Coping with grief after the loss of a baby – for parents

Information and support for parents on coping with grief after having a stillborn baby.

We are so sorry for your loss, and saddened to know you are having to use this information. We hope you will find it useful, factual and take some of the stress out of your future weeks.

Coping with grief after a stillbirth is very personal but we wanted to share some of the feelings our supporters have experienced when grieving for their stillborn baby, in the hope it might help others. We know that for parents the intense grief after losing a baby can cause overwhelming, possibly frightening, emotional and physical reactions. You may feel life will never be normal again. Knowing more about how others experienced the grieving process may help.

For women, grief will be also be combined by the natural mood changes caused by the dropping hormone levels after having a baby. Remember to allow for this.

Maternal instinct

You might feel overwhelmed by maternal instinct and frightened by the intensity of these feelings.

‘It is such a powerful feeling and if this is your first child it can be very unsettling as you come to terms with the strength of the grief. But remember you are strong too.Lucie

‘I found a lot of comfort in washing and drying the clothes my son had worn when in the hospital – I understood later that this was an expression of my maternal instinct in wanting to care for him in any way I still could.’ Kathryn

'I remember just saying over and over again "I want her back". I would have given anything to go back to the hospital and hold her again. Or to kiss her cold little cheeks. We had the clothes we had dressed her in and they still smelt of her, so we had put them into a sealed bag to keep the smell, and we would take turns in opening the bag and sniffing them before quickly sealing it up again.' Diane, who lost her baby Chloe at 40 weeks (read Diane's story here)

Some mothers describe wanting to dig up their baby’s body from the grave to cuddle them. Others talk about their arms aching to hold their baby. Any reaction you have to your loss is completely natural.

You may physically feel, hear or see things you can’t explain, like your baby kick inside you or the sound of a baby crying.

Day to day grieving

Many mothers said that after losing their baby they could not think straight and felt unable to make deci-sions. Grief can take over your mind and sometimes affect your short-term memory and you may find it difficult to remember things that have just happened.

‘In the immediate aftermath of losing Chloe, the thing that helped me the most was actually to isolate myself for a week. My husband and I requested no visitors. We checked in via text with our parents to let them know we were OK, but ultimately we just cocooned ourselves together at home. We needed to sit and cry and try to absorb what had happened.’ Diane, who lost her baby Chloe at 40 weeks (read Diane's story here)

The immediate moments or days after their stillbirth are often described as a blur. It can leave you feeling in shock, numb and disconnected

Some mums felt they could not leave home and dreaded having to explain to an acquaintance where their baby was.

Many parents couldn’t face the idea of seeing other babies, and felt intense jealousy towards other parents.

Others decided to visit their antenatal group, which was often a distressing but positive experience.

'I was supposed to be a mother, what was I now? I’d already made plans for Christmases and birthdays. I’d imagined three little boys excitedly opening presents. I didn’t know who I was or who I was supposed to be. Pregnancy was focused on the outcome of being a mother. I had to create a new life and I no longer knew what I liked, wanted or needed.' Jo

Pregnancy ads

At Tommy's we often hear from women and men who are bombarded with ads promoting maternity and baby products after loss, which can be really distressing.

Find out how to stop pregnancy ads

Guilt and anger after a stillbirth

Many women feel they have failed as mothers. They feel responsible for what has happened because their body let them down and they didn’t give birth to a healthy baby.

It’s not unusual for bereaved parents, particularly mums, to become obsessed with their own, their partner’s or their other children’s health. Your own mortality can come to the fore – if a tiny baby can die so can anyone. This reaction usually fades with time – if it doesn’t and you are struggling to manage the anxiety, talk to your doctor or health visitor.

With time, some mums also feel guilty when they start to feel a little better, as if they’re not honouring their baby or ‘forgetting them’.

Anger is a very natural part of grief. Many parents direct this towards the hospital, and at other times to-wards friends and family. For some women it is a generalised anger at the undeservedness and injustice, ‘Why me?’

All the feelings we mention here are normal. However, if you start to worry about how you’re feeling, please try talking to your GP.

Fathers and coping with grief

The information on this page is for both parents, but it needs to be acknowledged that fathers can be for-gotten after a baby is stillborn. As everyone looks to the mother it’s easy to overlook the fact that men need time and space to grieve too. Men and women may grieve differently. With men expressing less emotion, it is easy to assume that ‘they are OK’.

Some men find it difficult to express their emotions and their feelings can get locked up. This can be misunderstood as indifference to the loss of their baby.

Many men take on the role of protector in the family; supporting their wife or partner and not allowing time for their own grief. It is not unusual for men to take on the practicalities and keep themselves busy.

You will both need time and space to grieve. This may happen after the funeral if there is one, or possibly many weeks later.

'I had to go back to work straight away. It was a good distraction. I ran a lot and I kept doing that. I signed up for marathons. Running got me away for a few hours at a time and gave me a way to switch off. I wasn’t right for at least six months after. I was functioning but I was on autopilot. I wasn’t myself. People might not have noticed too much.' Keith, who lost his son Owen at 38 weeks (Read Keith’s story here)

Read more about supporting each other as a couple. 

Getting help to cope from friends and family

Family and friends may want to rally around. Some parents will appreciate this, others might find it exhausting. This is a time to be honest about what you need.

Practical help can be invaluable, particularly in the early days when you’re recovering from the birth. If you have trusted friends or family and are able to cope with having them around these are things they can help with:

  • home cooked meals
  • filing and responding to messages of condolences
  • shopping
  • laundry
  • gardening
  • looking after other children.

For other women, however, keeping busy can be part of the healing process.

It might help to circulate our page on 'How to give support' to friends and family who want to know how they can help you.

After the birth

Most women, will agree that the emotional pain is infinitely more difficult to bear than the physical discomfort of giving birth. But don’t underestimate how your hormone levels rapidly change after the birth, and post-natal mood swings and tears are normal, regardless. These hormonal changes might make your grief even harder to cope with in the early weeks and months.

You will also have to cope with the physical effects of giving birth. You will bleed heavily for the first few days after the birth, you may have painful stitches or after-pains (as the uterus contracts back to its normal size). Your breasts will produce milk and this can lead to painful engorgement. Talk to your midwife about how to manage your milk coming in.

The physical side-effects of giving birth can be very difficult to cope with and it can feel like nature is play-ing a cruel trick on you.

Read more about coping with the physical effects of a stillbirth

‘For me one of the most awful things was my milk coming in. I was sadly unable to take any medication to stop it, so I was told to compress my breasts with tighter tops to try and stem the supply.’ Bethan

The hospital will tell your GP, community midwife and health visitor what has happened so they can offer you care and support once you are home.

If you haven’t heard from your GP within a few days, phone your surgery to arrange to see someone. You might want to ask your GP to put a note on your record so it is immediately obvious to anyone you deal with in future what has happened.

Although it may be difficult and heart-breaking, it is important to ensure you attend all your post-natal appointments. It might help to call your GP and find out in advance of appointments what will happen so you can prepare yourself.

Read more about postnatal care after a stillbirth

Physical grief

You may have physical reactions to your grief. Heart palpitations, shaking, chest pains, diarrhoea, butter-flies in your stomach and sickness are all common.

It is important to try to look after yourself after the birth. You may not feel like eating or drinking but you need to try to keep physically strong to cope with the emotional trauma.

Many women felt it was very difficult to leave the house, but if you feel able to do so, parents often report that once they went out they felt that being outdoors in the fresh air helped.

‘It's almost like I created a time capsule, which may be seen as unhealthy to some, but I find it so therapeutic. I spent a long time after the birth just sitting playing every minute of the labour and delivery and the following 12 hours over in my head because I didn't want to forget how I felt or what happened, as if I did start to forget it would mean I would also forget Chloe. I had to take that pressure off myself to stop my panic attacks, and so the memory box has really helped with that. When I do sit and look through it I am taken back to those feelings, and honestly sometimes I really need to just sit in that and feel it wash over me again. But then when I have had my time looking back through everything I can put it away and focus on my day to day life again.’ Diane, who lost her baby Chloe at 40 weeks (read Diane's story here)

You may be more prone to viral infections, such as colds. You may feel physically exhausted.

Sleep may be difficult for a while. You might have vivid dreams and nightmares.

Do not hesitate to get in touch with your GP if you feel you need extra support with the physical effects of grieving.

‘I suffered from ptsd and nightmares for several months after my stillbirth. At night I would lie in bed reliving what had happened. I learnt to write my feelings down which acted as a release.' Bethan

'The grief was overwhelming. I suffered horrific nightmares, and although family and friends rallied around, nobody could penetrate the bubble of heart and gut wrenching ache. I learnt to ‘act’, to do the bare minimum to simply survive my daily routine.' Jo

Share your feelings

Talking to close and trusted family members or friends about your feelings and your experience can bring comfort.

Most mothers also felt that talking to other women who had experienced a stillbirth was very help-ful and reassured them that their feelings were normal. It can also make you feel less alone.

You may find that crying and talking about your baby are good ways of releasing feelings. You may want to tell your story over and over again. This is normal and you should follow this instinctive urge to talk as it helps you come to terms with what has happened. Don’t be afraid to mention the name of your baby who has died.

Other parents however find it hard to express their feelings or talk about their baby.

‘Sometimes you just don’t know where to start, or find it too hard or horrifically sad.’ Lucy

It might be helpful to write down what happened and how you feel each day. You may want to draw or paint, write a poem, keep a diary, create a web page, set up a blog or make a scrapbook.

SANDS, a support charity, can put you in touch with other mums and dads who have had stillborn babies and will be happy to listen and talk.

Get support to help cope with the grief

A bereavement support officer or bereavement midwife may be able to help you with paperwork and funeral planning.

You might also be able to access bereavement counselling through your GP.

There is support out there, but it will differ depending on where you live. Sometimes you need to explore all your options to find the best one for you.

Knowing the difference between postnatal depression and grief

Some mums suffer with postnatal depression after a stillbirth. You might also show signs of post-traumatic stress disorder after the terrible ordeal you’ve been through. Talk to your GP if you are worried about your feelings and reactions.

The main symptoms of postnatal depression are very similar to the symptoms of grief so it is not easy to tell them apart. If you have had a previous mental health issue though you are more likely to suffer from postnatal depression so you or a close person should be on the lookout.

  • a persistent feeling of sadness and low mood
  • loss of interest in life, no longer enjoying things that used to give pleasure
  • lack of energy and feeling tired all the time.

Other symptoms can include:

  • disturbed sleep, such as having trouble sleeping during the night and then being sleepy during the day
  • difficulties with concentration and making decisions
  • low self-confidence
  • poor appetite or an increase in appetite (‘comfort eating’)
  • feeling very agitated or, alternatively, very apathetic (you can’t be bothered)
  • feelings of guilt and self-blame
  • thinking about suicide and self-harming.

If, after about six months, you are still struggling to cope with everyday life, consider getting some professional help, which you can discuss with your GP.

More support

You can talk to our midwives on Tommy’s free PregnancyLine 0800 0147 800. Open 9-5, Monday to Friday. The midwives on the line have received training in bereavement care and welcome calls from parents who have lost a baby.

There is also an online forum where you can connect with other people who have lost a baby.

Saying Goodbye offers support, advice and a befriending service. You can also attend Saying Goodbye ceremonies across the country.

The Child Bereavement Trust has support groups, offers counselling and lots of online resources. They can help siblings through a bereavement.

Twins Trust is the Twins and Multiple Births Association for support with losing a multiple birth baby.

Read more about stillbirth

    Last reviewed on September 1st, 2017. Next review date September 1st, 2020.

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    Please note that these comments are monitored but not answered by Tommy’s. Please call your GP or maternity unit if you have concerns about your health or your baby’s health.
    • By Mai (not verified) on 28 Feb 2020 - 06:05

      Hi! I'm from Philippines, reading this kind of article and all your comments are no difference what I feeling right now for my boyfriend's sister. His sister was 17 years old and lost his child 4 days old because of Meconium Aspiration Syndrome(MAS).

      Hiding her pregnancy for 7 months are not good for the baby, but soon after the family knows it, honestly in the first place the whole family of my boyfriend are got angry and feel pity for her, cause she's only 17 and still studying.

      Until now we're all in grief. It all happened yesterday.

    • By Fathimath nahma (not verified) on 15 Sep 2019 - 14:26

      I'm 22 years old. This was my second pregnancy. Everything was going normal with no complications. In my first pregnancy I had a boy. It was a normal pregnancy with normal delivery. He's 2 years now. It was just a normal scheduled scan day. Me n my husband went for the scan excited to know the gender. Everyone at home was excited to know the gender and was eagerly waiting for me to return from the scan. I was even asking my husband to take me to a bookshop after the scan to buy balloons and coloured papers so that I could surprise my family by popping the balloon with papers. Blue colour paper if boy and pink colour if girl. So we are at the clinic waiting for our number to come. We went there around 8.10 pm. Around 9 pm my name was called for the scan. So after lying down my husband told the doctor we wanted to know the gender. After checking a lot doctor asked me whether I felt any movement recently. I said yes. Again my husband asked the doctor about the gender. She said she will tell later. I could see nervousness on her face. And she was trying really hard to get something. That moment I understood something was wrong. After the scan she asked me to wait outside. I went out and took a seat. But my husband didn't came out. Few mins later he came outside. So after collecting reports my husband asked me to call him mom at home to come downstairs with my other documents. So we went home and collected the file and went straight to igmh, gynea emergency room. On the way to igmh I asked him about the baby not moving then he explained me what the doctor told him. Our baby didn't had any movement and had no heartbeat. He has been dead for 2 days. I didn't had any discomfort or pain also. So there was no known reason. I was admitted in the hospital. On 24-06-19 morning the doctors install extra-amniotic saline to induce labour. After the procedure I started getting labour pain, but it was very mild. On 26-06-19 At 7.15 pm I gave birth to a little stillborn boy. This was the moment when I got to know the gender. I had already chosen names. We named him Zaul Naseeh Mohamed. His meaning was "brave", which was same as my name meaning. I saw my baby boy. He was tall and all the parts of his body was formed. He even had eyebrows. My husband came inside and we both sign the birth certificate and the death certificate. It was a very heart breaking moment. I didn't wanna say goodbye to him so soon. It was the most devastating and saddest week of my life.

    • By cynthia (not verified) on 29 Jan 2019 - 22:47

      I waited for my baby for 41 weeks, was induced since my contractions did not start but unfortunately my uterus raptured and my baby suffocated,i wasnt able to hold her since i was so sick after emergency cs. To date i dont understand why i had to go through such a horriffying situation. i so hurt for my baby girl!

    • By Midwife @Tommys on 30 Jan 2019 - 14:10

      Hi Cynthia. I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your daughter - I know how difficult that must be for you. I hope that you have been well supported by family, friends and your medical team. If you need any further support, please feel free to get in touch with us on the helpline, or via our midwife email. Please take good care of yourself, Tommy's Midwife

    • By Anonymous (not verified) on 26 Dec 2018 - 11:53

      Hi I lost my beautiful baby boy due to hypetrnsion at 40 wiks on de 06/10 /2018 still now m not coping plsss help me deeply hurt

    • By Midwife @Tommys on 7 Jan 2019 - 15:11

      I am so sorry to hear this. I really hope that you are being supported by your family and friends and that you are recovering physically. The emotional scars though, take some time to begin to heal. You would be very welcome to call us here at Tommy's if you want to talk 0800 0147 800. We have a midwife here each weekday to take your call. We also have a Facebook group dedicated to couples who have experienced loss.
      Please feel able to contact us either now or in the future if you want our support. Best wishes x

    • By Lt (not verified) on 18 May 2019 - 01:14

      You ain't alone 40 weeks plus. 5 days 3\2\2013 soul destroying but time heals take care xxx

    • By anonymois (not verified) on 21 Nov 2018 - 19:55

      I lost my baby boy at 40 w
      iks due to hypertension on the 06/10 /2018 until now I'm not coping feeling sad pls help

    • By Midwife @Tommys on 22 Nov 2018 - 11:13

      Hi, Thank you for your comment.

      We are so very sorry to hear about the loss of your little boy in October, we cannot even begin to imagine how you and your family are feeling at this time. We can support you in any way that we can, if you would like to email on [email protected] or call us on 0800 0147 800 Monday to Friday 9am-5pm we are hear to give you the guidance and support that you feel you need at this time so please get in touch when you feel the time is right. Take care of yourself, Tommy's Midwives x

    • By Trice (not verified) on 11 Mar 2020 - 04:12

      I lost my baby boy at 20 weeks i informed there was no heartbeat and i would have to be induced. Im so heartbroken i can't think straight. Im so sad and then angry. Pls help me

    • By anonymous (not verified) on 14 Nov 2018 - 21:35

      in 2006 i gave birth to a baby girl and she is still alive but she was a bridge child the i was pregnant again in 2008 with a baby girl i had a still born then tried again in 2010 it was a boy this time same thing happened i carried him for seven months n he turned to a still born then i tried 2012 had a c session in 8 months, he is still alive and healthy tried again last year then gave birth to a premature baby in april this year which i spent two weeks with then he was gone. im still grieving and i dont know if its a curse or what but i see days going by. i dont wish to get pregnant again because of these past experiences

    • By Midwife @Tommys on 15 Nov 2018 - 13:24

      Hi Thank you for sharing.

      We are so very sorry to hear about your losses, it is unimaginable how you and your family must be feeling right now. We really hope that you have support around you and people to talk to at this difficult time. If you would like additional support from the Tommy's Midwives the please email on [email protected] or call 0800 0147 800 Monday to Friday 9am -5pm and we look forward to hearing from you. Be kind to yourself and take care, Tommy's Midwives x

    • By Chris Diane (not verified) on 3 Oct 2018 - 16:47

      Lost pourur first baby at 9 weeks and then the 2nd one just shy 20 weeks. I had a cerclage and it failed my water broke through it and i have to be in labor. Im so devastated to the point that feeling my water breaking was the worst feeling ever. I don’t wanna live anymore. I feel so empty.

    • By Midwife @Tommys on 8 Oct 2018 - 15:52

      So sorry to hear of your loss and really hope that you have found some comfort from our site. Please call us on 0800 0147 800 if you need to talk. We are here to support anyone who loses a baby during the pregnancy or just after birth. We are here Monday to Friday 9-5pm to support you. Take good care of yourself x

    • By Rhasheeda McGrath (not verified) on 17 Oct 2018 - 02:04

      I lost a set of twins and I can't cope with it.

    • By Marla Yoles Masika (not verified) on 21 Sep 2018 - 17:48

      i lost my first boy due to cord bleedng whch was due to laziness of the midwife,i still think about him everyday of my life and feel like he should come back to me,am suffering with night mares and my hands do ache to hold him my handsome man,baby Helkai Rest In Peace.

    • By Midwife @Tommys on 24 Sep 2018 - 12:02

      Dear Maria, I can understand your grief even after a year. I hope you gain some comfort from this page in knowing that you are not alone. If you would like to speak to someone please don't hesitate to contact us at Tommys 0800 0147 800. We have a midwife here to support you from Monday to Friday 9-5pm Take good care of yourself.

    • By Nam (not verified) on 27 Sep 2019 - 15:05

      I lost him this september 16 2019, Now i feel like i wanna get pregnant again as soon as possible. I can't move on. I always feel sick, i didn't lock up myself at home, i didn't cry in front of others even to my friend and family. I keep it with myself, so sometimes i feel so guilt, angry etc. I wan't to have him again.

    • By Anonymous (not verified) on 5 Sep 2018 - 05:01

      I lost my little angel at 20 weeks he had skeleton displasia and didn’t develop his lungs. Doctors told me he was not compatible with life and they had to induce labor. I gave birth to the most precious little angel the world has ever seen on July 11. Since then I am not the same person anymore. I find no joy in living and feel exhausted all day. I have no motivation to keep going. The only time of the day I enjoy is at night when I get to go to sleep. Getting up and face another day is torture. It takes all of me to just be. I feel hopeless, broken and lost

    • By Midwife @Tommys on 11 Sep 2018 - 12:17

      I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby and can only imagine what you are going through at the moment. From the feelings that you describe it 's very important that you seek professional support urgently.I hope you have support from family and friends; also that you have been able to talk through your experience with the Maternity unit that cared for you.
      Have you been in touch with SANDS charity which can provide more support for you?-I have attached a link-

      They also have a helpline- 0808 164 3332-that you can contact.

      Please also contact Tommy's PregnancyLine- 0800 0147 800 if it would help you to talk to a Tommy's midwife. You can also email us- [email protected]

      Take care
      Tommy's Midwife

    • By ameenat (not verified) on 24 Apr 2018 - 11:34

      hi loss of a baby is a very devastating event more especially me i lost my gorgeious daughter and last month in this 2018 i also lost my handsome boy the pain is undescribable both my zainab and aly died due to jaundice their bilurubin is too high they change the blood of my little aly and put him under phototherapy but finally he died seven days after birth and my darling zainab two days after birth


    • By Midwife @Tommys on 26 Apr 2018 - 15:09

      Hi Ameenat,
      We are so sorry to hear that you have lost both of you little ones so very recently. This must be a very difficult time of you and your family and we cannot even begin to imagine how you are feeling. If you feel like you would want to speak to the Tommy's Midwives in confidence, when and if you are ready, then please email on [email protected] Try and take one day at a time, don't put too much pressure on yourself and be kind to yourself at this time. Best Wishes Tommy's Midwives x

    • By Kylie (not verified) on 28 Apr 2018 - 14:47

      I am so sorry for the loss of your babies. There is nothing worse in life to lose your children. I wish you strength. I am the mother of a stillborn baby. You are not alone in the pain.

    • By raeesa (not verified) on 16 May 2018 - 23:32

      Lost my baby due to gestational diabetes and its painful feels like it's unreal this happened March 2018

    • By Midwife @Tommys on 17 May 2018 - 13:51

      Hi Raeesa,

      We are so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby, we can't even being to imagine how you must be feeling at this time. If you would like any support please contact us on email [email protected] or please call us on 0800 0147 800 ,Monday to Friday 9am-5pm, we are hear if you just need someone to talk too. Please take care of yourself, Tommy's Midwives x

    • By Omolabake (not verified) on 20 Jul 2018 - 11:34

      I lost mine on Tuesday last week. I neonatal hyperglycemia. It still is unreal!

    • By amina (not verified) on 23 Apr 2018 - 17:37

      it's very hard to me! am just 22 but witnessed that terrible thing my first daughter died two days after birth due to jaudice i wept over and over till i got pregnancy again ;on 6th march 2018 i delivered a handsome boy after two days he started suffering and he was admitted to hospital after some range of trements which include phototherapy,exchange of blood and so on.I suddenly saw him dead on his seventh day the same hour he was born which is aƙso due to jaundice.

    • By Midwife @Tommys on 26 Apr 2018 - 12:40

      Hi Amina,
      We are so very sorry to hear about the loss of your 2 precious babies. We cannot even being to imagine what you and your family must be going through at this time. If we can offer you any further support, advice or guidance then please email the Tommy's Midwives on [email protected], we are here any time when you are ready. Take Care, Tommy's Midwives x

    • By lily (not verified) on 22 Mar 2018 - 15:22

      hey do you have whassup contacts

    • By Midwife @Tommys on 23 Mar 2018 - 09:37

      Hi Lily,
      We are not contactable via Whatsapp but you can call us on 0800 0147 800 or email [email protected]
      We are here Monday to Friday 9-5pm.
      Best wishes, Tommy's midwives x

    • By Gugu (not verified) on 14 Mar 2018 - 16:42

      Hi I'm gugu I lost my child last month 19/02/18 she was born this year 16/01/18 still difficult to believe.can't even cope at all

    • By Midwife @Tommys on 15 Mar 2018 - 16:39

      Dear Gugu,
      I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter. If we can support you at all then please do contact us [email protected] and we will support you best we can. My thoughts are with you, take care, Tommy's midwives x

    • By Lina (not verified) on 13 Feb 2018 - 06:24

      My still birthed cousin died a few years ago. It was a horrible feeling. I want to know what I could have done differently to get over the grief.
      Thankyou xx

    • By Midwife @Tommys on 14 Feb 2018 - 11:08

      Hi Lina
      I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your baby cousin. It might be best for you to call me on 0800 0147800 to have a detailed chat about this, rather than message here in a public space.
      Thinking of you at this time as you are struggling with your grief.
      Sophie,Tommy's Midwife

    • By Dawn Thornton (not verified) on 22 Jan 2018 - 00:15

      Hi ,
      we lost our baby, my first grandchild 5 days after her due date as true to form she was stubborn and didn't want to come on Jan 1 2018. The recurring theme I am seeing is similar to my daughters story and what I am reading is that physicians are not listening to the complaints of their patients. Perhaps its because you cant really see the baby to assess the well being and of course familiarity with the patient is also and added issue. Mostly I think that physicians are misdiagnosing placental abruption and are looking too literally at the text book and not taking people as individuals into consideration. No one person presents the same for any condition and physicians need to stop putting everyone in the same category and start looking at the patient as an individual. Having said that I think it is safe to assume that I am deeply disheartened, hurt, sad that my 17 year old daughter had to endure a tragedy like losing her baby because she was unable to articulate her symptoms to a physician the night before she lost our Marie Ann . Sometimes you have to look further, I am a Nurse if I ignored every complaint or concern a patient or family member expressed I wouldn't have many living patients or be very good at my job. Fortunately I am not that Nurse. I wish I wish I wish I could trade places with my girl or her baby so that she wouldn't ever have to know the pain of losing a child.
      I have two great tragedies in my life...the first was my ex-husband. He broke me. The second was the loss of my grand daughter she shattered me.
      Good luck to all of you. I am hoping and praying that my daughter will recover from this horrible tragedy, have many more children, as she will be a wonderful...scratch this she was/is a wonderful mommy. I base my well being upon her. If she is ok then I am ok. lets all hope she is able to maintain a level of ok.

    • By Midwife @Tommys on 22 Jan 2018 - 16:28

      Dawn, this is such a poignant piece of writing, Thank you so much for your input. I am so sorry for what you and your daughter have been through. It must be so raw for you. If we can help to support you call us on 0800 0147 800. We are a team of midwives who are here Monday to Friday to support you. I too hope that she has a level of ok to maintain her but I know that with your unconditional support she will have as good a chance as any. Our best wishes to both of you x

    • By francaogechi (not verified) on 29 Nov 2017 - 06:35

      i have been ttc for 2 years finally on april i got my bfp,every thing was moving smoothly no morning sickness up untilli was 13 weeks gone i started having serious pains on my lower abdomen went to the hospital was told it was ligament pain ,i was given some pain killers which subsided the pains. 20 weeks pains came back went to the hospital for antenatal was told it was still same ligaments pain was given pain killers again ,2 days later went to wee and saw some funny mucus like discharge in the night so was planning to go to the hospital in the morning to lay my complain but unfortunately by 6 am my water broke was rushed to the hospital but my fluid was completely drained but baby heart beat was okay few hours later started having contractions the doctors tried to stop the contractions was given series of antibiotics against infection but against all odds on 30/07/2017 my son was born vaginally sleeping at 20 weeks 5 days. Ever since then its been so tough on me as i continually ask myself why me. Most of the people who where pregnant with me have all delivered carrying thier babies but me i am not. Its not easy

    • By Midwife @Tommys on 29 Nov 2017 - 09:21

      Hi francaogechi,
      I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your lovely son. That really must have been a very difficult experience for you and your family! It sounds as if you might benefit from some sort of counselling or talking therapy as it sounds as if you are still struggling to come to terms with what has happened and why. Counselling will enable you to talk through your memories, thoughts and feeling, and be given ways to channel your focus in other ways to help manage your grief.
      You are also welcome to call us on the pregnacyline to speak to one of us in the team. We are not counsellors, but we are used to talking to women who have lost babies, and you might find a friendly chat useful. We are here if you need us.
      You may find RELATE helpful for you and your partner - see below
      A national counselling organisation for couples. Relate offer face to face, telephone and online counselling.
      Helpline: 0300 100 1234 (Open Monday to Friday 9.30am to 4pm.)
      Email: Via website address below
      Please take care of yourself and know that we are here if you need us!
      Sophie,Tommy's Midwife

    • By Cheyenne DeBerry (not verified) on 10 Jan 2018 - 20:24

      Hi, I just lost my son on 12/23/17. I was 31 week and I'm very lost, would you mind talking to me?

    • By Midwife @Tommys on 11 Jan 2018 - 09:26

      Hi Cheyenne,
      I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your little boy. Of course we would be more than happy to speak to you- its wonderful that you have felt able to reach out for some support at this difficult time.
      You can either call us on 0800 0147800 (Mon to Fri 9 am - 5pm)or email us directly and privately on [email protected]
      Please take good care of yourself.
      Sophie Tommy's Midwife

    • By joby (not verified) on 7 Nov 2017 - 21:17

      after 4 years of marriage i finally get pregant..i was so excited when we i found out im pregnant 6 weeks and my husband so happy very excited and wishing we will have a baby girl. when we learn the gender “its a girl”we both so happy and excited to buy babies stuffs. i was so very careful on my foods . taking my vitamins on time eating healthy foods.. we never miss any check ups.. every morning im singing a song before we start our day .regular exercises. talking to her every minutes every hour..i cant wait to hold and cuddle her. i reach 38 weeks i never feel any contraction yet, except back pain and pelvic pain.. my little girl was so active when i entered 39 weeks almost every we are in the hospital checking her heartbeat , NST.. every thing was norma 39weeks and 5 days OCTOBER 22 2017..9am o start to feel the contraction and getting worse and pain every 10-15 minutes .im was so happy and cant wait to see her while siffering from pain im happy coz i will see her very very soon.10:00 am we run to the hospital and we reach there 10:30am they check NST and they couldnt find heartbeat we try the other machine and still no heartbeat on nst. they check ultrasound no heartbeat i was on pain and and dont know what to do.. so they did emergency c section.. they try to revived her but shes gone.. my world stop.. i cuddle her kiss her toes, knees, shoulder,head, while singing.. i kiss her cold chick cold hands and cry ..i still cant believe and shes always on my mind every minutes every hour. if only i could turn back time. i will undergo c section few days back . its hard for me and my husband.

    • By Midwife @Tommys on 8 Nov 2017 - 12:19

      Thank you for your post. You have been such a lovely Mum to your little girl singing to her every day and loving her in everything you did during your pregnancy. I cannot imagine the hell you and your husband are going through after losing her and having to recover from a caesarean as well.
      I'm not sure where you live and whether you have an option for counselling when you are ready?
      Many parents find it is a lifesaver to join a forum so that they can talk to other bereaved Parents about their experience and loss as they truly understand what you are going through.
      You need to recover physically from your caesarean by taking care of yourself. Mentally this is going to be a very long and painful journey and you and your Husband need lots of love and support from friends and family. There is a lot of information that might be helpful to read through on our website. We are also here if you ever want to talk on 0800 0147 800.
      With love and my sincere condolences
      Anna-Tommy's Midwife

    • By Emily (not verified) on 22 Nov 2017 - 00:20

      I am having a hard day. My story is extremely similar to yours, except one day sooner. My baby girl was born stillborn on Oct 21, one month ago today. I was 38 weeks and I too finally got pregnant after 4yrs of marriage l. I didn’t feel my sweet Avery moving much the day before, but then started having contractions early the next morning, so I thought everything was fine since people say that happens. But when I got to the hospital, she didn’t have a heartbeat. I am so sorry for your loss. It hurts so bad. Reading this website has made me understand that a lot of people have felt similar things, but it is still so hard. I hurt for my baby, myself, and all the people who have gone through this too. You will be in my thoughts. We will make it through this somehow.

    • By Midwife @Tommys on 22 Nov 2017 - 10:18

      Hi Emily.
      I am so sorry to here about little Avery- please know that you can call us or contact us if you need any support or advice. We are happy to help!
      Please take good care of yourself and thank you for sharing your story with us and supporting others like yourself! Your'e a wonderful woman! Sending love! Sophie, Tommy's Midwife

    • By joby (not verified) on 30 Nov 2017 - 21:22

      our story is really extremly similar.Its really hard and sorry for your loss.every hour every minutes im thingking of my little ASYA .

    • By Anonymous (not verified) on 8 Jan 2018 - 15:00

      My condition is too much similar to you, I was near to my expected delivery date and without any problem and went for regular checkup, nst and ultrasound shown less heartbeat, got ready for c-section , just before tha operation one more ultrasound was done just to watch the heartbeat but during the process my child’s heartbeat was gone, my baby girl was dead on 23 dec 2017, I am still not able to believe that it happened to me, I want want to go back and do the cesarean some days before .

    • By Midwife @Tommys on 10 Jan 2018 - 10:59

      Hi there, i am so very sorry to hear about the passing of your daughter. Please do get in touch with us by email or phone if you need any support, advice or even just a friendly chat.
      Thinking of you at this difficult time!
      Sophie,Tommy's Midwife

    • By Anonymous (not verified) on 1 Nov 2017 - 05:57

      Hey how is everyone doing I lost my baby at 22 weeks my water broke on August 3rd n I had her on August 4 at 11:08 and she passed away at 12:08 I held her the whole time bc my doctor had already told me it was nothing they could do for her. I was told at 16 that I would never be able to have kids bc I have pcos but on may 17 I was told that I was pregnant n I found it in June that it was a girl I was so happy but when my water broke on August 3 my whole world went turning up side down I still think bout my little princess everyday I never imagined that I would have to go through this but it's a hard hard pill to swallow well thanks for reading

    • By Midwife @Tommys on 1 Nov 2017 - 09:12

      Hi there. I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your little girl in Aug. I cannot begin to imagine how difficult that is for you and your family. Please do contact us if you need any further support from us. We can be reached by email and telephone. Thinking of you at this time and sending our love.
      Sophie, Tommy's Midwife

    • By Childless mother (not verified) on 3 Oct 2017 - 05:26

      I lost my daughter at 36 weeks . I was in labour for 3 days knowing that at the end of it all i had to say hello and goodbye to my beautiful girl all in one moment. I never imagined that on the day of my first childs birth i would be signing autopsy documents and planning cremation. How can anyone ever describe how this feels....? How can anyone ever fathom such pain, and know that they have to go home to a house that their baby will never come home to? I felt like I was in a horrible nightmare or like I must be watching someone elses life cause i couldnt understand how this was actually happening. I felt embarrassed, here i was so excited to be a mom...and now I am, but nobody else sees me as one. I felt as though i didnt even have the right to call myself a mother. It was such a whirlwind of emotions that at times i wasnt sure I had the strength (or will) to survive it. Its been 5 months since I lost my daughter, i think of her every day, and she will always have a huge piece of my heart. I take it one day at a time and never ignore my emotions because she deserves to be remembered, whether it be through laughter, tears, or moments of solidarity where I sit and try to grasp the reality of the situation. I carried her every second of her life and she will be with me every second of mine.

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