The sonographer didn’t have to say anything except ‘I’m sorry’

A twin pregnancy

In November 2019, I was pregnant with twins, 2 boys.

It was an emotional moment when the sonographer told us we were having 2; we both cried at the scan with excitement and shock.  

It was a sunny day, so we went to sit on the grass after the scan to try and process the fact we were having 2 babies.”

But at around 23 weeks, I started bleeding, and this didn’t stop for another 10 days. I went to the hospital, where I was told I'd had premature rupture of membranes and would need to give birth straight away.  

My twin boys, James and Rudy, were born at 24+3 weeks.  

Our boys

Little James was born first and was the bigger baby. He was very beautiful and had silky soft hair. I treasure my skin-to-skin time with him before I had to give him to the nurses. James lived for 2 days.

Our second baby, Rudy, lived for 4 and a half months. We got to know him so well - he was the cutest and funniest little man.  

I was able to be with him every day of his life; we cuddled for hours and hours.”

He was in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) for 14 weeks, and we stayed in a parents' room. He then spent 2 weeks in the Special Care Baby Unit (SCBU) at a different hospital.  

On day 127, we were able to take him home.  But sadly, he became unwell twice and we had to take him back to hospital both times. He died in hospital in April 2020.  

Getting through our loss

The things we found helped us get through our loss were a befriender from a twins charity, and counselling from Petals.  

We also received perinatal mental health support and a bereavement midwife supported us after the boys died.

Our 2nd pregnancy

When we got pregnant again, we were still numb with grief but excited and hopeful.

But, at around 11 weeks, I noticed very light spotting. Then, at the 12-week scan, they saw baby wasn’t developing normally.  

We went to St George’s Hospital in London, where they confirmed baby was unwell in many ways.  

We were scheduled in for a termination for medical reasons (TFMR) at just under 15 weeks. But, we think we lost her a few days before the TFMR, as I had pains and bleeding.    

A rainbow

In our third pregnancy, we had a lot of medical support and extra scans.  

The consultant who had delivered my twins and looked after me during my second pregnancy, looked after me again for this one.  

We had extra cervix measurements and a planned induction, but he arrived earlier at 37+5.    

I just knew

We then got pregnant again, feeling excited and nervous. At a 9-week scan, we saw baby was dancing around, and were so happy.  

I felt confident enough to go to my 12-week scan alone, as the previous scan had gone so well. But, as soon as I saw the scan, I could see the baby had died. They were just motionless.  

The sonographer didn’t have to say anything except ‘I’m sorry’. I don’t remember much after that.  

It felt like all my grief from the boys, the tiny girl and now this baby all encompassed me in one moment lying on the scanning chair.”

I felt completely numb. My husband was waiting outside hospital with our toddler, so I had to compose myself. After having surgery to manage my miscarriage, we found out baby was a girl.

Dealing with grief

4 years on, the weight of losing my babies has lightened a little, but the pain and grief is still very present in my day-to-day life.

I miss them terribly. Their little brother is now 2, and he brings us lots of joy.  

My advice to other families going through loss would be: reach out to others. It can be such an isolating experience. 

Why I support Tommy’s

I support Tommy’s because of the research they’re doing into premature birth and pregnancy loss. The research is so important.  

I also called the Tommy’s midwives throughout my pregnancy journey. Whenever I felt a pain or was unsure during my pregnancies after the twins I called the helpline, and they were always kind. They never made me feel silly for calling.