was when those life altering words were said "I'm so sorry there is no heartbeat".
I went numb, burst into tears and just stood there sobbing. Whilst my husband held me in his arms. I apologised to him for not being able to give him the second child we wanted. He held me even tighter and whispered "This is not your fault. We will get through this together".
The rest of the day was filled with tears and heartbreak.
Friday 2nd February 2018 will be forever etched on my mind and body.
My husband had to return to work so my mum took the day off to help me look after my little girl. The day was spent curled up on the sofa, in pain, crying when I thought no one was looking, beating myself up over what I should and shouldn't have done and looking after my precious toddler.
That evening at 7.24pm it happened. For an hour before I was having labour pains, not a really bad period pain as I had been told, these were labour pains. I went to the toilet felt a gush of blood and two large different feeling clots left my body. I instinctively knew that was my baby, my heart broke I sat there sobbing wishing I could turn back the clock. I got the courage to stand and look into the toilet to see nothing. My baby had disappeared down the toilet. I felt guilty for not seeing my baby, I felt angry this had happened, I felt a failure. Not only could I not carry my baby I had let it fall and vanish down the toilet. This haunted me for days after and I simply existed for the sake of my daughter.
A week later I had a very vivid dream of a newborn appearing on the carpet in my living room. I scooped up this crying little bundle hugged and kissed them before they melted away. On one hand this hurt as my baby had been taken away again and on the other I felt some comfort that I had seen my baby. Some might think I am crazy writing this, I know it sounds far fetched. It is the truth and helped me start to come to terms with my loss.
The next day my husband and I named our baby Hayden and since then we have bought a small cherry blossom as a memorial to our angel baby. I buried a letter I wrote and a ring of mine when we planted the tree so a little bit of Mummy is always with Hayden.
After experiencing something so painful and personal, me and my husband feel it has bought us closer together. We have talked a lot about our thoughts and feelings around the miscarriage, which has helped a lot.
We both say we are parents to 2 children, sadly one was only carried for 8 weeks and 3 days. Hayden was here no matter how short a time. We loved our baby and planned for the future as a family of 4. Nothing can take that away from you. We are a family of 4, its just the youngest member watches over us.
I hope if you have read this it has bought some comfort knowing you are not alone. Miscarriage is not something we should be ashamed of or embarrassed about. It is something we should make people aware of as sadly it is common. We should not suffer in silence and in pain and rather support each other and spread a little love to all those affected. Our babies showed us love when they chose us as parents. Lets keep their little light shining bright and help break the silence around miscarriage xx
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