I found comfort in knowing there was a community who understood my pain

Michael had said not to do the pregnancy test on my own but I couldn’t wait. I called him at work straight away and we were both so excited. I didn’t know about miscarriage then.

A week later I started bleeding but thought nothing of it until a friend suggested another test which was negative. I researched and put it down to a chemical pregnancy which seemed to be quite common.
 

More miscarriages

In April 2022 I was pregnant again and it was all fine until, around 10 weeks, I started bleeding heavily. I went to the early pregnancy unit (EPU) for a scan and they couldn’t find a heartbeat. They gave me leaflets on miscarriage, sent me home and said to do another test in a week.

I started bleeding the next day at work and, by the evening, was in serious pain and feeling like I needed to push. When I called EPU they said it was normal, my body was having contractions. They really hadn’t prepared me for that.

I bled for maybe 4 weeks then did another test which was still positive, as were bloods taken at the EPU. They did ask if I could be pregnant again which I explained was not possible. Then they did an internal which found I’d not passed everything. I was given an internal scrape and sent home where, later, I passed everything. 

Again I felt completely unprepared. But when I’d asked questions at EPU, I was left feeling like I was making a fuss over nothing.

My third, fourth and fifth pregnancies were chemical pregnancies so I was continuously back and forth to hospital for bloods but, by then, I knew the symptoms, I knew what was happening. 
 

My ectopic pregnancy

We were referred to the recurrent miscarriage clinic in May 2023 and I fell pregnant again in July. At 7 weeks I had really bad belly ache and started to bleed. At the EPU the bloods looked fine but they couldn’t see anything on either a scan or an internal scan which is when they first mentioned ‘pregnancy of unknown location’. I did ask if it could be ectopic but was told it was extremely rare.

When I went back for further blood tests, they weren’t negative but were not high enough hormone levels for a healthy pregnancy. The night after I had pain in my leg and shoulder and went to A&E, as the EPU advised. They gave me morphine which took the pain away but by 11am it was back and I’d still not been seen by a doctor.

I got a call from the EPU as I was due for a scan that day, they said they would come and get me from A&E. I think I’d prepared myself for an ectopic pregnancy so wasn’t surprised when it was confirmed. But then the manager said it had ruptured, leaked and I’d need to go to theatre.

Everything happened so fast after that, it was scary, so many people in the room, then someone said they’d need to remove my fallopian tube via salpingectomy. I was in shock as I signed the forms and there was no time for questions. 

I woke alone, in pain and feeling that I’d never have a baby again. 
 

Pregnancy after loss

That was last August, and we met with the gynaecologist in October who did tests which came back to say there were no underlying issues and, after having one tube removed, I had a 60% chance of successful pregnancy. But we didn’t feel hopeful, it was always ‘if’ we had a baby, never ‘when’. 

The grief of repeatedly losing something so deeply wanted was overwhelming, and I often wondered if I would ever get to be a parent.

We waited a while to give my body time, then started trying again in April. I had a positive test in May and started on progesterone as recommended. I did experience some pain, which made me panic, but the EPU said my bloods had doubled, which was good, and a scan showed something but it was very early so we went back 2 weeks later. 

At that second scan we heard a heartbeat which did feel hopeful but, even then, we couldn’t allow ourselves to get too attached. It was an anxious pregnancy, the EPU discharged us after a 10-week scan but we had private scans for weekly reassurance.

Every time I prepared myself to have that heartbeat taken away from me, I never really believed I’d be bringing a baby home.

At 24 weeks they found there wasn’t enough blood pumping to the placenta so we discussed induction and moved to weekly scans. I remember the Tommy’s website mentioned research into drinking beetroot juice which I did from that point. 

At 39+1 I was induced but both the pessary and balloon didn’t bring on labour so I ended up having a c-section because I just wanted him here safe. 

I’ll never forget the emotion, hearing his first cry, the happiness of knowing he was here. 
 

Comfort in community

I still have normal mum anxiety and I’m having therapy because I’d struggled with attachment in pregnancy, it’s not about not loving him, it’s just about working through all the loss and trauma. When I look back though, I wouldn’t change anything because it has all brought me to him. 

The pain of our losses will always be a part of me but I finally have my baby in my arms, a moment I once feared would never come.

After the ectopic pregnancy I had so many questions, that’s when I found Tommy’s and the support, research and stories made me feel less alone. 

In those moments of grief and uncertainty, I found comfort in knowing there was a community who truly understood my pain and was working to make a difference. 

Tommy’s research helped me to understand what was happening to my body and gave me the information and confidence to advocate for myself. The stories of others who had walked this path before me gave me the strength to believe that maybe, just maybe, my story wasn’t over yet.

The support Tommy’s offers isn’t just information, it’s about acknowledging the grief and the trauma that comes from pregnancy loss and providing a space where that pain is validated. Tommy’s represents hope to me.

I want anyone going through this to know that you are not alone, to know that there is always hope, even when it feels impossible to see it. 

Take it one step at a time, don’t be afraid to lean on others and never be afraid to grieve, your story matters.

I’m just thankful for everything that Tommy’s does, for the families still waiting, for those who are grieving and for those, like me, who finally see the light after the storm. Tommy’s changes lives and I will be forever grateful.