Returning to work after a stillbirth

On this page

When to return to work after a stillbirth

Preparing for your return to work

Be kind to yourself

Choosing not to return to work

Sources of support after stillbirth

Going back to work after losing a baby can be a welcome return to routine for some but it can be very difficult for others. Take time to work out what’s best for you.

This page has some things to think about when considering your return to work and some experiences shared by other parents of stillborn babies. We hope it helps.  

We also have more information on coping with grief, rights and benefits after a stillbirth and to help colleagues and managers support someone after a stillbirth 

When to return to work after a stillbirth

You will need time to recover physically from the birth and emotionally from the trauma of losing your baby. Grief can be exhausting, so it's unlikely you’ll feel able to work for many weeks or longer. Listen to your body.  

If you had your baby early, your due date might be as much as 16 weeks away. When that date arrives, it may be very emotional and painful so try to keep this in mind when planning your return to work.  

It is your decision whether you choose to take all the leave you’re entitled to or just some of it. Some people may need to return for practical or financial reasons, while others may find it a welcome return to routine.

If you’re thinking of returning sooner, find out from your employer what the process is for coming back sooner. You may need to give them a couple of months’ notice. But even if that is the case, ask them if you’d like to return sooner, they may be able to be flexible. 

"I decided very soon that I needed to be away from my empty home and distracted from my thoughts. I discovered that I needed to give 2 months’ notice to return to work early but thankfully they accommodated me." 
Sarah, who lost her son Tristan. Read Sarah’s story. 

The nature of your work may influence when you will feel ready to return. If it involves physical work, or relates to pregnancy and/or children, or takes you away from home for periods of time, it may be longer before you feel able to go back.

It’s important to take some time to work out what’s best for you. Talk it over with your family or get some advice from your GP.

"After Christmas I decided it was time for me to return to work. I’d been off for three months but it just didn’t seem right for me to be on maternity leave with no baby."
Shelley, who lost her son Joseph. Read Shelley's story.

Flexible working after stillbirth

Even when you feel ready to go back to work, when the day comes it might feel very difficult. Consider requesting flexible working. This could be changes to:

• your hours  
• your start and/or finish times  
• which days you work    
• where you work.

Employers are legally required to deal with requests for flexible working 'in a reasonable manner’, although they do not have to to agree to them. 

 I ended up taking 8 months off instead of the full year that I had planned. I didn’t rush into the decision but just took a day at a time and slowly started to feel that I might be able to cope with it. My employers were incredibly supportive and allowed me to do a very gradual phased return which made a big difference." 
Kathryn, who lost her son Arthur. Taken with permission from the book, ‘Life After Stillbirth’ by Sarah Smith.

"I had days in the first few weeks that I was back that I simply could not get through the entire day. There needs to be a great deal of flexibility to work through this adjustment. I went home at lunch time every day the first week I was back. Sometimes I would just leave an hour early. Other times I would leave after being there for 45 minutes. I was appointed one contact in HR to liaise with and check in with daily, and this was a huge help. She was supportive, kind, understanding and reassuring."

Diane, who lost her daughter Chloe at 40 weeks. Read Diane’s story.

Preparing for your return to work

Once you have agreed a date to return to work, you might want to organise a visit to your workplace or an online meeting with your team. You could meet some trusted colleagues informally. This way you could see them and talk to them in a more relaxed place where you are not surrounded by others, which can be harder.

Before the visit, or before your first day back, email your colleagues, your manager or HR manager. You could write about your baby and explain to them what happened. It’s a good idea to agree with them what information to share with colleagues. You might like to let them know things like whether you’re comfortable or not with talking about your baby at work and whether you want colleagues to know and use your baby’s name. You might want all your colleagues to be told what has happened, even briefly, to avoid awkward conversations.

It is completely up to you how you want to manage this but discussing it in advance might take some of the pressure off you and help colleagues understand your feelings.  

It is difficult to understand the grief of losing a baby unless you’ve been through it yourself. You might find that some people know what to say and how to support you, while others are uncomfortable or deal with it by behaving as if nothing has happened. 

"I had mixed reactions from colleagues. Some hugged me, told me how sorry they were and extended the offer of help any time I needed it. Some either ignored or avoided me, or spoke to me as though nothing had happened. One colleague came up to me with a big smile and said ‘welcome back!’ as though I had been off on my holidays." 
Diane

"I have had a few new managers and colleagues and I find it works best to explain what happened or ask a manager to explain on my behalf so that the awful questions don't get asked, which catch me off guard." 
Sarah

You might like to share our page for colleagues and managers with your work contacts to help them know what you have gone through. 

Be kind to yourself

Remember that you have been through a huge amount. Don’t be surprised if you feel exhausted or struggle to concentrate at work. This is normal. Take it slowly. You may feel more sensitive than usual or less patient. 

"At first being back was scary as I had been in my house and mostly in my room for two and a half months...I didn’t have to look presentable or worry that my eyes were swollen from crying all day long. But now I was back at work and had to keep it together...as weeks went by it got better and I got more comfortable with what happened without breaking down." 
Taken with permission from the book, ‘Life After Stillbirth’ by Sarah Smith

You also might notice that grief hits you in waves. You might be fine one day, and then on another the feelings of loss and sadness overwhelm you. Don’t be afraid to take time out in these situations. Try going for a short walk to get some fresh air. Or talk to your manager about finishing early. 

"It was the simple things at work that helped. If I was having a bad day, my colleagues would take me somewhere quiet or offer to cover me so I could go home." 
Shelley 

There are likely to be emotional triggers for you too. Maybe a colleague will visit during their maternity leave, a new parent might bring their baby in for a visit or there may be pregnancy announcements. Be gentle with yourself – it’s natural to feel a mix of emotions at these times. Talk to your manager about whether you can take a break somewhere else in situations like these if that is possible and if that will help you. 

"The hard thing to explain to people is that you don't know what a trigger for your grief will be, until it happens. I had no idea that going for a hot chocolate on my morning break would make me break down in tears, because I used to go for that break every day when I was pregnant and so seeing the barista at the coffee shop was terrifying - how do you explain to a stranger you saw every day that you lost your baby? Yet when a colleague spoke about their one-year-old daughter, I wasn't upset at all." 
Diane

Choosing not to return to work

You may choose not to return to work at all. Take time to think carefully about this. It’s hard to make any decisions about your future while you are going through a bereavement. You don’t need to decide until your leave comes to an end, and it’s difficult to know how you will be feeling at that point. 

"I took my years maternity and resigned when that finished. I didn’t feel strong enough to go back to work, or mentally ready. I did start going for interviews after my son’s birthday but again didn’t feel ready. I’ve now been offered a job and I’m really excited by it which is the first time I’ve felt like this in a very long time." 
Taken with permission from the book, ‘Life After Stillbirth’ by Sarah Smith)

Sources of support after stillbirth

You can talk to our Tommy’s midwives for free on 0800 0147 800. We are open 9am to 5pm, Monday to Friday. Or you can email them on [email protected].  

If you are of Black or Mixed-Black heritage you can book a call on the specialist helpline that we run in partnership with the Black maternal health organisation Five X More, if that feels more appropriate for you. We may also be able to get free bereavement counselling for you with the bereavement counselling organisation Petals. 

• Saying Goodbye offers support, advice and a befriending service. You can also attend Saying Goodbye ceremonies across the country.
• Ebony Bonds Bereavement Support offers compassionate help to Black bereaved families after baby loss.
• Child Bereavement UK has support groups, offers counselling and lots of online resources.  
• Twins Trust is the Twins and Multiple Births Association for support with losing a multiple birth baby.
• Cruse Bereavement Care offers six sessions talking to a trained bereavement volunteer.  
• Sands is a charity that provides support to anyone affected by the death of a baby. They have training and resources on bereavement in the workplace.
• Petals Charity can offer specialist counselling free of charge to bereaved parents whose babies were born in certain hospitals across the UK.
• Teddy’s Wish offers free counselling sessions for parents after stillbirth.
• The Lily Mae Foundation offers up to 6 free fortnightly sessions with a trained support worker who has experienced baby loss.