My advice to dads is to make sure you talk - don't bottle up how you feel

Katherine had a kidney transplant when she was 18, so we spoke to a renal specialist who did some tests and gave us the green-light to start trying for a family at the end of 2023. Just 6 weeks later we had a positive test and were over the moon.

They found Katherine was high risk for Down’s syndrome and, because of the transplant, needed an amniocentesis at 16 weeks which I found stressful because, as a dad, you can’t take away the pain or anxiety. She’s the bravest person I know. 

The results were fine and we found we were having a boy. I immediately started imagining my little lad, playing rough and tumble, kicking a ball around with him.

Katherine loved every second of being pregnant, I remember her taking a picture, bump on show, when we were ready for my birthday night out and she looked stunning. 

That’s my last really happy memory of the pregnancy.
 

My beautiful boy

On 18 April, Katherine had some back pain and a little blood but we called the early pregnancy unit and they said it sounded fairly normal. Then she woke in the night and said she thought she was in labour, she was bent over in pain so we went to hospital. 

I remember her saying, "I might give birth to your son today". I said, "Don’t be daft". I couldn’t have been more wrong.

At hospital they confirmed labour and gave her medication to slow things down after monitors showed Archie’s heartbeat was strong. Then things changed rapidly, she was given medication for baby’s lungs and, soon after, vomited, her waters broke and we were rushed to delivery where they said she’d probably need an emergency c-section. 

From there it’s a blur of emotions. I remember thinking we didn’t have a car seat, the nursery wasn’t ready, it was too early.

With Katherine’s renal transplant and Archie being positioned high up, it meant it was a challenging c-section, but they eventually got him out. We didn’t hear a cry. Then they started doing CPR and I heard someone say they were giving him adrenaline. The staff were brilliant, reassuring - but Katherine is a nurse and I’m police, so we knew it wasn’t good.

Archie was taken to NICU and we went back to the delivery suite where her mum joined us. They had told us Archie was poorly and they’d update us when they could. I didn’t know what to do.

After a little while they updated us. He’d lost a lot of blood due to the placental abruption so it was taking time to stabilise him, but by mid-morning we were able to see him. He was gorgeous, full head of hair, 2lb 9oz, and just beautiful. 

Katherine has a video of the nurse taking his hat off so we could see his hair. Archie furrows his brow as if to say, ‘Leave me alone’. I remember thinking then, everything would be alright.

But just a little later came the knock on our door I’ll never forget, the neonatal consultant, and we could tell it wasn’t good news. 

Saying goodbye

The consultant explained they couldn’t stop the haemorrhaging and were running out of options, she explained they’d resuscitated him twice and risked hurting him if they continued. I was blunt, if they needed a DNR ['Do Not Resuscitate' order] they’d got it, because we didn’t want him hurt. We had to act in the best interests of our boy.

We had a blessing and naming ceremony. Archie Roy Christopher Mellor. When she was pregnant, Katherine had said our son needed a bad-ass name. When I made a suggestion she laughed and asked me to name a bad ass called Archibald. I told her Sir Archibald David Stirling founded the SAS - so we named our own bad ass Archie.

After the ceremony we had a candid conversation. The staff seemed taken aback when we said that, if stopping treatment was in his best interests, so be it. It was all about his best interests. 

We were in a private room when they withdrew breathing support, then he died in my arms.

The nurse asked if I wanted to bath him. If I’d been asked before this what I’d do, I’d have said, ‘No way’, but it’s the best thing I ever did, such a powerful thing and the least I could do for him.

It sounds silly but we didn’t want him on his own in the mortuary all weekend, so we stayed. 

I don’t know who came up with the idea of a cuddle cot, but I would pay them in gold bars because we got that precious time with him. The staff did lots of memory making and took photos which we treasure.
 

Going home 

On Monday it was time to go. Someone, clumsily, said they’d normally use a body bag and let the porter take him to the mortuary. But I was clear there was no way he was making that last journey on his own. So we tucked him in his Moses basket and walked him there.

We held his funeral at our local church and it was beautiful. He’s buried at Rothwell Cemetery and it brings me a lot of comfort to go there, tidy his grave and just talk with him.

We’ve both had counselling through Forget Me Not Children’s Hospice who have been really supportive. I went to their group for bereaved parents and I was the only dad. It helped me realise I wasn’t being stupid or soft, I was processing my grief.

I did have a complete breakdown on a recent night out, couldn’t stop sobbing, but my friends were brilliant, Katherine brought me home and then rang the hospice the next day to arrange a counselling session.

My advice to any Dad going through this is to make sure you talk. Nothing is worse than losing your child so don’t bottle up how you feel. 

You need to look after yourself so you are able to look after your partner as best you can. Every day hurts, for me, for our loss, most of all having to see the heartbreak on Katherine’s face.

Father’s Day last year was tough but Katherine bought me a really nice bracelet with Archie’s hand and footprints engraved which I wear all the time. We went to his grave, tried to celebrate rather than commiserate but it’s hard when you see people with their kids, their cards, their cuddles. We don’t have that and it stings.

Tommy’s website has been a fantastic resource and their research is invaluable and will hopefully spare other parents from going through what we went through.

Katherine fell pregnant at the end of last year, we went to see Archie and told him. We’re happy but it is complex. They think we’re having a girl which is bittersweet because we don’t feel we’re comparing to Archie but not having a little boy here is more acute. But we will tell her all about him, he’ll never be forgotten. 

We’ll include him in everything we do forever because he’s our son and we adore him.