Baby Loss Awareness Week - Voice Seven - Nora Leinad

Nora Leinad of the ’Self Therapista’ reflects on how her illustrations helped her on her journey to heal.

October 2017

A few weeks passed by… my parents left from our home and my husband had to go back to work. I was sitting on the couch with my unfamiliar consciousness. Am I going crazy now? Life went on around me, but I stayed in that heartbroken moment of mine. After eight admirable months of pregnancy, we’ve lost our boy.

At that time I only had waves of feelings like sheer anger, The why? The why me?! I will die!- I just had to do something, something to save my mind. I started to draw.

Later on I realised the fact I needed some help.

I made my second step. I decided with the help of my husband to go to a psychologist, specialised on pregnancy and baby loss. As time passed by I recognised how she opened my mind by teaching me to say things out loud and put my feelings into words. That was and still is hard for me. Verbalising my feelings is indeed painful. During the sessions I never mentioned my drawings, I kept them secret. At that time I did not know what part of me they were.

By now I know exactly. The essence of my drawings are concrete statements of feelings, things that are upsetting, hurting me, or things that are making me happy.  Like I said to a friend of mine “Life is like the ocean with waves of emotions that are generated by these unexpected moments.” So even though writing is not my strength, before I draw I have to think through what I am exactly expressing. It has to be very straight to the point! Just like the drawings themselves: simple, clear, black and white with no detail.

This part of me made its own birth from its depth of sadness, helping me to survive as time goes by. I have to say it out loud and express my sorrow just like during a therapy. 

So here I am, healing myself with self therapy. And you know what?! By now I’m doing it with a hope in my heart that it is helping others too. It came to me like a fragile light from above. There are other human beings in our universe with the same sad and tragic past. They gave me courage, hope and showed me there is a future. And the other way around: the echoes of my drawings made me feel I am not alone, I am not a weirdo and I might even be able to help through them.

I'm alright. I have an amazing husband, family and friends by my side. I love our little Rainbow Zoe. Her name means life. I love life and I am truly happy… but with a big scar as a constant reminder. I will never be the same person anymore.

You can follow Nora's journey and see more of her amazing artwork on her Instagram at @selftherapista