#misCOURAGE story, 02/03/2017, by Darion
In April 2015 I found out I was pregnant for the first time me and my partner was so excited that we couldn’t wait to tell people.
During the first 2 – 3 months I was very poorly I could go 24hrs being constantly sick and nothing would sit right I know people can have really bad morning sickness but something wasn’t right.
I decided to go see my GP but I kept getting fobbed off that it was just morning sickness.
One morning in early-May I went to the toilet I was slightly spotting I contacted my GP straight away I was so scared and upset at the time, they booked me into the early unit at Scunthorpe general Hospital the nurse did an internal and informed me that everything was fine and the baby was healthy.
In late June the same thing happened again I started spotting I was worried that something wasn’t right!
My GP referred me to the early unit again where the nurse was able to give me a scan image of my baby and informed me that yet again everything was fine.
I was so happy that I had my first image of my baby but I was slightly concerned as scans normally show babies laying on their back and my baby was on its belly.
In early July I received a letter to go for my dating scan and to check for Down syndrome on the 10th July at Hull Royal infirmary, my partner and I arrived at Hull Royal infirmary for our dating scan they called me into the scanning room and laid me down on the bed.
They told me that I needed to go for a walk for the baby to turn so they could check for down syndrome.
After half hour I was called back in and the baby had only moved a little bit the nurse that scanned me had to call another nurse in as they had found something that wasn’t right.
We was then told to wait in a little room at the side of the corridor I was so scared at the time.
A nurse can in the room with a leaflet about babies being born with their bowels on the outside the nurse had informed us that we needed to return on the Monday to see the consultant.
Monday arrived and I was scared but I was thinking everything will be fine in the end a lot of babies are born with their bowels on the outside.
The consultant called me into the scanning room I had taken my mum for support, the consultant decided to do an internal scan there was no sound in the room you could have heard a pin drop as she was taking images of the baby.
The consultant asked me to go clean myself up in the toilet in the room while she went to go get a nurse I overheard her saying to my mum that it wasn’t good news at all.
As I re-entered the room there was 3 faces staring at me the consultant told me to sit down as she explained, I had amniotic band syndrome which meant all my baby’s organs was on the outside and that my baby’s spin wasn’t growing and it only had half a leg.
I was in shock, I didn’t talk.
My mum asked all the questions there was nothing I could do they told me that my baby wasn’t going to survive and that they had organised me to come in on the Friday for the baby to be removed.
The consultant told me she had been doing this job for 20 years and this was only the 2nd time she had come across amniotic band syndrome they told me it wasn’t anything I would have done and that it wouldn’t happen again but how did I know this?
Nothing sank in at first I didn’t know what was happening I didn’t have a choice I walked out of the hospital and it all hit me I burst into tears.
For the next 3 days before the termination on the Friday I had to travel to Hull Royal for them to take blood give me tablets I felt awful the worst thing about it they sat me in a room where there wasn’t anyone I felt so alone.
Friday came they informed me the process I didn’t want to go through with it this was my baby and they was taking it away from me.
I asked the doctor that was doing the operation if they could let me know what sex my baby was, I am still waiting now for that information.
The time came for me to leave hospital on the Friday night they told me they would cremate my baby and they would scatter there ashes with the rest of the babies all I could think is what about me why don’t I have the chance to scatter them.
They gave an information letter saying I needed rest and that a consultant would contact me in the next 4 – 6 weeks to check me physically and mentally.
Still to this day I am waiting for a phone call or a letter I think its disgusting I was only 22 at the time and to deal with all this with no one to help me!
I could have done with someone to talk to or to get counselling I had to deal with it all myself.
3rd December 2015 I did a pregnancy as I hadn’t yet come on my period, I was pregnant I was over the moon I couldn’t believe it but this time I would only tell close family members until I knew everything was ok.
I told my mum and partner they couldn’t wait they was so excited.
On Thursday 9th December at night I started spotting again I contact my mum and she said go to be and see how you are in the morning she said try not to worry about anything but I was mortified I was shaking all I could think is I hope nothing is wrong.
Friday morning came I pulled the covers back and I was covered in blood I just broke down in tears and thought to myself why me have I done something wrong to deserve this!
I contacted my GP they rushed me through to Scunthorpe hospital where they did an internal scan and nothing was in my womb they took bloods and informed me that my pregnancy hormones was still there and I needed to do a pregnancy test in a weeks’ time to see if they are still there.
A week later I did the test I knew they was going to be there and I was right.
2015 was a hard year and an even hard one when I look around and see my friends having babies.
I haven’t yet had a baby I decided to go back on my pill I could cope with the upset anymore.
I still really want children but I am worried I just need help getting over that fear its always in the back of my mind that what did I do wrong I don’t drink I don’t smoke I lead a healthy life style, is there something wrong with my body.
It upsets me because I feel like the laughing stock of the family no one else has had this problem in my family no one has lost a baby and then had a miscarriage I feel like an outcast.
I tend to put on a brave face people always say to me now I don’t know how you can be so strong but deep down I’m not it hurts inside, still to this day I can’t go to my partners parents’ house as his brother has had children and I feel like they laugh at me because I couldn’t give them a grandchild.
Maybe one day I will be lucky enough to have that chance and not fear it.