I told my daughter in my best fake laughing voice, "Do you know what, mummy wasn't pregnant after all she was just getting fat."

August 2016

Cat

When I was 13 I moved town and made a lot of fantastic friends, little did I know that 10 years later I'd end up falling madly in love with one of them :D

David and I started seeing each other and found out pretty soon that we were pregnant. I was nervous to tell him as we hadn't been together long but we both had a beautiful daughter each from previous relationships and I knew he was a great daddy.

When I told David he was ecstatic, I had never seen anyone so happy in all my life. So we went for out booking in appointment and got our scan date through and the pregnancy and been really straight forward and uneventful. But the day of the scan came ( 28th December so right between Christmas and New Year) and something inside just didn't feel right so I abandoned the plan of taking my daughter with us and dropped her off with her grandma.

As we walked up to the hospital the dreading feeling washed over me (as far as I knew there was absolutely no reason for this feeling). David reassured me that everything would be fine and put his arm around me (I love this man) so we went in and waited in the waiting room and eventually it was our turn.

The scan seemed to take a life time, but after only a few minutes I could see on the sonographers face something was not right.

But I still had no idea what, eventually after what felt like a life time she said she needed to go and get a second opinion, but returned empty handed to give us the heart breaking news that out beautiful little peanut had no heart beat. She turned the screen round for us to see and I felt my heart break, it was possibly one of the most devastating moments of my life to date.

I had already fallen head over heals in love with this little baby, peanut was a part of us.

We then had to sit and talk to the lady from the early pregnancy assessment clinic and discuss our options. It honestly went by in a blur, but I remember being given the option of surgery or medical management or to leave things to happen on there own. I ended up going with medical management but honestly I don't even remember making the choice.

So the weekend passed and Monday morning came and I went to collect the first half of the treatment the night before I was due to go to hospital for the second half of the treatment I had excruciating stomach pains and woke up bleeding horrendous amounts. We got to the hospital and I doubled over in the lift.

I felt everything come away and I felt empty, completely lost. 

The next few days simply went by in a blur with the exception of the heartbreaking memory of telling my sweet innocent little 5 year old that she would not be getting a little brother or sister and telling her in my best fake laughing voice "do you know what, mummy wasn't pregnant after all she was just getting fat."

Telling her this was awful, it felt wrong to deny our baby but she was to young to feel this hurt and the beautiful memory of my now step daughter cuddling up on my knee that night and falling to sleep together and I remember feeling so so thankful for our beautiful girls and my now husband who was my rock and got me through the most emotionally and physically painful time of my life.

We went on to get married 6 months later on what would of been peanuts due date (9th July) to honour our babies memory and we now have 4 soon to be 5 beautiful amazing children but nobody will ever replace our little peanut.