I’ve been a mother for years, I just haven’t had my babies with me

Jane had 2 missed miscarriages and the late losses of twins and then her son. With the support of Tommy’s she had a little boy, Lewis, this year. Jane lives in Stevenage with husband Jamie.

When we met, Jamie already had children from a previous relationship. After a couple of years together, he was keen for us to start a family but I initially didn’t feel quite ready. However, over time that changed and after so many years and so many losses it became something I was desperate for.  

After several years of trying and various tests and procedures, including a procedure to remove a complete uterine septum, we began IVF.

After a failed IVF cycle, and an embryo which didn’t survive the defrost, I got pregnant naturally, which felt like a miracle. However, I sadly suffered a missed miscarriage which was very difficult and left me bleeding for 10 weeks.

We started IVF again in February 2019 shortly after we got married and found it was twins. We were slightly terrified but also elated – our family was finally coming and would be complete.

We were slightly terrified but also elated – our family was finally coming

I had a bit of spotting early on but this is common with IVF pregnancies and, after a perfect 12-week scan my confidence started to grow.

At 19 weeks, I was in Scotland for the weekend and woke on the Sunday not feeling right. When I went to the bathroom my waters broke and I went into full blown panic.

At the hospital in Glasgow they were pretty blunt. At this stage there was nothing they could do. When they found the fluid had come from one twin, I felt hopeful for the other but, unfortunately, once labour starts they both come.

I was getting really sick with sepsis so, eventually and reluctantly, I had to agree to an induction which was devastating, but I had no choice.

It was not an easy delivery. After I birthed the first baby I started haemorrhaging and had to be taken to surgery to manually take him out and receive a blood transfusion. I also had to sign a form in case they needed to remove my womb which, fortunately, they didn’t need to do.

When I woke up it was over. I didn’t want to meet our babies at first but am so glad that I did now. They were small, but perfect.

I didn’t want to meet our babies at first but am so glad that I did now. They were small, but perfect.

The hospital didn’t do funerals for babies under 24 weeks and we weren’t in the right head space to make any other arrangements, so they were cremated with other babies that came too soon, their ashes scattered at a cemetery in Glasgow. Leaving them behind in Scotland was the worst moment of our lives so far.

It was only later that I learned I could have had the twins transferred to my local hospital in Stevenage for individual cremation, but we did what we thought was right at the time. Not having ashes or a funeral felt very hard though, and like they were never really here, they were ‘a miscarriage’.  

That’s something I’ve struggled with a lot, especially having subsequently lost another child 5 days short of what is classed as stillbirth. The word miscarriage doesn’t feel right.

The word miscarriage doesn’t feel right. It's something I’ve struggled with a lot

I had 6 free counselling sessions through Petals baby loss counselling service and found it helped - but nobody can take the pain away. And I felt angry at the world, then myself, worrying if I’d missed something.

An incompetent cervix was suspected. My consultant at The Lister hospital in Stevenage wrote to Tommy’s Professor Shennan to seek advice. He said that, if I got pregnant again, the hospital should do cervix length checks from 14 weeks and, if the cervix had shortened, perform a cervical stitch.

Following the loss of our twins we had one more failed IVF round then the clinics closed due to COVID-19 so we couldn’t try again for a while. After, another round didn’t work, we had one final embryo. In the October we decided to try again, knowing that, if it didn’t work, we’d have to draw a line.

Getting pregnant felt like a miracle. However, at 16 weeks my cervix had shortened and I had a stitch placed but I still didn’t feel safe.  

 I spent days on bed rest, praying everything would be okay.

At 22+5 my waters started to go and a test showed I would likely go into labour, which was devastating and incomprehensible. The hospital said, if baby came, they didn’t have the capacity to help him so we were sent to Addenbrooke's where they had specialists. My cervical stitch had failed, and had to be removed. I spent days on bed rest, praying everything would be okay.

I made it past 23 weeks but my infection markers started to rise, I was getting sepsis, so they recommended induction, hoping that he would survive the delivery but the contractions kept stopping and starting. When they checked 24 hours later our baby’s heart had stopped beating.

My husband cried but I was numb, knowing I would have to deliver another baby I wouldn’t be taking home. After he was born, I fell apart. We were able to spend a couple of days with Finlay in hospital, which was really special. I’d been scared about seeing him and, when I did, there was sadness, but so much love. He was our precious little boy.

There was sadness, but so much love. He was our precious little boy.

I’d started seeing a counsellor during that pregnancy to help with anxiety and kept going for 3 years because I needed the support.

A post-mortem found nothing wrong with Finlay, just as there had been nothing wrong with Ruby or Thomas.

Again, my consultant contacted Professor Shennan who spoke with us and recommended a transabdominal cerclage (TAC), reassuring us that it would give me a 90% chance of getting to 32 weeks should I get pregnant again. We decided to try, and I had the procedure pre-pregnancy.

We gave IVF another go and suffered another brutal missed miscarriage and 2 more failed transfers, before, after much discussion, deciding on one more go. This round worked. I did the first transfer last June and had a fairly uneventful pregnancy.

During the pregnancy I had several checks at St Thomas' Hospital under the care of Professor Shennan and his team and the reassurance this provided was invaluable.

Lewis arrived at 38 weeks by planned c-section, our little miracle baby. I still look at him and can’t really believe he’s ours. He is amazing.

It’s so important to highlight second trimester loss because there’s little support or understanding; it’s not really spoken about.

It’s so important to highlight second trimester loss because there’s little support or understanding.  It’s also not really spoken about, and there is a great deal of silence around baby loss in general which can feel extremely isolating.

I remember seeing an email after I got back to work saying I’d had a miscarriage and it was like a punch in the stomach because I felt it diminished my pain. I laboured my children, had a funeral, and will grieve for them the rest of my life. The word ‘miscarriage’ just didn’t feel right for such late-stage losses.

I laboured my children, had a funeral, and will grieve for them the rest of my life. The word ‘miscarriage’ just didn’t feel right for such late-stage losses.

I also found it difficult this year when people congratulated me on my ‘first’ Mother’s Day. I’ve been a mother for years, I just haven’t had my babies with me. Mother’s Day will always feel bitter-sweet.

It took us 12 years to have Lewis and there’s been so much sadness along the way but having the TAC was a game changer. The cervix isn’t checked as standard but, as Lewis proves, these losses are not inevitable. 

If my consultant hadn’t contacted Professor Shennan, and he hadn’t been so positive and reassuring in encouraging us to get the TAC, Lewis wouldn’t be here. Tommy’s has, for us, been life-changing.