by Natalie Wheeler
It all began on 4th October 2015 when my fiancé proposed to me. It was by far one of the best days of my life and what I've always wanted.
We were so happy and at the end of October I found out I was pregnant.
I've never felt such a mix of emotions. I was happy but scared all at the same time. My partner was absolutely over the moon and to see his face light up made me the happiest girl in the world.
Those two blue lines changed my life I had continuous thoughts 'will I be a good mum', 'am I going to have a boy or girl?’. Once the surprise settled in, I started to enjoy the fact I was pregnant.
Within a matter of days, I noticed that I was spotting. Not knowing much about pregnancy, I thought this may be OK since it wasn't a lot. I went to work for a night shift as per normal and started to bleed heavily. I have never felt so scared and worried. Luckily working at an airport we have medics on site. My work colleague called a medic and I ended up going to hospital where they confirmed I was miscarrying.
The doctor was so blunt and didn't seem to care telling me 'I was young', 'plenty of time to have children', 'at least I can get pregnant'
These statements are so cruel when you are coming to terms with losing your baby. I had to go back in 48 hours for repeat bloods. Hope still remained even though it was unlikely, later that night the hospital rang to tell me they had lost my bloods as they hadn't been labelled so I had to go back again the next day for repeats. I have never felt so let down.
I cried my eyes out for days but slowly managed to pick myself up and carry on.
Early December I found out I was pregnant again. I had experienced a few symptoms but was expecting to start my normal cycle so it definitely came as a massive shock. I told my partner and I have to say it was the happiest day of my life!
Again we started to plan the next few months getting so excited about our future.
Mid December I found out I had got a manager promotion at work. I really felt my life was working out perfectly. Later that day I had a very slight light brown discharge but I didn't think this was anything to worry about however I decided to make a doctors appointment to be on the safe side.
The doctor was surprised that I had fallen pregnant so quickly after my miscarriage and sent me for a dating scan and to check everything was OK.
A week later at the scan I lay on the bed with my best friend next to me, anxious and excited to see my baby for the first time.I believed I was 8 weeks pregnant so I knew I was to expect to see the heartbeat. As soon as the scan started I knew something wrong. There was no heartbeat and the foetal pole only measure at 5 and half weeks. I was devastated!
Over the next couple of weeks and a couple more scans later, my missed miscarriage was confirmed and I had to go into hospital for my ERPC.
I tried to stay strong, didn't cry much but a month later it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was depressed and cried at everything
Thankfully my new doctor was so supportive and I am now having counselling and continuous checks with my doctor.
What I've learnt is that is totally normal to grieve and I didn't need to act strong. It's OK to cry until you have no tears left.
Losing my baby is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and that's why I am now raising money to support Tommy's research so that more answers to questions can be answered and to help many offers come to terms with their loss and prevent others going through what I've been through.