4 words and our entire world fell apart

Story of #miscourage by Yasmin

We struggled to conceive our firstborn due to PCOS and amenorreah.

We were due to start fertility treatment the month I fell pregnant completely naturally. I was very poorly throughout my pregnancy and ended up being induced early due to hypertension but gave birth to a healthy baby boy.

It was a big decision to try again for our second baby after everything we had been through but decided it was what we all wanted. We conceived very quickly after just 3 months and were over the moon. My symptoms didn't seem as strong as our first pregnant which worried me a little so after much persuasion of my husband decided to have an early private scan. At 10 weeks pregnant we went to our scan all excited to see our baby for the first time. I knew by the silence in the room that something was wrong.

The sonographer just looked at us and said those 4 words which changed our lives "I'm sorry there is no heartbeat" I don't actually remember the rest of the conversation other than that maybe there could have been a mix up with our dates.

That little flicker of hope that kept me going over the next few days.

It was a Saturday so there were no midwives working over the weekend other than the labour ward which wouldn't help me as I was only 10 weeks pregnant. I called the early pregnancy assessment unit first thing Monday morning and managed to get an appointment that day. The EPAU said the same but that they would have to re-scan me in 10 days to make sure there was no change. I spent the next 10 days crying and praying that something would change. 10 days later went for our scan to be told that nothing had changed and there was still no heartbeat.

I felt devastated and heartbroken. I had no idea that a miscarriage could happen like this with no symptoms. I had no cramping and no bleeding so really no idea that something was seriously wrong.

I was given 3 options 1. To wait and miscarry naturally 2. To be given medication to induce the miscarriage and pass our baby naturally 3. Surgery to remove our baby.

I choose to have surgery as I just could not bring myself to pass our baby naturally.

My surgery was the following day, it was quite possibly the worst day of my life. I so wanted this baby and there I was going to theatre to say goodbye to the baby I had not even met. I went into hospital pregnant and left no longer pregnant without our baby.

My heart was broken and a little piece of my heart has been taken forever.