When you've been through loss, you treasure being pregnant even more

I was 6 months pregnant when we got married, it was an amazing day. We’d had no problems getting pregnant with Bella. I had really enjoyed the experience and when she arrived, we were incredibly happy.

My first miscarriage

We left it a while before trying again. I actually didn’t realise I was pregnant again until the day before I miscarried.

I’d started with the most horrendous bleed that lasted 3 weeks. After feeling faint for about a week, I spoke to the GP who suggested I take a pregnancy test to rule out miscarriage but I couldn’t believe it was that. 

Eventually I did do a test which was positive but, the following day, it was negative which was just awful. I was in shock and really traumatised. All I could think about was trying again. 

My husband and I both really struggled. He didn’t know what to do and I was numb to everything except trying again and being with Bella. I went a bit crazy really, but having seen ‘pregnant’ on the test, it was all I wanted again.

I felt like I should be grateful

It felt silly to say I struggled because I know people go through a lot worse. I know how fortunate I am to have Bella. That’s what I kept telling myself - that I should be grateful. It’s strange, I felt awful for not being more grateful and all through that time I was surrounded by so many opinions - many from people who’d never been through loss. Yes, I had 1 child and I was so grateful for her but I wanted another. Did that make me selfish? 

I fell pregnant again and about 6 weeks after I miscarried. I honestly never expected it to happen again, but it did. I’d been so ecstatic when the test was positive. I even told my daughter because I was so convinced I wouldn’t miscarry again. But 6 days later I did. It was only 6 days but I just fell in love with what could be.

Afterwards I was quite depressed trying to comprehend that I might not have another baby. Nobody would take me seriously, nobody would help because I hadn’t had 3 miscarriages in a row.

Being pregnant after loss

I felt the only option was to try again and we were lucky. I fell pregnant the next month and was over the moon, but the anxiety was scary. I had 4 scans before the NHS 12-week one because I was so petrified something would go wrong again. At first I’d wake up 10 times every night to check I wasn’t bleeding because my first loss started in the night. During the day, I’d wear pads as I just expected to bleed and that anticipation was horrible. Miscarriage really does rob you of the joy of pregnancy.

It was only after 6 months the worry  just started to settle a little bit. Feeling him kicking and moving gave me comfort, but the only real option for this pregnancy was to take each day as it comes. 

Miscarriage definitely isn’t discussed as much as it should be. I’ve certainly never really let myself grieve. I just focused on trying again. But through my pregnancy with Jack Jnr I thought about my other losses. Someone said to me, ‘this is your fourth pregnancy’ and it was, but at the time I was still a mum of one. 

I almost felt embarrassed for feeling sad the first time then, the second time, I felt so embarrassed and so guilty, like I’d let my husband and daughter down. I genuinely felt like a failure that my body wasn’t working because I couldn’t give them a baby. 

Tommy's was the only resource I could rely on

I don’t know what I would have done without Tommy’s. I was in denial that I could miscarry because I’d had my daughter without problems. The PregnancyHub was brilliant for answering questions. After loss there are so many questions and reading stories from other people was reassuring. They make you feel less alone.

Tommy’s also felt like the only resource I could really rely on, a safe place to find research that you know is correct. Early on in the pregnancy I had some spotting and it was on the Tommy’s website that I found research to say progesterone had been scientifically proven to help. My GP was reluctant but I persevered and it was prescribed.

I’m so grateful for that research because I was having the same symptoms that I had with my second miscarriage and honestly believe the progesterone may have been the difference this time.