How to support a colleague or employee after a stillbirth

On this page

Trying to understand what your employee or colleague is going through

Making contact

What to say to a colleague after stillbirth

Helping them decide about going back to work

Planning for their return to work

Talking about the stillbirth and their baby

Managing grief triggers

Continuing to be kind

Sources of support after stillbirth

It is very shocking to find out the devastating news that a colleague or employee has had a stillborn baby. Knowing how to support them and what to say or not to say can be difficult.  

Here is some advice from parents who have been through it. These are things you can do to support a colleague who has had a stillbirth. 

If your organisation is a member of our Pregnancy and Parenting at Work scheme, we have a specific module and resources on supporting a colleague or employee through a stillbirth.  

Trying to understand what your employee or colleague is going through

It’s not possible to know what a parent who has lost their baby is going through, unless you have suffered a similar loss. But being aware of what they might be feeling could help you support them with more understanding and empathy.  

It’s important to know that people respond to grief in different ways. Read our information about coping with grief after losing a baby to get an idea of what may be happening (emotionally, physically and practically) to the parents.  

Making contact

You may not find out about the baby’s death directly from your colleague or employee, and you may wonder whether you should contact the parent. This depends on your relationship with them. If you had a close relationship, we have information about how friends and family can support parents after a stillbirth that might be helpful for you.

If you are their manager, it is likely that you are the person who has been contacted, and you might speak directly with the parent you work with. You could ask if they would like you to tell others what has happened. If they would, without pressure agree with them what information you should share, when you should share it, and with whom. They can follow up later with more detail themselves if they wish.  

You may also ask if they have any thoughts about being contacted by others. But making decisions is likely to be very hard for them, so don’t push for answers. You can say that you will follow up by email.

Be aware that that there may be others in your workplace who have experienced baby loss but have not disclosed that. This news might be triggering so make sure everyone knows what support is available.

You may have an HR department that can give your colleague or employee advice and support. Your workplace might also have employee assistance programmes, welfare officers or other sources of support. Tell them what is available.  

Making contact for purely work reasons should be kept to a minimum (unless the parent has requested more contact). Remember that parents who have had a stillbirth (or a neonatal death) are entitled to full parental rights and benefits. We have more information about parents' rights and benefits after a stillbirth.  

If your employee is the partner rather than the mother or birthing person, find out what kind of leave you can offer them. Your HR department will be able to help you with any specific questions. 

What to say to a colleague after stillbirth

It can be hard to know what to say in response to the news of your colleague’s stillbirth.  

Some key things are:

• acknowledge what has happened
• keep your message simple
• use compassionate and supportive phrases. 

Going back to work can be a welcome return to routine for some parents. But for others it can be terrifying. Where possible, let the parent make the decision when they are ready. 

“Knowing what to say is hard, but not saying anything is worse. There is no silver bullet, we are all different. We feel in different ways, we grieve in different ways. Keep what you say short and simple: “I am sorry for your loss” and then be there for your colleague, to listen. They need to feel heard, for their loss and pain to be acknowledged.” 
Saffron, HR Director 

You may wonder whether it is appropriate to send flowers or a card. You may also get questions from colleagues about whether they should get in touch or send something. A card with ‘We are so sorry’ or ‘We are thinking of you’ is unlikely to offend or cause upset. It could also be treasured in the future as a tangible item that marks the birth of their child.

You may want to send a message starting with ‘There’s no need to reply to this’ so they understand there is no expectation from you to hear back from them. This can let them know you’re thinking of them.

Try to use compassionate, supportive phrases. Like “I’m so sorry to hear what’s happened”. Avoid phrases such as “maybe it was meant to be”, “everything happens for a reason” or anything beginning with "At least...".

If you know the name of their baby, write it in the card. This will acknowledge the baby’s existence, which is something parents have told us is important to them.

We have tips for talking about your colleague’s stillbirth, when they return to work, further down the page.

We have created a conversation guide that may help you support someone who is returning to work after a loss.

You and your colleagues may want to collect donations in the name of their baby. This can be a thoughtful gesture. They may know which charity they would like to support if there is one that is specific to their situation.  

We have some items here that have been chosen by bereaved parents as suitable to give in memory of a stillborn baby. 

Helping them decide about going back to work

Going back to work can be a welcome return to routine for some parents. But for others it can be terrifying. Where possible, let the parent make the decision when they are ready.  

"At first being back was scary as I had been in my house and mostly in my room for two and a half months... I didn’t have to look presentable or worry that my eyes were swollen from crying all day long. But now I was back at work and had to keep it together...as weeks went by it got better and I got more comfortable with what happened without breaking down." 
Sarah, who lost her daughter Alexa. Taken with permission from the book, ‘Life After Stillbirth’ by Sarah Smith.

Some parents might welcome the return to a routine before the end of the leave that they are entitled to. It might be helpful to let them know what steps they should take if they prefer to come back early, if appropriate. If you contact them about this, take care to do it in a way that makes it clear there is no pressure for them to return.

Practicalities or financial pressures may influence some parents’ choices if some of the leave is unpaid. It is their choice whether to take all the leave or just some of it. 

Offering flexible working

For many parents, a gradual return to work, starting with shorter days or weeks, could give them a chance to see what they can handle emotionally. Being flexible about working from home could be helpful too, if that’s possible.  

As the employer, you are legally required to consider requests for flexible working, although you aren’t obliged to agree.

"I would advise colleagues and supervisors/managers to be patient, sympathetic, understanding and have an open door. I had days in the first few weeks that I was back that I simply could not get through the entire day. There needs to be a great deal of flexibility to work through this adjustment. I went home at lunch time every day the first week I was back. Sometimes I would just leave an hour early. Other times I would leave after being there for 45 minutes. I was appointed one contact in HR to liaise with and check in with daily, and this was a huge help. She was supportive, kind, understanding and reassuring." 
Diane, who lost her daughter Chloe

Planning for their return to work

Try to plan for their return to work and think about how you will welcome your colleague back at team meetings or over emails. Try not to be tempted to add a positive spin on this such as ‘we’re really excited to have you back’.

Many people have told us that the worst thing was being asked ‘how was maternity leave?’ so try to think about how you can inform colleagues and close external contacts who knew about the pregnancy. 

“The role that the workplace plays in this process can be crucial. Providing an environment that is supportive, understanding and empathetic for a colleague that has suffered recent loss is an imperative, but it can be a sensitive road to navigate.”
Saffron, HR Director

Speak to your HR department about ways you can help your employee to feel supported and comfortable during their return.

Thinking about the type of work

If the day-to-day nature of the work brings the parent into contact with baby-related items or pregnant women (for example working in the babywear department of a shop, as a midwife, in a nursery or in an office where other women are pregnant), be sensitive to the fact that this may be upsetting.  

Some bereaved parents don’t find it very upsetting, but others do. The best way to find out is to ask what may upset them. If there is a way to avoid the situation, try to organise this. 

Talking about the stillbirth and their baby

Before the parent returns, they may contact you to tell you whether they’re comfortable or not with talking about their baby. With their permission, it is often helpful to share what they have told you with all your work colleagues (not just your own team) to avoid people congratulating them on the birth of their child.  

Even if the parent spends most of their time with their team, be aware that they will talk to the wider organisation too. Letting everyone know may help avoid upsetting situations in the future.  

"I had a new manager who I was introduced to by phone. He had been vaguely briefed on my situation and greeted me by asking me if I had enjoyed my maternity leave. My former manager had not mentioned my baby had died. It happened a few times after that - someone would ask, in the middle of the office, "Oh, you're back early. How’s your new baby?” No one had thought to share the news to prevent these situations where I had to explain my baby had died in front of everyone. Obviously, it was incredibly emotive and very difficult." 
Sarah

If they don’t tell you in advance how they would prefer to communicate about their loss, be led by them when they return to work. Make sure to do this sensitively and appropriately.

“I had mixed reactions from colleagues. Some hugged me, told me how sorry they were and extended the offer of help any time I needed it. Some either ignored or avoided me, or spoke to me as though nothing had happened. One colleague came up to me with a big smile and said ‘Welcome back!’ as though I had been off on my holidays.”
Heather

Parents have told us they found the following particularly upsetting:

• referring to the baby as ‘it’
• avoiding them or pretending it didn’t happen (unless they specifically tell you they would rather not talk about it)
• anything on the theme of implying that they can have another baby and that it will make it better – such as “You’re young, you will have another one” – try to remember that although may have another pregnancy in the future, it will not be a replacement for the baby who died
• talking about faith and religion if they are not religious – such as “He/she is with the angels” or “It is God’s will”
• referring to other children they might have, suggesting it eases the pain – such as “At least you have….". 

“The return to work was very difficult, although this was no reflection on how my colleagues dealt with it. Some just hugged me, others wanted to know what happened. This was ok as I loved talking about Joseph and it felt therapeutic.” 
Shelley, who lost her son Joseph

The parent may wish to have a picture of their baby on their desk. It can be very difficult for other people who have not been through a stillbirth to understand this and they may find it very sad and even disturbing. It may be helpful to warn colleagues about this in advance and explain that this photograph is very precious to the parent as a tangible reminder of their child. This approach may also help limit unhelpful gossip. 

“Another thing which really helped her I think was being allowed to have a picture of her baby on her desk (although I know a lot of people were very uncomfortable with that).” 
Amy, manager to a mother of a stillborn baby

Managing grief triggers

There are likely to be triggers for grief. For example, a colleague might visit during their maternity leave, or there may be pregnancy announcements. You can’t prevent these but being aware and sensitive to it will help your employee or team member. You could warn them when one of these events is going to happen so they can prepare themselves or avoid being there. 

“We were working in an open plan office, and although the whole of my team was incredibly kind and sensitive, the stillbirth just wasn’t on the radar of other teams on the floor. The most upsetting thing was the safe arrival of a bouncing baby boy in another team. When the team received the news, they read it out and gave a little cheer (entirely natural), and she heard. I can still remember the howl of grief that she let out.”
Amy, manager to a mother of a stillborn baby 

“The hard thing to explain to people is that you don't know what a trigger for your grief will be, until it happens. I had no idea that going for a hot chocolate on my morning break would make me break down in tears, because I used to go for that break every day when I was pregnant and so seeing the barista at the coffee shop was terrifying – how do you explain to a stranger you saw every day that you lost your baby? Yet when a colleague spoke about their one-year-old daughter, I wasn't upset at all.” 
Diane, who lost her daughter Chloe

Continuing to be kind

Your colleague or employee has been through a lot, so don’t be surprised if they struggle to concentrate at work, and that this goes on for a while. This is normal. Take it slowly. Grief can hit you in waves. They might be fine one day but find the feelings of loss and sadness overwhelming another day.

If it’s possible, let them know that it is okay to take some time out, maybe a walk or some time alone, in these situations.

If you can, record the baby’s birthday on your calendar or somewhere so you are aware of it and sensitive to it in following years. 

“It was the simple things at work that helped. If I was having a bad day, my colleagues would take me somewhere quiet or offer to cover me so I could go home.” 
Shelley, who lost her son Joseph

It’s important to recognise that there is no end point to grief and you may need to continue to be thoughtful. 

Sources of support after stillbirth

You can talk to our Tommy’s midwives for free on 0800 0147 800. We are open 9am to 5pm, Monday to Friday. The midwives will also answer your questions by email on [email protected]

If you are of Black or Black-Mixed heritage you can book a call on the specialist helpline that we run in partnership with the Black maternal health organisation Five X More, if that feels more appropriate for you. We may also be able to get free bereavement counselling for you with the bereavement counselling organisation Petals.

Saying Goodbye offers support, advice and a befriending service. You can also attend Saying Goodbye ceremonies across the country.

Ebony Bonds Bereavement Support offers compassionate help to Black bereaved families after baby loss.

Child Bereavement UK has support groups, offers counselling and lots of online resources.  

Twins Trust is the Twins and Multiple Births Association for support with losing a multiple birth baby.

Cruse Bereavement Care offers six sessions talking to a trained bereavement volunteer.  

Sands is a charity that provides support to anyone affected by the death of a baby. They have training and resources on bereavement in the workplace.