Why supportive relationships matter in pregnancy
Pregnancy hormones can make you feel a mix of emotional highs and lows, which can make many women feel more vulnerable or anxious. Some may also have trouble coping with their symptoms or even have complications during their pregnancy, which can cause extra stress.
From couple to parents
It’s quite normal for couples to argue, even if you’re in a healthy relationship. Sometimes this has nothing to do with pregnancy. But there are some common reasons why you may argue when you’re pregnant. These include:
- you feel your partner is less interested in the pregnancy than you are
- the baby doesn’t seem real to you or your partner
- you feel your partner is being too protective of you
- you are both stressed about money
- one of you wants to have sex but the other doesn’t
- you are feeling sick, tired and moody
- you are both anxious about being parents
- you are worried your partner won’t find your changing body attractive.
“I felt sick all day, every day during my pregnancy, which didn’t really get better until I was about 6 months along. I didn’t feel good physically and was also really upset that I wasn’t enjoying my pregnancy. This made me really stressed and irritable, which affected my relationship with my husband for a while.”
Making the change from being a couple to being parents isn’t easy. You’re probably thinking about how it will change your life and your relationship with each other.
It’s a good idea to talk to each other about your feelings and any anxieties you have about the future, including:
- your hopes
- your fears
- your expectations about life with your baby
- what kind of parents you want to be
- how you can support each other.
You may also find it helpful to:
- have an open and honest chat about how you’re both feeling. Take turns to listen to each other
- try not to be accusing or too negative, instead think about practical things you could both do to make things better
- try to understand things from your partner’s point of view as well as your own
- make a wellbeing plan to make sense of your feelings and help you talk them through with your partner.
Talking about how you feel won’t always stop you arguing. But it may make you feel better prepared for the changes ahead and reassure you that you are in a strong, healthy and loving relationship.
Sorting out relationship problems
Sometimes problems in a relationship can become overwhelming. Some people may feel like they are dealing with everything on their own and so feel isolated or resentful. Other couples may try to talk through their problems but still can’t find a way to sort things out.
If you are feeling unhappy you may want to try relationship advice or counselling. This gives you a chance to talk about your worries together in a safe and confidential place with a trained counsellor. You can also talk to a counsellor about your relationship on your own if you want.
- get relationship advice and support from the Couple Connection
- get information about couple’s counselling at Relate. They also offers a live web chat service where you can talk to a relationship or family counsellor for up to 30 minutes for free.
- find a private counsellor in your area though the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP).
If you split up
Unfortunately, some couples split up when they are expecting a baby. This can be a very difficult time for both of you but there is support available.
The charity Gingerbread supports single parent mums and dads by providing information about things like:
- financial support
- managing money
- you and your child’s wellbeing.
Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, psychological or financial. One in four women experiences domestic abuse or domestic violence at some point in their lives.
Some abuse starts when women become pregnant. Other times the abuse gets worse during or after pregnancy.
Domestic violence or abuse can cause emotional and mental health problems, including stress and anxiety. It also puts you and your unborn child at risk.
It may be very difficult to recognise or admit what is happening. Remember that domestic violence or abuse can happen to anyone and you are not alone.
There are professionals you can talk to if you are thinking about having a family but are being abused. Nobody will judge you or tell you what to do, it’s just important that you get support (listed below).
If you’re not comfortable talking to someone face-to-face, you can call the Women’s Aid 24-hour domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247. They will give you confidential advice and support.
Remember that anything you say to your midwife or doctor is in confidence. That means they can't tell anyone else without your permission.
You can tell your midwife or doctor if you are experiencing domestic abuse. They may be able to help you and, if not, they can advise you where to go for help.
NHS Choices. Domestic abuse in pregnancy https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/domestic-abuse-pregnant/ (Page last reviewed: 17/03/2018. Next review due: 17/03/2021)Hide details
ℹLast reviewed on October 12th, 2018. Next review date October 12th, 2021.
By Midwife @Tommys on 21 Mar 2019 - 17:01
Hi - Thank you for your message.
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through difficulties in your relationship during what should be an exciting time. Pregnancy can affect people in different ways and sometimes a partner may need time to adjust to the changes ahead.
Have you tried accessing counselling and support services such as relate?
By Anonymous (not verified) on 18 Jul 2019 - 05:49
Clearly, this woman has requested the end of a relationship, at the very least space a d solitude. OPs post worrys me for many reasons- but your response was detestable. If I'm not mistaken your profession requires you to, among other things, recognize abuse.
Three (3) weeks it was since he had seen her, and three (3) weeks it was prior to an appointment he likely showed up for - and yet he was in need of "urgent" advice? Since when has a period of 3 weeks regarding any "relationship", or in OPs case, the lack thereof, ever been considered "urgent" in your field? Perhaps the urgency was that he was running out of material and needed a professionals help so he could harass her?
I have a passion for advocating for the rights of women; and while I have an obvious bias towards victims, if I did not know any better, I would possibly empathize with the OP's statements, specifically with regard to how he feels - but his feelings are irrelevant. His feelings do NOT entitle him to anything over her objection! She ENDED the relationship. Period. Full-STOP. No question. That was made clear. He refuses to accept her decision. What other decisions is he refusing to accept? Perhaps this man refused to accept her decision to say "no" in the bedroom, possibly 15 to 16 weeks prior to the post?
Even if that were not the case:
I am quite surprised that you, a midwife, would even insinuate that her thoughts and emotions are any less valid - they are not.
To add insult to injury, you have (heaven forbid) given this man the "go-ahead" to pursue her, and thus act against her own personal will- and the basis is that her decision making abilities are not only faulty, and that she just needs time to "adjust"?
Ma'am, with all due respect, please look closely at his words. When I read it, I immediately gathered that he is not capable of accepting any variation of"No" for an answer; he is intentionally omitting information as no one is ever completely innocent in a breakup; she made the decision to end the relationship, whilst pregnant nonetheless; his question was not entirely direct, he was "fishing"- what else, if not an abusive situation, could this be?
Victims are exploited, abused, stalked, cannot enjoy freedom of association because of the human ability to "adjust" - fight, flight, acquiesce, or play dead. Sometimes what may appear to be "adjusting" is actually dissociative behavior stemming from repeated advances and forcible interactions. This is not limited to gender or age.
The one thing every single victim with a Dissociative Disorder has in common: at one point they attempted to physically dissociate themselves from perpetrators by creating space- it is when they care unable to get away that they begin to "split", or dissociate mentally. Perhaps this woman is, or at least was, trying to do just that.
To encourage a man to continue pursuing a woman who has said "no" in so many ways, and in no uncertain terms isn't only sickening, its disheartening.
You proffered the basis of chemical imbalances against her, as if pregnancy renders a woman incapable of making decisions, yet he made no claim that she was mentally incapacitated. You may have unwittingly given this OP ammo.
What is even more disturbing is that you would go as far as to validate his ridiculous idea that he is somehow entitled to attend her visits, which would no doubt compromise any claim of communication or health privilege. Why on earth would you insinuate that insistence is a good idea? I am so bothered by this.
Somehow you believe the OP is entitled to (breaking down the consequences of your encouragement): her time, company, companionship, future, health records, to be party to confidential and privileged communications and that she will eventually "adjust" to the same - in your assertions, outside the box, a man (who may well be abusive) could very reasonably infer that he is entitled to her, as her own person. Because she will "adjust", and you even suggested therapy. She is trying to get away from him - read it again! And again if needed!
She already said "NO". As a midwife, how many rape victims do you see for exams any given month? Congratulations, this is one of the many reasons rapes occur. "No" just means keep going, according to this midwife at least.
I have seen this many times.
Men lay the empathy card.
They seek any information to further their agenda.
They are usually suave, play the martyr, and appear innocent and clueless.
They also abuse their women and impregnate them using whichever for of reproductive coercion the man chooses.
This prevents them from leaving.
This allows these men to exploit them and/or otherwise abuse them for as long as the child is under 18.
Please reconsider the way you respond to male posters who appear to have a broken heart, are confused, and whatever else they state. I can guarentee you, there's more to this post, and the poster left the most pertinent details out- intentionally. Pleade be more mindful.
By John (not verified) on 29 Apr 2019 - 22:47
You’re not alone. I’m going through the same thing right now. She even told me she doesn’t know if she has feelings for me anymore
By Kim (not verified) on 12 May 2019 - 06:33
I know how she feels I can’t understand why I don’t want to be around he either
By Alpha (not verified) on 13 Mar 2019 - 06:36
Why do you guys always think like women are innocent in relationships?? Why you never talk about mens who are abused everyday by their wives? Stressed and still provides for his family?
Remember actions equals to reactions. Both mens and women may suffer the same in relationships when one pattern is becoming what he or she was supposed to be in relationship
By Chelsea (not verified) on 12 Mar 2019 - 02:32
I’m just looking for anyone that will help us..This will be my child I was so happy still in disbelief that I’m pregnant.At first my boyfriend was excited just like me then as time process he’s getting more and more distance from me ..Its time where he leaves and stay out all night leaving me alone every time I talk to him he say sorry he’ll change but never does. It be days where he make me feel so worthless as the mother of is unborn child and girlfriend to point my life is pointless begin with him. Every time I try to leave he’s always throwing up in my face that we having a child but I don’t want to be with anyone who make me wish some days I wasn’t here . And the more and more I tell him about my feelings it’s like he’s feedings off my pain and treat me like nothing
By Lucia (not verified) on 24 Mar 2019 - 09:33
Im going through the exsact same thing. Ive been experiencing this kind of abuse for years and now that ive fallen pregnant. Hes acting the same way. I dont even no where to turn because i have no friends and no family . Ive tried to leave but he blows up and says that i dont love him, which is a form of Muniplination. Im not trying to tell you what to do. But i suggest you should get proffessional advice from a relationship counsellor. Or womens aid, to advise ypu on what to do.
By Joselyn Pinto (not verified) on 25 Apr 2019 - 14:59
I thought I was the only one that felt like this, even though it is not the best way to be treated and i wish you were not going through this i am 24 weeks pregnant and i feel the exact same way with my boyfriend and i. I feel as if i didn't exist he still would not even care. exactly what you said, the more i tell him about my feeling and express to him how his actions make me feel it feels as if he is feeding off my pain rather than changing or caring to make the situation better. Im sorry i cannot give you an answer to your response just know that there is someone else out here going through the same thing. I hope things get better.
By Tina (not verified) on 24 Jun 2019 - 01:35
I am three months pregnant and I have had to move back in with my mother because it all got too much. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and he pressured me into having a baby. Now I am pregnant he has changed from being excited and supportive to abusive. I just can’t believe the switch in behaviour. We had one argument a few weeks ago about his work and he is holding onto this to emotional torture me although I have apologised on numerous occasions. He just keeps on saying he needs space but ignores me and seems to thrive on my misery. I have poured my heart out to him and I get nothing back. He is also has told me that if I leave him he wants nothing to do with me or the baby. He has no remorse or empathy about the fact that I am absolutely miserable at a time that I should be happy. I did not imagine that I would be doing this on my own and I am so anxious about what is to come. I feel like a burden at my mothers but I can not return back to our flat and fall deeper into depression.
By Heather (not verified) on 21 Mar 2020 - 08:21
Leave him. You dont need him. And you can have him give up his rights of seeing the baby or even force him to pay child support if you need it. Plus considering the abuse, maybe think about a protection order for you and the baby. I wish you luck. I'm so sorry.
By Risa (not verified) on 18 Jan 2019 - 10:55
My partner and I have been together over 20 years since we were teens. We already have two children together and I am expecting the third in may this year. I work part time as a teacher, but my partner brings in the majority of the household income. On a daily basis he tells me that certain things I am doing are not good enough, in fact almost everything I do he has a problem with. He tells me I am inadequate as a mother, and complains about the mess of the house, even though I don’t sit down during the day because I am constantly doing housework when I am at home. He complains about money, but I pay a good chunk of the household bills, and pay for anything the kids need at the beginning of the month. This leaves me with nothing to last the month and he knows it. He doesn’t just put me down as a mother he attacks me verbally about my personality and the way I look, especially now I’m getting bigger because of the pregnancy. If I fight back I make him angry and he starts trashing the house, last time he broke our freezer. I get very emotional and cry and he tells me I’m pathetic. I know this is not right, but I can’t see anyway out. I ask him to leave, but he says I wouldn’t cope on my own financially, and even though I want him to go I know he is right.
By Midwife @Tommys on 21 Jan 2019 - 16:29
I'm very concerned to read your message-your partner should not be behaving towards you in this way.
Please could you email Tommy's at [email protected] or contact our pregnancy helpline on 0800 0147 800 so that we can give you more personal support for this. If at any time you do not feel safe at home or that your partner may harm you or your children then you should contact the police on 999 immediately for help
By Vee (not verified) on 18 Mar 2019 - 17:22
Hey I’m really sorry you are going thru this. I am going thru the same as well. I pray things get better for us.
By Brooke (not verified) on 15 Jan 2019 - 02:09
I know I am going crazy, he tells me this daily.
Although he really doesn’t understand and does nothing to help the situation
Just tells me “I hate babies” “fuck that thing for 10 months”
I got very upset when he said those things, but to him I blew up.
I’m having a child with this man? Who says things like that? And then blames me for just being crazy
And also laughs in my face when I’m crying and all I want is for him to be serious. It’s all fun and games to him.
Is this the end? Or should we keep trying?
By Midwife @Tommys on 16 Jan 2019 - 12:05
I am sorry to hear what a difficult time you are having in your relationship as a result of your pregnancy. It sounds like your boyfriend is finding the news hard to process. It does not sound like your boyfriend is being at all supportive. In fact, he sounds abusive towards you. Do you feel safe to stay with him? Is he harming you both physical as well as emotionally?
Please call us on 0800 0147800 if you wish to talk anything through with us, we want to help you support you through this difficult time.
All the best, Tommy's Midwife
By Steve powell (not verified) on 11 Feb 2019 - 15:09
What you need is emotional support and understanding and love. And you don't need it yesterday, you need it now ! Your boyfriend is probably freaked out by the whole experience though, and is short circuting. Try to talk and communicate in a comforting way about your needs, and what kind of comforting and support you need. Try to build him up, so he will feel like a man and participate, and do the right thing. If he absolutely will not respond, I'd find a good man instead.
By Mae (not verified) on 1 Apr 2019 - 03:55
I'm on the same situation as her :(
By Jasmine (not verified) on 24 Jun 2019 - 06:07
I know it’s different from the outside looking in, but my BF is the same way. He tells me he is excited and makes me feel special sometimes, but then if I say something to him like if he is doing something wrong he snaps on me and it seems like he doesn’t care. I’m 6 months pregnant and he punches me hard on my wrist when I try to push him away from me, he punches my head, he punches my legs where I can’t even walk. I’m literally limping at times, he also chokes me and pushes his hand against my mouth, grabs me so hard by my arms that I will have bruises. I afraid of him and at the end he says it was ur fault, u did this for me to act this way. Ur not the only one that feels like he doesn’t care ;(
By Baby A (not verified) on 6 Jul 2018 - 22:10
So, I'm in need of some advice. I have been with my boyfriend for two years. I am currently 8 months pregnant. We moved in with my mother to save money and I haven't been working since I have been having complications with the pregnancy. This is both of ours first baby. He is paying the bills, but makes money and so far has not saved anything. Previous to us getting pregnant we used to drink a lot and dabble in drugs. I was tired of that lifestyle and we started to stop, or so I did when I got pregnant. He finally stopped drinking in May of this year. However, he has been lying to me, sneaking drinks, and taking suboxene and something called kratom. He lies about where he is. Gets high, and still sneaks about. I want him to be the best father for our baby. But if though he is trying, he is still hiding and lying. I'm helpless bc I am relying on him. I love him and have not given up on him. But he gets moody and has jealous and rude behavior. Probably because he is deflecting his behavior and always trying to blame me for something leasing to his behavior. I am at a loss and want to be in the best environment for our baby but will he ever change or is this how put relationship will always be? He won't get help nor will he go to couples therapy with me. I am tired of walking on eggshells when I am pregnant and stressed and hate that he is always lying to me. What do I Do? I can't bear the thought of us not being a family. How do I know he won't drink or be high holding our baby? Why is he so miserable to try and be sober and just be happy with everything he ever said he wanted? Now it's a reality and it seems he wants out bc life is too hard? I feel like I am always the one doing something wrong to make him this way? I cant walk away bc how will i pay for bills and how can i give up on our hopes for a family?
By Midwife @Tommys on 12 Jul 2018 - 12:18
I am really sorry to hear that you are finding yourself in such a difficult situation, and it sounds like there are some hard decisions for you to make. The most important thing is to make sure that you and your baby is safe. Is there anyone that you are able to talk to about what you are going through such as family or friends? Do you feel comfortable speaking with your midwife for some support? It maybe that he needs some support himself with use of drugs and alcohol but also possible mental health? The difficult thing is that he needs to want support, it won't be effective if he doesn't and there is not forcing him as this won't help.
I would suggest speaking to someone for support and to help you make sure that you are both safe and looked after.
I wish you all the best
By Midwife @Tommys on 24 Apr 2017 - 09:43
I am so sorry to hear of the incredibly difficult experiences you have gone through and continue to do so. feeling low and worried for the future is understandable, but it sounds like things are getting more difficult to cope with, especially now you are pregnant again and the previous issues aren't resolved.
Please call us on our Pregnancy Line 08000147800 (we operate Monday-Friday 9.00 - 17.00) or via email [email protected] if we can help you any further.