One day we'll have a family, and this terrible experience will make it so much sweeter
Our first pregnancy
Since I met my wife Beth, we’ve been talking about starting a family together. We were so excited when we got pregnant for the first time, but this ended in a missed miscarriage at 8 weeks.
In hindsight, I didn’t process the miscarriage properly, I just went into pragmatic man mode.
It wasn’t until 6 months later it really hit me, which I blamed on being stressed at work.”
Bad news
When Beth got pregnant again, I didn’t let myself get excited at any point or think too far about post birth.
We didn’t buy any baby things except one outfit. We hadn’t even started preparing the house for a baby like a nursery and Beth didn’t want a baby shower.
My mum had started shopping for a few things, but I told her not to tell us what she had bought and to keep it all at her house.
I now know this was all a protection mechanism for me and Beth.”
Then, at 20 weeks, we found out our baby had a possible tetralogy of fallot (a congenital heart defect) at our 20-week scan. The follow up referral confirmed this at 21/22 weeks.
A TFMR
We opted not to go for amniocentesis as it would have taken us over the 24-week mark. The results wouldn't have changed our decision, which was to have a termination for medical reasons (TMFR).
Our decision was based on the quality of life that our baby was likely to have. We had a TFMR at just short of 23 weeks.”
When I realised the reality of TFMR, I felt shocked and scared. Again, there was some pragmatic man mode behaviour. But my main concern was Beth. I knew from before that communication was key and we needed to speak openly about everything we were thinking and feeling.
After 17 hours of labour my wife gave birth to our sleeping baby girl, Lily Rose.
It was heartbreaking, as we desperately wanted and want to start a family.
Getting through our grief
We’re very lucky that we’re close with both sides of our family, so we spoke with parents and our sisters to a certain point.
Other things I found helpful were:
Adopting a positive mindset and being grateful for what we do have – the fact we can get pregnant, a happy marriage, the fact we were able to make a decision and do the best thing for our baby, the amazing care we have received from the medical team, a loving family. These all help.
Knowing that this experience as a couple and how we care for each other is just further cement to our marriage gives me some comfort.
One day we will have a family, and this terrible experience will make it so much sweeter.”
Reading other people’s stories has been a great help.
In the following 2 weeks or so of Lily’s birth we spent time reading some chapter of recommended baby loss books and then would discuss how we felt and if we thought that the advice was helpful or not. If it was we would try to take it onboard. I have also found that stories not just of baby loss have helped, but of adversity and resilience. Two books I have really found to be a positive influence are Ed Jackson, “Lucky" and Rob Delaney, "A Heart That Works".
A dog – not one for people who don’t like dogs, but our puppy has been a life saver. She has made us exercise when we didn’t feel like it, kept us busy, entertained and made laugh and given us something to look after.
Last but certainly not least - Our amazing bereavement Midwifes (Bev Beaumont & Gemma Sayer, Airedale NHS Trust) and the medical staff’s approach to our whole experience in hospital, immediately post birth and still to this day I believe has been fundamental to us being able to process what has happened.
The way they treated us and the labour, the way they talked about Lily as a baby and our daughter, the time they spend with us and Lily after birth, the memory box they helped us create, the hand and foot prints they made for us, the way they have cried with us, the way they check in on us regularly to see if we are ok, how they have attended follow up appointments with the doctors and so much more.
I would hate to think about how we would be doing now if we hadn’t had such an amazing team.”
My advice for other dads
My advice would be:
Communicate with your partner - talk about everything no matter how painful or emotional.
Read other people’s stories, to know you are not alone.
When the time is right, practice trying to focus on some positives.
Speak to people - family and friends. People are kind and while they may not to be able understand or offer advice they can just be there.
Look after yourself and your wife. Mind and body. Keep active and keep moving forward. During the times when you feel able to be active and walk the dog or go for a run.
It comes in waves. Cry when it comes and if you can’t cry don’t feel bad. There is no right or wrong way to feel.”
If you were to think about this happening before experiencing it, you can’t imagine how you’d cope. But you do, take it hourly, half daily, daily, then by week and month.