#misCOURAGE 22/08/17 by Jessica Bunce
November 2016, February 2017 and July 2017.
These dates will be forever significant for my husband and I. July 2017 was our 3rd miscarriage, it was different to the previous 2 as those both started with bleeding and cramps and I soon knew what was happening to me.
For the 3rd we went for our 12 weeks scan not quite believing we had gotten to this stage, so excited. We had bought a photo frame to put the scan picture into and planned our ‘Rainbow Baby’ announcement. The midwife started the scan and looked at me and said ‘Are you sure about your dates’ at this point the world stopped and I knew again what was happening. Before the scan I had no bleeding, no cramps and still having pregnancy symptoms only to be told our baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks and there was no heartbeat. My heart was torn from me, my husband and I drove away and pulled into a car park to break the devastating news to our parents when we both broke down and sobbed into each other’s arms. We honestly had no idea and thought everything was fine.
I was booked in for an operation to have our baby removed 2 days later and spent 1 day in hospital which was the worst day of my life to date and since a day has not gone past when I have not cried. A part of me feels angry with everything and everyone, Why me? It’s not fair, what have my husband and I done to deserve this? Will I ever be able to provide my husband with the child we both so dearly want.
We are both so lucky to have our friends and family around to support us through these times but I can’t help but feel so alone and unable to talk about what has happened without crying. I feel defeated and crushed by what has happened and feel useless as a woman to not be able to carry my child. I can’t help but think it will never happen for us but I know this thinking will get me nowhere and I must be strong for everyone around me.
So, from here we have looked forward and have been referred for testing which I am hoping will show something which can be ‘fixed’ but also hoping nothing is wrong.
It has helped me so much reading other stories so if mine just helps one person to get though what I can only describe as the most heart wrenching time of my life then that's good.