#misCOURAGE story, 08/02/2017, by Louise
We started trying for a baby when I was 28. We were probably the first of our friends to do so. We had just bought our first house in the country side and I was really looking forward to starting the next phase of our lives.
After a year of trying we were starting to think there was a problem so we booked a GP appointment. Before the appointment came around we found out I was pregnant. We were thrilled and relieved.
At my 8 week booking appointment I had started bleeding lightly. We had a scan the next day and it was confirmed that we had miscarried. Getting pregnant had seemed like the big hurdle, so for this to happen just felt too much.
As we drove home from the hospital that morning I remember trying to talk about something and I turned to look at my husband and I saw a huge tear rolling down his face.
That image has stuck with me since and sums up how awful it has been.
I had another scan and found out I had polyps. I had surgery to remove them and I thought that was it, we would be ok next time.
Over the next year or so we had two more miscarriages. Each time the loss felt more inevitable and I cried less and took less time off work. But I was starting to have the creeping feeling that this just was not going to work out for us.
In that year I had been promoted at work and was doing a role where I was travelling around the country and staying away from home a lot. It was just the worst possible thing for me to be doing at the time. I ended up crying in my boss's office as I felt at breaking point.
I went back to my old job which suited me much better, but it was hard because I felt I couldn't really explain to most of my colleagues why and had to endure them assuming I'd been asked to step down or something like that.
We saw our GP and were referred to a gynaecologist.
We had a pretty tough time with the appointments, we saw a different doctor each time and they were generally rushed and hadn't read our notes.
One started talking about IVF when we walked in, another time a medical student told us she knew what was wrong (which the doctor did not agree with). All the tests came back as normal and we were told to go away and keep trying.
We discovered that Tommy's had a clinical trial for women with recurrent miscarriage. It was such a relief to meet the Tommy's specialists and to encounter real empathy for our situation and care.
After taking part in the trial we were cautiously optimistic. We started trying again and I found out I was pregnant just before Christmas. For the first time I had a positive pregnancy test just a few days after my missed period.
It felt different and again we were cautiously optimistic. My sister was pregnant and it seemed like perfect timing that we would be having babies at the same time.
A few days after finding out, during some IT training at work, my stomach started to hurt. I just pushed through for the afternoon and then when I went home, I found that I was bleeding. Sadly I miscarried again.
I will soon be 33 and we are no closer to having a family. We are starting to think about how long we can keep going round the cycle.
We have an appointment with the Tommy's specialist soon and we are preparing our questions so we can explore our options.
I can truly say this has been the hardest thing we have ever had to deal with in our lives, and yet it is hidden from almost everyone around us. We are both truly heartbroken, and I don't think that will ever really leave us, even if we do go on to have a family in the future.
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