I thought I didn’t have it bad enough to speak to a Tommy’s midwife, but looking back, I wish I had

Deciding to have a baby  

I met my partner, Graham, in a cheesy nightclub in Cardiff when we were both students. We’ve been together 26 years and have just celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary.  

I was unsure if I wanted children. Graham liked the idea but was equally happy not to have any. So, when we decided to have a child, it was a big deal.  

We’d planned to try for children in 2013, but this got delayed a couple of years because Graham was diagnosed with a benign brain tumour in 2013 and underwent brain surgery. Choosing to try for a baby was probably even more of a big deal after that.

Getting pregnant

When I first got pregnant in 2015, I was over the moon, I really was.  

Once I knew our baby was inside me, my whole outlook on life changed.”

I was symptomatic quickly. I felt completely connected to my baby and spoke to them every day. Everything was about them. My body was telling me what they needed. I felt totally in sync with them.

Our loss

But, at around 6 weeks, I went to the toilet at work and noticed bleeding.  

I panicked, googled, and talked myself into ‘hopefully it might be nothing’.”

I went to the loo again - no blood. I kept everything crossed. By the following morning, I knew I’d lost the baby. I didn’t ‘feel’ pregnant anymore as soon as I opened my eyes.  

I got up and went to the loo which confirmed my fears, and I literally felt my heart shatter in my chest.

Dealing with grief

I tried to just let myself feel what I felt, which I did, in the hope it would pass in its own time. I felt like nobody understood my grief.  

'Don’t worry, you can try again!’ ‘It’s really normal to happen first time.’ ‘Well you were only 6 weeks, it wasn’t really a baby.’ ‘These things happen for a reason, it was probably for the best.’

Frankly, I felt so bad, I wasn’t sure that I could try again and risk this happening a second time.  

I missed my baby. I felt like one minute they were there and communicating with me through my body, and the next the line was cut. I didn’t feel any better and couldn’t shake the feeling.  

PTSD

This is probably because I had PTSD, but also because society is bad with grief generally - and baby loss is like another step on from that.  

EMDR therapy helped with processing the trauma and grief a lot, though I didn’t access this as soon as I should have. I didn’t recognise I was having a trauma response - heresy really because I’m a Clinical Psychologist.  

That said, I’m only human, and I see people with PTSD who are far less functional than I was. I think I normalised what was happening to me more than I should have.

Miscourage  

I first found out about Tommy’s via the #Miscourage campaign on social media, which was coincidentally running when I lost Little Bean. I’ve tried to support the charity ever since.

I used Tommy’s online resources and read the research papers, which were a great support to me.  

I sort of felt I didn’t have it bad enough to speak to a Tommy’s midwife because others have been through even worse than I have. Looking back now, I really wish I had.”

I would encourage anyone who is struggling with the early loss of a baby to connect with a Tommy’s Midwife.  

A difficult pregnancy

After our loss, we got pregnant again, with my son Oscar. The pregnancy was hideous.

From the second I knew he was there, I was terrified I was going to lose him, just like I did Little Bean. I felt unable to connect with him, for fear of losing him, so I just felt sort of numb.  

Every day, I woke up with the thought ‘This could be the day I lose my baby’.”  

The only way I could deal with this was to stay present focused, and not think about the future.  

I had gestational diabetes, which meant I had more scans. And before every scan I had, I didn’t sleep a wink the night before. When my blood sugars were higher than target, I’d panic, thinking I was going to kill my baby.  

The most frightening period of my life

Discussions about things like birthing choices terrified the life out of me and I’d just agree to anything.  

I booked into antenatal classes at the last minute. I didn’t go baby shopping until 2 weeks before Oscar was due, and had spent several weeks doing graded exposure on myself to be able to go into ‘baby shops’.  I had a panic attack when trying on maternity clothes.  

I didn’t tell anyone about my pregnancy until I began to ‘show’. Every time I needed the loo, I experienced terror that I might see blood again.

For me, every day of my pregnancy was a trigger for the memory of losing my first baby.”

My experience of a successful pregnancy was not what I would have hoped for in a million years. It was by far the most frightening period of my life, ever.

Making space for my grief  

It took me until Oscar was 18 months old to seek out therapy, which has been so useful.

To make space for my grief, I light a candle on the anniversary of when I lost Little Bean and their due date. I also take part in the Wave of Light for Baby Loss Awareness Week. This helps massively.  

I also talk to Little Bean in my mind from time to time. I’m looking forward to being able to apply for a certificate of baby loss.  

All I have to say my baby existed is the pregnancy test. To have something that says they were here and they mattered will mean the world to me, and will give me a bit more closure.”

Tea for Tommy’s  

In October 2023, I hosted a Tea for Tommy’s at my choir practice.

The Forest Singers have a history of both loving to eat cake and raise money for good causes. This seemed like a good combination, so we scheduled our Tea for Tommy’s for Baby Loss Awareness Week. 

I asked members of the choir to bring cakes (baked and homemade) and cash to donate on the night. The usual tea/coffee break money went into the mouse (money box) on the night too. And the Drybrook and District Male Voice Choir took our left over cake and made a donation to increase our total for the event.