I didn’t know how to cope with the emptiness

I became pregnant in March 2016, 3 months after my husband and I started trying. We were delighted. It was an exciting, anxiety-free couple of weeks.

We lost our first baby at 6 weeks. I’d slept badly on the Saturday then woke on Sunday in the most agonising pain. When I started bleeding, I think I knew what was happening, I just didn’t want to believe it.

At hospital they told me ultrasounds weren’t available on Sundays, but a blood test showed that my HCG levels were very low. We were asked to go back the following day and a scan confirmed there was nothing there.

I was desperate to know why this had happened, but we didn’t get any answers.

The incredible midwife said that the next time I fell pregnant to contact them directly and they’d scan me early.

More heartbreak

I didn’t know how to cope with the emptiness, I just wanted to try again. By June we were pregnant again, but I was so anxious.

Our six week scan showed our baby had no heartbeat. We were told that wasn’t unusual and that we should come back in two weeks. At that second scan, I just knew. The midwife gently explained that I’d suffered a missed miscarriage and that I could wait to miscarry naturally, take a tablet or have an operation. I had the operation five days later.

They explained we could have a post-mortem and we were desperate for answers. The results showed no chromosomal defects and the loss was classed as unexplained. We discovered we’d been expecting a little boy.

At that time, a close friend was expecting a baby at the end of February, our son had been due at the end of March. I so wanted to be happy for her, but it was incredibly hard. I just couldn’t understand why this had happened to us again.

Feeling numb

I took a week off after the operation but then went back to work, I just wanted to get on with things. I didn’t grieve, I don’t think I’ve properly grieved or dealt with any of the pain.

I went on the Tommy’s website after the loss of our second baby and found the information really helpful. Knowing I wasn’t alone was reassuring.

We decided to try again, and at the end of October we fell pregnant. At 11 weeks, we had a scan and were told there was a heartbeat. I was dared to allow myself to feel hope.

At our 12-week scan the following week, the hospital sonographer said that our baby was waving at us. Everything seemed so positive. However, after 20 minutes, she suddenly said, ‘something is seriously wrong’. I was so shocked. She said there was a high chance of Down’s syndrome and that we’d need more testing on the Monday, adding, ‘unless you miscarry over the weekend’. I was inconsolable.

At this point I also called Tommy’s and spoke to a midwife who listened and offered support. She told me that, given the losses I’d had and was going through, I could get some help.

Our hearts were broken

We went to a private specialist on the Monday morning and were told that our baby’s kidneys looked enlarged. On examination, the doctor explained our baby had multiple cysts on both kidneys. We could either wait for the inevitable or choose to end the pregnancy which, he said, would be kinder to our son. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to hear.

My husband bought our son a cuddly lion for our consultant to place beside him, so that he would never be alone.

Attending my son’s funeral was something that nobody should ever have to go through.

Desperate for answers

I couldn’t face trying again, but I desperately needed answers. I had lots of tests done to see if we could find a cause for my losses.

The day before the results, which came back negative, I did a pregnancy test which was positive.

Eight months later our incredible Harry arrived. The anxiety I suffered through this pregnancy was indescribable. I’m still dealing with everything I went through. However, our beautiful son is now here. He’s doing well and we feel so lucky to have him.