No reason why

Although she was tiny, no longer than my palm, she was so wonderfully wrapped in a blanket.

Story by Natalia, 

When I’ve found out that I was pregnant with my second child I was going through some hard times with my husband, not really knowing if we’re gonna stay together. I was feeling guilty for not necessary planning it, but the love inside me grew nevertheless.

When the weeks went by our marriage seemed to get better with both of us having more time for each other. By 16 weeks I wasn’t showing a bump and didn’t feel anything but midwifes kept telling me it’s normal. I can’t remember from when exactly I started to feel that something wasn’t right... when the time came for my 20 week scan I don’t know why I’ve taken my phone charger to the hospital app., I said to my husband that I might need it if something is wrong and they will want to keep me in... boy was I right...

As soon as the sonographer left the room to get another opinion I’ve burst out crying knowing that my baby is dead. In the end they have said that it died at around 15 weeks... for few weeks I was carrying my baby who’s heart was no longer beating.

I’ve refused to go home with a tablet and wait for it to happen on its own. I didn’t want to show my son how upset I was and in general I didn’t want to have to be brave for him.

I have chosen to stay in hospital and just grieve for my lost baby. In early hours of 1st of July 2016 we’ve welcomed our baby who we have later found out was a girl.

Although she was tiny, no longer than my palm, she was so wonderfully wrapped in a blanket (that I’ve to this day).

We got to hold her and kiss her. It was hard as I couldn’t understand that to the world I had a just miscarriage and to me I gave birth to an angel baby, and that’s how I’ve chosen to refer to it.
The weirdest thing was that although I was no longer pregnant I had that feeling of unconditional love for a newborn still within me.
It took doctors three months (between which me and my husband chosen to attend baby Julia’s funeral on our own) to tell me that they couldn’t find a reason why it happened, and that I think was the hardest to understand and caused me to blame myself...

Thankfully we’re given a green light to try for another baby and we have managed to fall pregnant within first month:)

Now I’m a mum to two lovely boys (6 year old and 16 months old).

The whole experience have definitely mended our marriage and we are a happy family of four, however we’ve chosen to keep Julia in our lives by openly talking about her and visiting her grave.

I’ve learned to accept that she’s safer where she’s now, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’d of loved to know why was she taken from us in the first place.

I hope that Tommy’s through their research would be soon able to help families like us answer that question.