There was nothing but emptiness inside me and around me

October 2016

Beth

'I'm sorry, I can't find his heartbeat'... Those words I will never forget.

I was 18 when I fell pregnant with my little boy. I was so excited my other half was just as excited if not more than me.

Being pregnant and gaining this gift was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

I would go baby shopping and buy things every month whilst I counted down the days till I got to hold my little one. By the time it come to my gender scan I had brought practically everything I needed for when he was here clothes nappies baby wipes etc ...

It was at this moment we found out we were having a boy! I was so happy!

My pregnancy was perfect up until 25 weeks.

My waters started leaking and I was struggling to feel him move. I went to my midwife who told me he was fine and that I wasn't feeling him move because he was transverse.

Each week from then it was one issue after another at 30 weeks my midwife told me he was measuring 6 weeks smaller than he should be but she didn't think it was a problem and refused to send me for a scan.

At 32 weeks I ended up in hospital with stomach cramps and leaking fluid after swabs and numerous attempts of getting them to listen to me they sent me home without a scan or a blood test. I guess the only good thing was that he has moved to 3/5 engaged.

At 35 weeks I went to my midwife appointment angry I just knew they were missing something... Lack of movements, leaking fluid, stomach cramps I just wanted answers...

She told me he was measuring small again and that I shouldn't be concerned and also that he was transverse again. How could that be? He was engaged at the hospital it's impossible and sent me on my way.

Then the dreaded appointment came my 37 week midwife appointment. By this point my room was filled with baby items and my happiness and love for my son was phenomenal.

I can't find his heartbeat she said he's also transverse still we have to get you to the hospital. I knew I just knew he was gone...

I got to the hospital and waited in the scanning room with all the pregnant mummas crying my eyes out. All I remember were the ladies words "I'm so sorry I can't see a heartbeat" my other half and me collapsed.

Why me? Why now?

I was greeted by a doctor a hour later who started talking to me about funerals and cremations. My feelings... The ones I had left were raging.

I cried and screamed I had to wait 3 days to give birth to him and finally on the 18/10/15 I gave birth to my son Koda Bailey still born. He weighed 3lb 8oz and was tiny. He had no cord around his neck but my placenta was the size of a tea cup saucer.

He had stopped growing and the midwife told me had only been dead approx 3 days. He must have died the morning of my appointment. I spent from 12:00pm until 7:00pm with my son until I said my last goodbyes...

It was the hardest thing I have ever done. He was gone. And so was my heart.

I can't describe my feeling when I walked out of the hospital. There was nothing but emptiness inside me and around me.

I blame myself each day for what happened to him. It wasn't my fault but I do. After 6 weeks of arguing with the hospital and appointments I finally got my answer my midwife and the hospital hadn't done there job properly.

She had missed several opportunities to carry out a growth scan but didn't follow procedure and left me she hadn't filled out half of my notes and had plotted my graph so it made it look like he was measuring fine when he wasn't. The hospital sent me away when they should have scanned me there and then but they were "too busy" that day to do anything.

I pray everyday that no one goes through what I did. And I beg all new parents to be seen and push if you feel somethings wrong. I miss my son everyday and nothing will bring him back.