I realise I was only 9 weeks but it was still 'my baby'

by Caroline

May 2016

After my daughter was born in 2008 my husband and I held off on trying for another baby. I already had a son from my previous marriage and had got pregnant with my daughter very quickly. After a few years, we talked about trying for a baby and although we had the usual worries about money, housing etc we decided a 3rd child would complete our family.

My daughter was 4 when we started and I was the ripe old age of 42. Amazingly I got pregnant within 3 months. I didn't have morning sickness as bad as in my previous pregnancies but thought all would be well. I had my 9 week booking in visit with the midwife and was on such a high.

The bleeding started the day after and I'd lost my baby within the week.

I realise i was only 9 weeks but it was still 'my baby' it was brutal and devastating and hearing 'you can try again' or 'well it's your age' destroyed me. I subsequently miscarried two more times and again was told by a consultant 'its unlikely you'll get pregnant and stay pregnant and give birth to a healthy child, you're at risk of stillbirth or a disabled child' my husband wanted to stop after this and I refused to give up so we went away with the kids, came back, I was pregnant again a month later, got hyperemesis and was hospitalised but my beautiful boy Fred was born in February 2015 when I'd just turned 45.

He's healthy and happy and an utter joy. I'll never forget my lost babies, although they weren't born they're still part of me and our family. Miscarriage at any stage is devastating, not just for the woman but for the man too (my big strong 6ft 4 bearded husband broke down at work the week after the 1st one.) It's more common than you think and to get people talking openly about it can only be a good thing. My mother in law still remembers every second of her miscarriage over 40 years later. I was lucky, I got my happy ending, not everyone is so fortunate