Our first pregnancy in 2013 ended in a missed miscarriage found at the 12 week scan. It required medical intervention and was the most traumatic experience of our lives.
A few months later on Christmas morning we found out we were expecting again. As you would expect, the pregnancy was fraught with worry in the first trimester but once the kicking started we relaxed and our beautiful boy was born the following August.
Not thinking we could ever have a problem again we started trying for number two. Every normal cycle since I stopped breastfeeding we have conceived. And every one, three times now, we have lost.
The first two were very early and not too awful, my body was recovering from feeding and the stats were still on our side.
This last one has been worse, a private scan at 7 weeks showed a foetus measuring 6 weeks and two days with a heartbeat. The measurements niggled at me as I knew where my dates were, but, there was a heartbeat.
An NHS scan a week later showed no heartbeat and a smaller foetus, we knew then we had lost our fourth baby.
We waited a week, but nothing happened naturally. The NHS clinic wanted another scan to confirm the miscarriage, then we had a termination. It was done under local anaesthetic and was horrible, but absolutely the right choice for us.
I am at home recuperating, we have amazing family and friends and couldn't ask for better support. It doesn't make it any less sad but it does make that sadness easier to cope with.
I find myself asking if we are being selfish wanting another rainbow baby, is it right to put ourselves and our son and our family through the disruption and upset? Should we just be happy with what we have got? But then we do want another, and we desperately want for our son to have a sibling and enjoy all the experiences we have with our siblings.
We are having tests and will know more when we get the results. We may have difficult decisions to make and more tough times ahead.
If our son turns out to be a fluke, he is an absolutely amazing one and we know we are so lucky to have him. But our story isn't over yet.
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