Story by Carissa,
Our time will come.
This is not a joyous story, it’s not for sympathy, it is not for attention, it’s about something so taboo, it’s rarely talked about and sometimes frowned upon, but it’s a real one, it’s a truthful one, and it’s raw.
This a story about how life isn’t always perfect. Its not always sunshine and rainbows. It’s about how life can be hard. It can feel like you’re drowning and can’t come up for air, it’s trying to get up but only being pushed down ten times harder.
It’s about not seeing that silver lining you wish you could see.
I questioned whether I should share our story..it’s personal, it’s sad and it’s painful.. nonetheless it’s still ours.
Pete and I knew we wanted a family and we finally decided to let things happen if they happened. Right away, Pete and I were ecstatic when we found out we were having our first baby, we talked about the future and all of the new adventures we were going to start together.
We decided we would wait til Christmas to tell our families the exciting news. “The Best kept secret arriving Aug 7th 2019” oh Boy was it hard to keep that secret.
It was shortly interrupted on 12/12 when I noticed pink spotting.
We rushed to urgent care where the doctors drew blood & ran tests saying everything was fine. They told us to come back in 2 days to repeat the tests. Pete remained hopeful as I knew something wasn’t right. I didn’t “feel pregnant” anymore.
The next day 12/13 as the day progressed I noticed more bleeding,bright red this time. We again rushed to urgent care where they ran tests & stated that there was no baby, my levels had dropped significantly... I was in the process having a miscarriage. There was nothing I could do to stop it, the doctor suggested I go home in the comfort of my own house to let it pass. In that moment our future was destroyed.
First year birthday parties, the kind of nursery we’d have, wondering if baby was a boy or girl, all went down the drain. Our hearts were shattered.
Time went on and months had passed.. not really trying, but knowing it was okay to do so by the doctor, We were once again pregnant. This time there were a mix of emotions: feeling terrified, happy, nervous, yet thankful for another opportunity and praying everything would be OK this time around.
Our Rainbow baby was expected to appear Oct 17th, two days after Infant & Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day.
Oh the serendipity in knowing that had me feeling even more thankful. This baby was going to be the perfect Rainbow baby. At the 5 week ultrasound everything looked fine.
Baby was there, sac was there, flickers of the heart beat were vaguely on the screen.
Things seemed to be in our favour... I had all the pregnancy symptoms... March 1st came around, we went in for our doctors appointment eager to see our little love... “There’s no heartbeat...” the doctor stated. He decided to send us back home and do another ultrasound in a few days. We remained hopeful, I still had all the symptoms of pregnancy, I was nauseous, I was throwing up, I had food aversions etc.. (in a miscarriage you lose those symptoms or they subside) A few days had passed and I was back for yet another ultrasound, we were notified that my placenta was growing but baby wasn’t. Baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks 2 days. In shock and denial ... how is that even possible?
But I still feel pregnant? I’m tired? I’m throwing up? I’m nauseous? I have all the signs for a healthy pregnancy? There was no cramping? There was no bleeding?
The doctor termed it as a “missed miscarriage”. It’s when the body hasn’t recognised that the baby is no longer living, but still produces all the hormones as if it were a viable pregnancy.
It felt like I was in a nightmare, feeling all of the symptoms of a pregnancy but knowing our baby was no longer living... I was a walking nightmare.. My body was now the grave site for our baby and my body didn’t even know it. Pete and I experienced two losses in only a few short months ... Why... Why us? I was devastated, I was in denial, and I was angered. I was mad at my body. I questioned everything I did that led up to this, what am I doing wrong? I felt defeated and I hated myself.
I started to question my faith, I questioned god and his so called plan, how could he do this? not once but twice? Why give us something and take it away yet again? I felt betrayed. Why is he putting Pete and I through this?
My heart aches an unimaginable ache.
It grieves a way that’s un-explainable. My heart is broken in a way it’s never been broken before.
But in the end, he is the almighty one, I may not understand, I may never know why.. we may never get answers and I have accepted that...despite the pain and sorrow, I am grateful for my husband and his unconditional love and support, I am thankful for my family and friends who got to experience the short amount of joy we had with this little love.
I am thankful for having the opportunity to try and bear children, as some don’t. Pete and I just have to wait a little longer for our blessing...Our time will come ... and when it does, it’ll make us that much more appreciative, for we have faced the trials and tribulations.
I know, Our time will come ♥️