I’ll never forget seeing our baby on the scan monitor. It no longer looked like our beautiful baby that we saw only a few weeks ago at our 12-week scan. I couldn’t see its little nose, its big belly or tiny foot. I knew something wasn’t right.
“I’m afraid it’s bad news” said the Consultant.
We lost our first baby at 13 weeks in January. After “passing” the 12-week scan, we assumed all was well and we shared the news with our family and friends over the Christmas holidays.
I went back to work in the New Year, reassured that baby was growing perfectly. We couldn’t be happier.
The most difficult part for me was being told that I had to be induced and deliver our tiny baby that same week.
I cannot describe in words what we had to go through that evening. Both the physical and emotional trauma will stay with me forever.
We learned everything we needed to know about the NHS that night - the care we received from the midwives was amazing. I’ll forever be grateful for their support and professionalism on what would be the worst evening we have ever experienced.
Despite my grieving, I felt so guilty about what they both had to go through and that I wasn’t there for them both as much as I should have been. Little did I know that I was now relying on them to help me get through this dark time.
Miscarriage is a taboo subject, and no one talks about it. The amount of people that have reached out to us to say that it had happened to them too.
Some didn’t even tell people about their loss. We chose to talk about it because we want to support other families. You feel alone and it's personal grief like no other.
It’s been four months since we lost our baby and the loss is still raw. We later found out we had a girl and we decided to call her Grace.
I’m going through counselling and I still speak to friends and family about our loss. However, I still look down when I see a pregnant woman walk towards me or avoid eye contact with the woman with the “Baby on board” badge who sit opposite me on the Tube.
I look at babies differently and no longer coo at them like I used to. Instead, I am reminded of my loss and I feel the sadness in my eyes when I see them look at me.
I just remind myself that its ok to not feel ok and that these feelings are normal.
We chose Tommy’s because of their great research into the causes of miscarriage, premature and stillbirth. I read the supporter stories the week after we lost Grace and it made me realise that our story is only a drop in the ocean of so many families who have also experienced baby loss.
We are still sad that we won’t be able to hold our baby next month. But, we want to make the weekend as positive as we can in memory of Grace and of all the other babies whose wings grew too soon.
So, we are sharing our story to let other bereaved parents know that you are not alone. To the mothers, I am with you on this journey of loss, grief and recovery. I feel your sadness, your frustrations and anger. I pray and hope that one day, we will get our rainbow baby.
And to our lost little angels, we will never forget you and you will always be in our thoughts.
Debbie & Will