Tommy’s really helped me as I navigated that scary and confusing time

We weren’t really trying when I fell pregnant for the first time so that positive test was a surprise but we were super happy.

At around 8 or 9 weeks I passed a blood clot. I called my mum, who is a nurse, and she said to get it checked but it was Sunday so I couldn’t get a midwife and the early pregnancy unit (EPU) was closed. I didn’t know who to contact. I didn’t feel I needed A&E because I wasn’t in pain or bleeding but eventually called 111 and that’s what they advised. 

Perhaps naively, I was pretty calm, not thinking anything was wrong. They did a urine sample that showed positive but blood results would take a day. I still felt hopeful when we went back on Monday but the midwife told us my HCG levels weren’t good and she thought I’d had a missed miscarriage. 

She was very blunt and I couldn’t really understand. I needed a scan to check and it was horrendous, being surrounded by super excited pregnant ladies knowing that my baby had passed away. 

The scan confirmed that, unfortunately, baby hadn’t survived for some unknown reason and that my body hadn’t realised. We discussed next steps but I wanted to leave it to happen naturally and the next day I started bleeding which was really hard. 

Processing our loss

I think because it was an unexpected pregnancy, it had almost felt like this precious surprise. We’d been so excited, starting making plans, and to have that excitement turn to devastation in less than 24 hours threw me. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or leave the house and needed to be with Dan all the time because it felt he was the only person who understood.

I’m a teacher and the 6 week holidays came up soon after which was good timing because I needed to process my grief. It was so confusing, I’d never met this baby yet they’d left a massive hole. It’s still raw 18 months later. 

There were so many questions, why had it happened? Then you start to question yourself, was it something I did? 

There was no aftercare, just one appointment a week later to check everything had come away. The EPU gave us loads of leaflets but I didn’t feel strong enough at that time to reach out.

At the follow-up we asked about trying again. I didn’t want to sound like I was trying to replace the baby we’d lost but having had that glimpse into our future, having it taken away, I wanted it even more.

We started trying again in the September and it was hard, every negative test felt like another blow, but in December we fell pregnant. I only did the test because we were going away for New Year’s Eve and I didn’t want to drink if I was pregnant. 

Dealing with pregnancy after loss

When it was positive I could have dropped to the floor. I was so happy. But then the fear - what if it happened again? 

The reaction was so different to the first time, after loss you are robbed of that excitement. But after a while, I realised I couldn’t carry on feeling stressed and negative.

We had a private 10 week reassurance scan and Dan was super nervous in the waiting room but I said, “Everything is going to be fine”. I’d decided I couldn’t let my mind ruin this pregnancy. We heard a heartbeat and both cried.

I wouldn’t say I ever felt totally calm but it got easier. I had the worry but talked myself down, developed my own coping strategy because I didn’t want the joy of pregnancy taken away from me. I’d had cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) previously and some of those strategies really helped - journaling, categorising my worries as rational or irrational. It was a constant cycle of working through worries logically and trying to change my mindset.

The pregnancy was textbook and I loved it, felt so confident and on top of the world. We did a birth plan around 35 weeks, minimal pain relief, a water birth, and it all felt super positive.

Ezra's arrival

My due date passed but all appointments were fine, baby had head down and was good to go. 

At 40 weeks I was offered a sweep and induction but wanted to let my body do its thing. At 41 they offered again, I said no, but the consultant said I’d need to go to hospital twice weekly to monitor baby’s heartrate.

The consultant did let me know the risks, then she checked and said the head wasn’t where it should be but baby could have dropped down. I had a sweep and she couldn’t feel the head so I needed a scan.

I could tell something wasn’t right when they scanned over my ribs and I could see his head but when they said I’d need a c-section I burst into tears and felt like my world had crumbled. I’d constantly been told I wouldn’t need it, it never crossed my mind.

They needed an official scan from a sonographer to confirm so I was sent home but didn’t sleep the whole night. The next day they officially said he was breach and they were concerned there wasn’t enough fluid so the consultant admitted me that evening. 

That night I had contractions but, I don’t know why, I didn’t tell anyone until the next morning. When I did, they monitored me then the midwife came back and said, "Right, do you want to go and have a baby?" Five minutes later I was in theatre, there was no time to get stressed. It was all really calm and, within 10 minutes, Ezra was here.

It wasn’t the ending we expected and I’m not sure I’ve really processed that - I know it could resurface if I’m lucky enough to fall pregnant again.

Although they gave us leaflets after we had a missed miscarriage I wasn’t strong enough to reach out for help so I googled and found Tommy’s. The information on their website helped me understand what had happened in my own time and my own way and other people’s stories made me feel less alone. 

Tommy’s really helped me as I navigated that scary and confusing time. I’m so grateful I had that resource when I needed it.