Regardless of not having a child physically on earth side, I know I still am and always will be a mum

In January 2023, after a smooth pregnancy, Phoebe’s daughter Willow was stillborn at 39 weeks. Phoebe shares how she navigates her heartbreak, and what being a mum means to her.

06 February 2024

In January 2025, Phoebe welcomed her rainbow baby, Nova. She reflects on her experience:

a polaroid of Phoebe and her rainbow baby, Nova

My rainbow pregnancy was a whirlwind of emotion.

Seeing those 2 lines again after months and months of trying for another baby whilst also grieving the loss of Willow was one of the most unbelievable feelings I’ve ever had. But it also riddled me with anxiety. Constantly, I was testing as I just didn’t believe it was real.

As the months went on and the scans showed a healthy baby girl growing, I began to feel comfortable in the idea I may actually be able to bring a baby home. A sister for Willow.

But past the 30 week mark, it took me straight back to the anxiety of what if something goes wrong.

I knew there is no “safe zone” in pregnancy, so I was hyper fixated on movements and making sure she was okay."

Once I had the go ahead that I could have an elective c-section to welcome Nova into the world, I felt such relief. I had finally been listened to, and the trauma from my previous pregnancy also taken into account for this one to ensure I could bring my rainbow home.

Pregnancy after loss is super intense, and I think people forget that although you're pregnant again, you're still grieving your lost child, and all the feelings that come with that in this pregnancy too almost take the enjoyment out of it. It was all worth it in the end. Now I feel complete.

Being a mum for the second time

To be a mum for the second time around, and hear those cries at the top of Nova's lungs when she was born I was overwhelmed with so much emotion, that I had made it through. Those 9 long painful months were worth it. She was finally here.

I genuinely never have felt love like how I felt when I looked at both my daughters for the first time."

Nova has so many of Willow's features, which is bittersweet but also so precious knowing they share those. I look at her and can’t believe she is real, and that she is mine.

I am so proud of myself for getting through each day of my pregnancy, with people not knowing how hard it genuinely could be some days just to get out of bed due to the fear I had. It is a fear you really can’t explain unless you’ve experienced loss. I feel so lucky, and blessed to be her mum.

Another Mother's Day

I have mixed emotions with Mother’s Day this year. I am so excited for my first Mother’s Day with Nova and to celebrate the milestone of being a mum again, but I also think of the ones I should have had / been having with Willow.

A surprise pregnancy

I’ve always wanted children, but thought because of my irregular periods, I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant naturally.

So, when I fell pregnant in April 2022, it was a huge shock. I’d been with my partner Charlie just shy of 6 months, and we hadn’t been trying. But although it was massive shock to us both, it was one we wouldn’t change for the world.

I was a low-risk pregnancy the whole way through, and wasn’t worried. Although our daughter started to measure small from 30 weeks, there wasn’t much concern as she was still growing at a good rate. I was kept under midwife care the whole way as I never had any other risk factors.

But during the last 6/7 weeks of my pregnancy, I had episodes of reduced movements. This meant I had to go in and be monitored, but this was always okay once I had gone in and been checked.

Our daughter Willow

I noticed reduced movements again at 39+3 weeks and went back to the hospital. This is when I was told out of the blue my daughter had died. Words I will never ever forget and didn’t ever expect to hear.

Willow was born a day later via c-section, as I couldn’t physically or mentally cope with a natural birth knowing we had lost her.

She was a small but perfect 5lb 7oz and it was the best and hardest day of our lives.”

We stayed in hospital with Willow for 2 days and headed home afterward. We never found out why we lost Willow - her postmortem showed a healthy baby ready to enter the world. This is the most heartbreaking part.

Coping with grief

We have so many pictures, and all the keepsakes we have of our daughter are so special to us. We have a heartbeat bear, that holds our girl’s heartbeat. It comes absolutely everywhere with us. The hospital also provided a memory box, and we had visits from an emotional support midwife where I could talk about my daughter and story freely.

Willow was our first child, and our only experience of pregnancy, so for us to lose her has been so hard. But my partner Charlie is my rock, and I’m very lucky to have him.

Losing Willow has given us an even more amazing bond, as she is the glue that solidifies our love for each other.”

I also turned to Tommy’s midwives early on in my loss and never felt judged or rushed when telling my story or asking for advice. They have so much research, and support for anyone going through loss or pregnancy.

Still a Mum

Mother’s Day is hard, but is still a day to be celebrated. To me, being a mum is having an unconditional love for your child, a feeling I felt as soon as I got my positive pregnancy test. Regardless of not having a child physically on earth side, I know I still am and always will be a mum.

We’re still mums, regardless of loss at any stage of pregnancy, if you’re trying to conceive, or not able to have children. Even anyone who longs to be a mother, we are always mums. And I keep that so close to my heart.