by Sally White
Once I felt ready my husband and I were very excited and immediately started eating healthily and cutting out alcohol and caffeine to give our pregnancy the best start.
We conceived really quickly and we felt over the moon but decided to wait until our 12 week scan to tell anyone. I can remember feeling exhausted and sick all the time which was different to my first pregnancy but I kept telling myself every pregnancy is different.
Our 12 week scan soon arrived - I had convinced myself something was going to be wrong so felt very nervous as we sat in the waiting room. To my amazement baby was developing well and wriggling around so we left feeling ecstatic and full of excitement. Over the next few days we broke our happy news to our nearest and dearest. But I still had an urge to keep our news as private as we could which was very different to our first pregnancy when I wanted to tell the world!
I spent the next few weeks adjusting to being pregnant and started to feel better until I started spotting. It was very light and I tried not to worry but made a doctors appointment just in case. As we had already had a normal 12 week scan our gp wasn't too worried but booked me a scan to be sure. However, that night the bleeding got worse so we decided to go to A & E. As I didn't have any pain they weren't too worried but kept me in overnight to be sure.
The next day I was monitored and then had a scan at 6pm, my husband and I burst into tears when we saw our baby wriggling and the consultant reassured us everything was fine. She told us to go home and relax.
On the way home I developed an achey feeling like period pain but kept telling myself not to worry as I had seen baby was fine.Once home I was exhausted so went to bed early. I woke up at 11pm ish in awful pain and a pool of blood. I started walking around our bedroom as that seemed to help. I woke my husband but he said not to worry as the consultant had said I would most likely bleed throughout this pregnancy and not to worry.
I went downstairs to the bathroom where the bleeding increased and the pain was unbearable.
I managed to scream for my husband and then delivered our tiny baby boy on our bathroom floor. Overwhelmed with shock and sadness we sobbed and sobbed! But then the pain returned and the bleeding. I can't really remember what happened next but I ended up being taken to hospital by ambulance as I lost so much blood and ended up in Resuscitation as my blood pressure dropped so low.
Once I was stable the doctor brought our little man to us and my husband and I sobbed in each other's arms as we said our hellos and goodbyes. He was so perfect and had my husbands hands, legs and feet which I will never forget.
I spent a few more days in hospital as unfortunately I didn't deliver the placenta so had to have a procedure to remove it. I felt numb emotionally and physically and just wanted to be at home with our daughter.
It took me 4 months to recover physically as I was aneamic so took tablets and eventually my blood levels went back to normal. Emotionally I now feel stronger but I think of our little man everyday and will always wonder what he would have been like.
The hardest part was not having an answer as to why it happened? So many people told me it was 'natures way' and to remember the statistics of miscarriage! But that didn't help ease my pain and made me feel cross as I would have loved our baby boy no matter what problems he may have had.
We had a small service for our little boy and I placed a white rose from our garden on his tiny white box. I collected his ashes a few days later and driving home I felt comforted that he was back with me.
I decided I would speak out about our little man and his story as so many people ask me if and when we are going to have another baby...even people I've just met whilst in the park with my daughter. I found it hard at first but I think it has helped me to come to terms with losing him and hopefully can help others to know they are not alone in miscarriage.
On June 6th 2015 our little baby boy was lent not given,
To bud on earth and bloom in heaven!
I have found reading others stories through Tommys has really helped me and the research is so vital as I know how much heartache not knowing why has caused for us. I was so shocked to discover that you have to have 3 consecutive miscarriages before the NHS will investigate! Which is why Tommys is such an amazing project.
On September 11th 2016 I will be doing the London to Brighton bike ride in memory of our little man and to raise money for Tommys. I'm nervous and excited but mostly so happy I can do something positive which might help other parents to discover their 'why!'
Sending all my love to all our sleeping Angels X