Once my husband and I decided to start trying for a baby, it took us about 8 months to conceive, and our son Miles was born in 2015. I assumed it would take a while when we started trying again, so I was surprised when I became pregnant straight away in early 2017. Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks.
I was sad but I think I was quite philosophical about it – perhaps the odds were against us, but we knew we could get pregnant, so I wasn’t too worried.
Trying again after miscarriage
When I fell pregnant again 2 months later, my husband and I decided not to get too excited until we passed that 6 week mark where we had miscarried last time. Once we reached that milestone, we excitedly started talking about baby names and working out the due date.
About a week later, I was at work. It was 6am and I was the live reporter for the Breakfast Show on BBC Radio Hereford and Worcester. I was about to head out to cover a story about horses, so I popped my head into the studio to tell the producer I was off. Before leaving, I went to the loo – and noticed I was bleeding.
I knew what was happening and I broke down.
I was at a loss about what to do. I thought “I can’t go and tell the producer, she’s in the middle of a live show” so I decided to head out and do the live report as planned. I’m not sure how I got through that hour, but I did, then told my boss I was feeling sick and drove home.
Grieving multiple miscarriages
My second miscarriage was horrendous. There was a worry it could be an ectopic pregnancy, which can be life-threatening, and that same week it was my husband’s cousin’s wedding. He was giving her away and I was doing a reading, so we HAD to be there – but speaking to everyone in the church, whilst miscarrying, was one of the hardest things I have ever done.
My husband and I went through it completely privately, without telling a soul.
Though my job means I am good with words, I just didn’t have the words to talk about it to anyone. I took comfort from reading stories of hope and survival on Tommy’s website and social media; the voices of hundreds of strangers stopped me feeling so alone.
At an emergency appointment with my GP, I completely broke down. I asked her about going to the Tommy’s miscarriage clinic and she said that she couldn’t refer me until I’d had 3 miscarriages – but I think she saw how broken I was, because she put the request in anyway and managed to get me an appointment.
Pregnancy and parenting after loss
With my GP referral, I was able to see the Tommy’s specialist team in Birmingham – and at that first appointment, I realised I was expecting. Given everything we’d been through in recent years, I was terrified to be pregnant again, but the team were so supportive.
One of the midwives gave me her card and said I could call any time; that meant so much to me. I will never forget her kindness, smile and support.
The same midwife booked me in for a 6 week scan, and she was there when we saw our daughter for the first time. I then had a reassurance scan every fortnight until we reached 12 weeks, which got me through all the emotions and anxiety of those nerve-wracking months.
It was such a long journey to get there, but at last our rainbow daughter Clara was born on 4th February 2018: a truly magical day that I thought would never happen. We’re now parents to a happy and healthy 3-year-old who loves playing with her big brother Miles, 5.
This year, my friend and I launched a podcast called “When Are You Having Kids?” which looks at why pregnancy and parenthood always seem to be everybody else’s business. As we’ve talked to lots of incredibly strong men and women about infertility and baby loss, for the first time I’ve been able to talk about what happened to us, which has been really liberating.
When I was struggling, I took enormous strength and comfort from the stories on Tommy’s baby loss blog, so I hope sharing mine here will help others too.