The scan showed our baby's heart stopped beating pretty much the day of our last scan.... devastated was not the word.

by Emma

May 2016

We decided the time was right to start trying for our second child, we didn't think for a second we would have any issues especially since our first was so straightforward.  It took us 6 months to get our positive pregnancy test, we were over the moon and eagerly started waited for our 12 week scan. A few weeks later I remembered a friend of a friend going through something called a missed miscarriage, something I hadn't heard of before but I became increasingly worried and paranoid that this too would happen to us. Time passed and all seemed well, I hadn't suffered any sickness but then I didn't with my first.Finally the day of our 12 week scan came, I remember the journey vividly and got quite upset and shared my fears for the first time with my partner, I hadn't wanted to worry him before... I'm sure he thought I was being daft and kept positive for the both of us.

We were called in and as I entered the room I broke down, instinct just told me something wasn't right....

I was right, there was no heartbeat and the baby only measured 8 weeks. We were devastated.... we were escorted to another ward, I honestly felt like I was doing the walk of shame as I passed all these pregnant women eagerly waiting there scans. Our options were given to us but it was suggested that I opted for medical management due to the amount of time that had passed. It was one of the most awful experiences of my life,I had never been put under with anaesthetic before but all the nurses etc were lovely and reassuring. It was over quite quickly and I felt so lost afterwards. Time passed and I concentrated on my son to get me through... not that he had ever been told! A week or so later... I had a niggling feeling something wasn't right so ended up with a scan that showed I still had "retained" products so I was put on a course of antibiotics which helped.

I had a couple of cycles and we fell pregnant again. Of course there was excitement but also dread, what if it happened again ...surely it was a one off bad luck. We decided to pay for a private scan at 8 weeks for reassurance. Again sad news awaited, there was no heartbeat and the foetus measured a few weeks behind. This time I had to wait and go back for another scan ...in case my dates were wrong, but I knew it had happened again. A second scan a week later confirmed another missed miscarriage. We were due to go on holiday the following week so I decided to see if nature would take its course and if not opt for the operation again. 

We got back from our hols a week later and nothing had changed so again, in I went. I was slightly less nervous but it was still as upsetting as the first time. We fell pregnant after one cycle, which kind of kept me going. My doctor arranged for an early scan this time and in we went at 6 weeks. I always experience the same feeling of dread walking into a sonographer's room now. 

This time was different, there was a heartbeat, an amazing little heartbeat. We were so overwhelmed I just sobbed. Finally what we were praying for! Another follow up scan was booked in for 9 weeks to check on progress. The date came round we went in with a deep breath and again everything looked perfect. This could actually be it for us I couldn't believe it. I was enjoying the sore breasts the expanding waistline, although all these things happened previously this time I could feel it was all positive!

My 12 week scan came round we walked in worried but with a sense that everything would be OK, but it wasn't! The scan showed our baby's heart stopped beating pretty much the day of our last scan.... devastated was not the word.

We couldn't believe it had happened again.

I couldn't understand why my body carried on being "pregnant", giving us false hope, when all hope was gone. This time I really didn't want another op again; I figured it couldn't be doing me any good. I wanted to wait to see and hope something would happen naturally. Three days later it did, it was a Sunday evening and instinct kicked in again. I went upstairs, away from my family and sat on the toilet. I just knew something was happening. I wanted it to be painful, I wanted to feel something, to make it real. After about 30 mins I knew he/she had come out, instinctively I reached down and took this tiny blob. I knew exactly what it was it was my lifeless baby, hardly formed but unmistakable. I had my moment before saying goodbye. I will never forget that feeling, the realness, the heartache. Myself and my partner didn't talk much about things but we had our own ways of coping.

This was the third miscarriage so I was offered testing which of course I agreed to. It was an agonising 4 months we had to wait for results and to not try to conceive for. That day could have ended so differently but the results showed nothing was wrong, we were given the green light and told to start a low dose of aspirin as soon as we conceived again. After our appointment I went straight up to the labour ward to see my pregnant sister in labour and later on that night witness my gorgeous niece being born.... Amazing!

Luckily we were pregnant again that month and after a couple of positive early scans, finally after 2 long years we got our healthy growing baby at our 12 week scan . It was amazing we were so happy, the most amazing moment was telling my 6 year old son.... he was so happy!! It wasn't until our 21 week scan that I felt comfortable announcing our good news to the world. On March 15th our rainbow baby was born. Our journey has been a tough one but our two boys make me smile every single day!