Determined to live life to the fullest

"While I have very limited control over something that matters so much to me, I am determined to control my outlook on life. I want to see what life throws at me and to live it to the fullest. If that means carrying on my amazing life without my own children, then I’ll take it."

Story by Laura

‘I’ve lost three chances to be a mum. I’ve had three miscarriages, all before 12 weeks. I thought the first one was just bad luck, but it’s hard to think that once you’ve had three. I blamed myself, my body. There was obviously something wrong with me that meant I couldn’t perform this natural thing.’

I love my life, it’s full of amazing people, a job I love at a cat welfare charity and plenty of fun. But I carry with me a constant and sometimes overwhelming sadness and grief that I can’t imagine will ever leave me. It’s not just for the miscarriages, now further down my journey it is for a life and children I may never have.

I was in my mid-thirties when I first tried for a baby. I came off the pill and was pregnant within three months. I got incredibly excited and even started to think about names. We were due to drive to my mum and dad’s house to tell them the good news on the day I miscarried. I was 7 weeks when I lost the pregnancy.

I was pregnant again within three months. That pregnancy went on to 11 weeks. We started to get past the scary stage and began to let ourselves believe that everything was going to be okay. I was devastated when I lost that pregnancy too.

After the third miscarriage I had secondary fertility issues and was diagnosed with Asherman’s Syndrome. It’s a condition caused by scarring during the surgery where they remove a pregnancy if a miscarriage doesn’t happen naturally. I didn’t know a ‘missed miscarriage’ was a thing before it happened to me. Every miscarriage I’ve had has been different, they’re rarely like they show them on TV.

After years of being told the only option was IVF, which we couldn’t afford, I was told the scarring had finally been cleared and I was maybe good to go and get pregnant again, but sadly this didn’t work out

‘I often feel like an outsider, looking on while others have kids and build their families.  It’s taken me about 5 years, but I finally feel ready and determined to enjoy the life I have. There were moments, many of them, where I couldn’t imagine ever feeling truly happy again.’ 

I find myself healing all the time. Recently my friend’s toddler ran to me for a cuddle and my teenage niece asked for my advice, these moments both made me well up but also made me feel good. It’s taken me years of tears to get to this place and the sadness will never leave me. I’m not sure I could handle the heartbreak of another loss or the anxiety of being pregnant again.

My experience has helped me to understand that everyone has their life story and most of us have some heartbreak and are struggling with some aspect of life. I learnt that we should all seek support where we can. I wouldn’t be where I am now without my friends, family, therapists or my cat.

Thank you to those amazing people who help make my life good, and to those of you who support me, who make me smile and are there when I need a hug.