Tommy's guest blog, 12/04/17, by Emma
In April 2014 my husband and I decided that we wanted to start a family. I stopped taking my contraceptive pill and after about 6 months of no periods I started to get a bit frustrated!
I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of February 2015. I felt sick, completely went off avocados and blueberries and would do pretty much anything for marmite on toast. I was tired and was looking forward to that pesky first trimester to be over.
On the 25th March 2015 we went for our first scan. I was nervous, of course, but looking forward to it. I had seen a million ultrasound scans over the years because of various friends and family having babies so I knew what to look for.
As the black and white image came up on the screen I knew something was wrong. There was nothing but a small circle in the middle of the image.
The sonographer then did an internal scan but I knew it wouldn't make a difference. She said I had had a missed miscarriage and the baby had stopped developing at about 6-7 weeks.
I went completely rigid. No tears. No shaking. Just numbness.
I had an operation that afternoon and I cried for the rest of the day/week/month. I was devastated. At the end of April I went back to the Early Pregnancy Unit at QC hospital because I'd had some random and unusual bleeding.
That's when I first met Maya. She scanned me and said my womb looked brilliant and that my ovaries were making eggs again. As I was about to leave she asked "How are you doing?" I replied "Yeah fine thanks!"
She then looked me straight in the eye and said "I'm going to ask you again....how are you doing?" Well as you can imagine I completely lost it! She was wonderful and spent a long time talking me through everything and reassuring me. She said she fully expected to see me when I get pregnant again.
So, at the beginning of June I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified.
I remember catching myself physically holding my stomach with my hands as if to somehow keep the baby in there. When I was about 5.5 weeks I started spotting. My heart sank. I went to the EPU and another midwife scanned me. All I kept asking was "Is the baby growing correctly for the age?"
It was then she looked at me and turned the screen so I could see. There was not one but three sacks. I was having triplets!! They were identical as I had only ovulated once. I left the hospital in a complete daze. My husband nearly fainted when I told him!
That was on a Friday and on the Sunday I was on the toilet from 4pm until 1am miscarrying.
We had lost 4 babies in as many months and I honestly was done. I didn't want to go through it again.
I wanted to punch every pregnant woman I saw. I wanted to punch those who got pregnant who I didn't think deserved a baby. At the time I was volunteering in a safe house for women with drug and alcohol addictions as well as for women in the sex trade or who were homeless and several got pregnant during my losses and I'd hear them talking about getting rid of the baby. How I held my tongue I'll never know.
I decided after the second miscarriage to give my body a break. So we gave it 6 months before trying again.
Then in Feb 2016 I got pregnant again. I saw Maya every week for a scan and each time was so so scary.
I gave birth to our chubby little boy Josiah on the 1st November 2016. Josiah means "God heals" and that is what Josiah is to us. He has healed my fears that I can't have children and he has healed some of the pain of losing 4 much wanted children.