#misCOURAGE story, 17/05/2017, by anonymous
Married and 27 years old, feeling that we had done everything right we were delighted to find out that we were pregnant.
We paid for an early scan at 8 weeks as we were too excited to wait to see a heart beat, which there was and we felt like a weight had been lifted from our shoulders.
I work in a hospital and at 10 weeks thought I'd pop to ultrasound, I just had a feeling that I needed to check everything was ok.
Heartbeat, yes there was, but the sonographer noticed an abnormality too. Cysts behind the neck - a sign of a chromosomal abnormality.
I went home devastated and having to tell my husband the news was heartbreaking.
We visited the consultants, had blood tests and a cvs, and they came back as Edwards syndrome. I'd never heard of it before and the more doctors spoke about it the more I began to realise that our baby had little chance, and we were told to expect that the baby would almost certainly not make it to term as further complications became evident, leaving us with a decision as to whether to continue with pregnancy.
I was afraid to continue on, to grow and change, for people to see I was pregnant knowing that we would likely loose the baby. I was afraid the baby would suffer, or be in pain if I was selfish enough to want to try to see how far we could get too. We didn't know what to do.
At a follow up appointment at 12weeks, I asked to consultant if he could do another ultrasound to check the baby, this time no heartbeat.
The wave of grief was unbelievable. Nature had taken its course and our baby didn't make it.
I felt such conflicted emotions, glad that we didn't have to make a decision about termination, confused - how didn't I know that it's heart had stopped beating, sorrowful that I wouldn't get to hold my baby.
I waited for 4days before I was admitted to the hospital for a d&c under general anaesthetic. 4 days of fear that I would see the baby pass.
We told very few people what happened to us, how do you bring that up?
I wish it was normal to talk about miscarriage, to be able to know if my feelings are normal - to be upset by the tiniest things, the constant thoughts of I should be this many weeks or I should of been able to feel the baby move now.
I worry about the road ahead, I fear the due date coming and going, I fear Christmas when we should have been a 3, and I fear loving the next baby as much just in case.
But we have to count ourselves lucky, we got pregnant, we were able to find out the reason for our miscarriage, and a chromosomal abnormality is extremely unlikely to happen to us again.
We just have to keep trying, there's a rainbow after every storm after all.