I will always think about those babies I lost. I will always wonder.

Because my losses were early I almost felt they didn’t count - yet the grief is unimaginable. I will always think about those babies I lost. 

When I got pregnant with Nova, I was open with my son Enzo, explaining that mummy had 2 babies but they went to heaven. He had so many questions: would they have been brothers or sisters? Would they have liked football? Would they have looked like him? I will always wonder too.

Enzo had so many questions, would they have been brothers or sisters? Would they have liked football? Would they have looked like him? I will always wonder too.

My first pregnancy was amazing, a really beautiful experience, but Enzo’s birth was an emergency c-section which was extremely traumatic, everyone looking scared, having to sign forms while in so much pain. Afterwards, I felt so isolated and unsupported in hospital.

When I got home I just got on with it. I didn’t realise I had postnatal depression, just knew I was very sad.

But, as time went on, I also knew I wanted a sibling for Enzo and, conscious of my age, we started trying again when Enzo was 4. We tried for 3 years then, on my 40th birthday, I didn’t feel quite right. I did a test and when it was positive, felt elated, like our prayers had been answered.

Losing my babies

Three weeks later we were going away and, at the airport, I started spotting. I didn’t tell Ash, he found me the next morning, sobbing on the balcony and I told him I thought I was miscarrying. He just hugged me, what was there to say? 

I’m so lucky to have him, he’s been so present through everything and, in my own grief, I’ve had to remember he was grieving too.

I called the early pregnancy unit (EPU) to say I was bleeding and passing clots. They said to come in when I got home but I didn’t, I knew I had miscarried. I got pregnant again soon after but we felt different, less excited, more cautious.

I was at work when I noticed a little blood and went straight to the EPU where a scan found a heartbeat. They booked another ultrasound scan for the following week.

I felt so vulnerable but the nurse coordinator on reception was rude, not kind. After waiting what felt like ages, they scanned me. The sonographer went to get a colleague for a second opinion, then those words, "I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat". The room spun, I could hear them talking but it wasn’t going in. 

When they handed me leaflets and started talking about next steps I had to stop them, I needed time to process what was happening.

I got the bus home and just cried and cried, I couldn’t believe it was happening again, it felt so unfair.

The kindness of strangers

I went back to the same hospital for medical management, the same rude woman on reception, and I just broke down. A stranger walked by and kindly asked if I was okay. 

As I left my appointment, that same woman came out of her own scan in tears. I went to her, told her I was sorry, that I understood. We just hugged and cried. Later, Ash said that it was such a powerful moment, two women holding each other, mourning together for what could have been.

We hugged and cried. It was a powerful moment, two women holding each other, mourning together for what could have been

I did have some counselling, which helped, but I became anxious and withdrawn. I didn’t understand it was grief. I remember telling a friend that I should feel lucky, I already had Enzo. She said that I’d also had 2 losses and I needed to acknowledge them, to grieve, to feel sad.

Then I had an operation to remove an abscess and every time I went to get the wound packed, I’d cry. It was almost like being in physical pain gave me the permission to acknowledge the emotional pain I was feeling. It helped me start to heal.

It was almost like being in physical pain gave me the permission to acknowledge the emotional pain I was feeling. It helped me start to heal.

Soon after that, I got Covid. Isolating in my bedroom left me alone with my thoughts and there were a lot of tears. But I started to think about what would make me happy. I wanted another baby. I fell pregnant with Nova in May 2023.

Picturing our family together

It was an anxious pregnancy, with constant worry and lots of checks at the EPU. It was the same hospital, the same corridor, same smells, but I felt facing those triggers was part of my healing process.

I wanted a natural delivery but they kept pushing a c-section. I did have a call with a consultant midwife who advocates for women and she gave me some statistics and guidance. She was the only person who really listened, who gave me a voice.

The hospital said they could induce, again not what I wanted, but the only option for a natural delivery. In the end I had a planned c-section and it was a much calmer and more positive experience than Enzo’s birth.

Last Christmas my sister bought me a frame, at the bottom were 3 figures, a man, a woman and a child - myself, Ash and Enzo. In the top right corner were 2 little babies, our losses. We’ve now added a little figure at the bottom so Nova is on there with us too.

Working with Tommy's

I’d found Tommy’s through a friend who had been a long-time supporter. I read up on their work and it’s exactly what women need, a space to find support and advice. And their research is extremely important. Loss happens every day and Tommy’s works so hard to try and prevent that.

When Enzo got cast in the film for Tommy’s new campaign it felt like a real 360 degree moment because Tommy’s truly represents something so dear to me. Enzo enjoyed filming, and I explained that it was about the babies that are in heaven. It’s such a powerful film, so relatable and incredibly beautiful. 

Enzo taking part in the film feels like he has done something for the siblings he never got to meet. Watching him fly the kite and look up to the sky was a beautiful moment for me.

I spoke to a lovely lady on the filming crew and explained that Tommy’s was close to my heart. She mentioned that she’d suffered loss too. It was nice to have someone else to relate to the journey.

Enzo taking part in the film feels like he has done something for the siblings he never got to meet. Watching him fly the kite and look up to the sky was a beautiful moment for me.