Story of #miscourage by Cara,
I am recently recovering from my 6th miscarriage which unfortunately turned out to be ectopic.
My husband and I have been doing IVF for three and a half years and finally thought we were onto a winner sixth time round.
When we started with IVF I was not entitled to any NHS funding as I was a little overweight. I was offered the chance to join the waiting list and in the meantime lose weight but that list was 18 months therefore neither of us were prepared to wait that long. As a result, we embarked on IVF self-funded but at our local NHS Fertility Clinic.
After our first round, we were ecstatic to see the two lines on a home pregnancy test. I naively thought we were the lucky ones who were so blessed to have a baby on the first go. Around 6 weeks pregnant I was devastated when I started bleeding. An early scan showed 2 sacs were still there and we were sent home to rest. I continued to bleed. The following week I returned for another scan. Unfortunately I had miscarried both babies - there was nothing to be seen at the scan.
The sadness and pain we both felt was indescribable. I always struggle to explain exactly how heart breaking this was. We both entered a state of grieving and found comfort in each other. A couple of months later we felt strong enough to have another go. A few weeks later we were jumping for joy once more with the two pink lines. Although not long after I yet again miscarried. This went on twice more.
To endure one miscarriage is hard, but Recurrent is truly heart wrenching.
At this point I hit rock bottom. The doctors kept telling me that my losses were nothing more than bad luck. My intuition told me differently. I had some testing done for genetics and a blood clotting disorder which all came back normal. We had one more frozen embryo left and as our tests all came back normal, we chose to transfer the last one. Tragically I endured yet another miscarriage.
At this point I well and truly lost it. I felt angry, sad, let down by my clinic, robbed of my babies and so much more. My poor husband struggles too. Thankfully we are close enough that it has not risked our marriage. It has actually brought us closer each time we experience a loss. Although I can totally understand how some marriages do not survive such a difficult struggle.
After my 5th recurrent loss, I did some research and came across a clinic in London who specialise in recurrent miscarriage.
I have been diagnosed with elevated Natural Killer Cells whereby my body attack any growing fetus as it considers it a foreign body. Finally I was diagnosed with something! This summer my husband and I temporarily relocated to London for a month to embark on another gruelling round of IVF with lots of different medication thrown in. We excitedly transferred two top quality embryos and eagerly awaited the results. We chose to go on holiday during the two week wait and were blessed with a positive result. At around 6 weeks I began to bleed, although only very lightly.
It concerned me but not hugely as it felt different. I went in for an early scan which still showed a sac. We were relieved and thought this has to work for us this time. We had put all of our faith in this new clinic. The following week we excitedly attended our 7 week scan. Nothing was there. I was well and truly broken this time. No words will ever describe the pure devastation we both felt. I hadn’t bled again so where had the baby gone I asked. Apparently it is possible for your body to dissolve a growing baby. Who knew. I certainly did not. I had a routine blood test done to check my HCG blood levels and we went on our way.
The following day I received a phone call from one of my nurses who sounded terribly worried. My blood results were suggestive of an on going pregnancy yet there was nothing to be seen at the scan. I was rushed to hospital and scheduled for surgery to locate the pregnancy. As we had transferred a double embryo, there was a second baby growing where it should not be. I went into theatre with tears rolling down my face. I feel as tho that poor innocent baby was growing as it should and was innocently unaware of his/her fate. The surgeons removed it along with my right Fallopian tube and ended my pregnancy. I still find those words so difficult to say. I feel after everything we’ve been through and we ended that pregnancy just like that. Had my baby been in the right place we would be around 11 weeks now.
To date I am still recovering both physically and mentally. As a woman who not only cannot conceive but also when I do via medical intervention, I cannot carry a baby it makes me feel like less of a woman. All I have wanted in my life is a family. The empty feeling I have makes me feel so lonely. Sometimes I worry that my husband will no longer find me attractive and at times I think but who would?
IVF and all the other medication I’ve been on recently has made me put on approximately 4 stone over the years. It is so so hard. I do not know what the future holds for us. I find myself asking will I ever get my longed for rainbow baby? Who knows. But one things for sure, so longs I have my wonderful husband by my side then we will be OK.
A family is something we both desire more than anything so it is not a fight we will give up easily. I hope one day that my story can finally inspire others. Once I have my rainbow baby I can tell people not to give up.
As I prepare for IVF take 7, I can feel my old self starting to appear again and she is strong, will not be defeated and will fight for what she wants. Infertility I hate you - you have taken away my confidence, my carefree attitude, our savings, and so much more but one things for sure you won’t beat me.