I couldn't believe how beautiful she was, how perfect she looked

We started trying as soon as we got home from our honeymoon and a few months later, in March last year, I was pregnant. I felt excited, but also scared, particularly at the idea of giving birth. But the pregnancy was absolutely fine apart from a little nausea.

I was nervous for that 12 week scan but it went well. You do tend to think that everything will be okay after that point but I now know that’s not the case, you don’t really know it’ll be okay until you have your baby in your arms.

We had a private scan at 17 weeks and found we were having a girl. Another at 20 weeks showed I had a low-lying placenta which might mean a c-section but they weren’t worried so neither was I.

I woke on Friday at 26 weeks and noticed she wasn’t moving as much. The low-lying placenta had shielded her movement, but from 22 weeks she had been really vigorous. Although I could feel her slightly, I did call East Surrey hospital for reassurance and they said to come in. We did, both thinking it would be fine.

They monitored me and said they were happy with her heartbeat but couldn’t get a consistent read. Five hours later they still couldn’t get that consistency, but they could hear her so they discharged us and said to come back the next day.

Hospital and heartbreak

Back at home I went to the toilet and felt a massive gush of blood. I screamed, Shaun called an ambulance and I went back to East Surrey where they found her heartbeat was a little lower but, again, they weren’t concerned. They checked and found my cervix was still closed but did keep asking if my waters had broken. I wasn’t sure, I’d only seen blood.

They continued to monitor me and, at one point, a doctor said she was concerned about the low heartbeat, that I’d need a c-section and that it would be better at a hospital more equipped to dealing with premature babies so they wanted to transfer me. Worried and upset, I signed forms then waited.

They did give me a steroid injection and a transfusion for her brain development which made me really sick and hot. At one point my eyes rolled back and I thought I was dying but, once the medication was in, I felt better and the midwife said it wasn’t an uncommon reaction.

A shift change meant I had to wait in reception for the ambulance to transfer me and wasn’t monitored, one of the issues that an investigation into my care is looking at, but at the time nobody seemed too concerned.

They are also investigating a delay in monitoring me once we got to King’s but, when they did check, they found her heartbeat, again it was low but, they weren’t worried. A few hours later a midwife came in, checked and her face showed concern, she brought in another midwife to check, then they sent for a consultant.

She did a scan and we could see how low the heartbeat was. She pressed the crash button and told us we were going to theatre where they did another scan. 

That’s when the doctor told us there was no heartbeat and asked us what we wanted them to do. I didn’t understand.

I was in panic so they explained to Shaun and I asked him to make a decision, he told them to go ahead with the c-section and do anything they could to help our daughter.

Shaun saw terrible things, them working on our daughter, me lying unconscious with blood everywhere. They worked on her for 19 minutes before telling Shaun they felt it was time to stop, he agreed. At that point he knew our baby hadn’t made it and had no idea if I would make it. 

I can’t imagine how he felt. Shaun had to be so strong for me he’s only recently started processing his own grief since we began seeing a counsellor.

I woke up but I can’t remember who told me Autumn had passed. I do remember them asking if I wanted to see her. At first I didn’t think I could but am so glad I changed my mind. 

I couldn’t believe how beautiful she was, how perfect she looked. I couldn’t believe we’d lost her. I was inconsolable.

Autumn was placed in a cold cot in our room and we spent precious time with her. I didn’t want to cuddle her too much, afraid I’d get to the point where I couldn’t leave her. Now I wish I’d cuddled her more but I know it was never going to be enough.

Shaun’s parents came and my parents flew back from holiday to see her. I remember repeating, ‘I’m so sorry’ because I blamed myself then, felt like my body had failed. I’ve found it hard to get past that feeling.

When they first mentioned a memory box we felt a bit unsure, a bit confused, but it has been such a comfort to us having her handprints, footprints and a lock of her jet black hair. The amazing bereavement midwife at King’s also arranged a photo shoot for us and those pictures mean everything.

Remembering Autumn

Leaving was awful but, as we got to the car, I saw a butterfly in the bushes. Our room at hospital was filled with images of butterflies so they always make me think of Autumn, seeing that one as we left made me feel she would always be with us.

The bereavement midwife was great, I still speak to her now and another midwife, the first to look after me when I arrived, came to see me before her shift even though I wasn’t under her care anymore. 

The midwife held me hand and cried with me, I’ll never forget her kindness. Women like that really help pull you through.

We didn’t have a post-mortem because specialists had already explained that I’d had a placental abruption and blood clots, there was nothing wrong with Autumn. It was, unfortunately, one of those awful things that can happen.

Afterwards I really struggled, I kept telling Shaun I didn’t want to be here, wanted to be with Autumn. Someone pointed me in the direction of Tommy’s and I found the website so helpful. I had supportive friends and family around me but didn’t feel they could really understand which left me very isolated. 

Reading Tommy’s stories helped, then I joined the Facebook group and still go on there every day. 

Tommy’s is a great community and people there have made me realise I can get through this.

We make a monthly donation, in Autumn’s name, to a memory box charity and we’ve donated to Tommy’s because I want our daughter’s life to make a difference. 

Baby loss shouldn’t be a taboo and talking about what happened helps to change that. I want everyone going through this to know that there is support there for them, that they are not alone.