Although life is brighter with Evelyn in it, the babies I lost will forever be remembered

My diagnoses  

In 2018, I woke up with kidney and pelvic pain that never went away. It took 2 years of backwards and forwards appointments with GPs, urologists, gynaecologists to figure out why. In 2020 I had major excision surgery where they found and diagnosed me with severe endometriosis.  

After a year of healing, both physically and mentally, things started to get a bit better. I began to feel like my old self again, enjoyed travelling and had a wonderful social life.  

My husband and I decided that 2022 would be the year that we would try and grow our family and try to conceive.  

We knew that there were potential challenges that we might face with me having a diagnosis of endometriosis and adenomyosis. But, we didn’t expect what we were about to face.  

Our first loss

We found out we were pregnant after just a couple of months trying to conceive in August 2022 and were completely overjoyed. However, this was short lived, because just a few days after finding out, I started bleeding and experiencing the most awful pain.  

My tests were getting lighter and lighter. I knew something wasn’t right.”

I ended up in A&E and proceeded to have a traumatic miscarriage. This experience has stayed with me to this day.

Over the coming weeks I let myself feel all the feelings, grieve the loss of this little life and took some time off before we went back to trying to conceive. We had all the hope in the world that it would work out next time.  

It wouldn’t happen again

In November 2022 we found out we were pregnant again and so hopeful that this was it.  

We didn’t believe we would have another miscarriage… surely it wouldn’t happen again? But it did.”  

I miscarried just a week after finding out I was pregnant. My second one in the space of just a few months.  

At this point, we were starting to lose hope that we would be able to have a successful pregnancy.  

I asked my GP to be referred to Tommy’s Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic and awaited that appointment.

A third loss

We found out we were pregnant again in January 2023, just a few days before we were due to go away to Barbados. Whilst we were away, I was consumed with so much anxiety. I was having bad pain and cramps on my right side and I was so scared about having an ectopic pregnancy so far from home.  

2 days after I arrived home in the UK, I started spotting and having much worse pain, but this time it was different. I knew that something was wrong.  

I was admitted to hospital and although they couldn’t see anything on the scan at this point, they told me that they thought I could be having a suspected ectopic pregnancy and if I got any worse, they’d would take me for emergency surgery.

It was one of the scariest and heartbreaking nights of my life. The pregnancy ended via miscarriage in the hospital and my heart was shattered yet again.  

A referral to Tommy’s

In April 2023, my birthday came and we celebrated away in a beautiful cabin in the woods. It was peaceful, perfect and so healing.  

I had been seen by the Tommy’s Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic, who confirmed we could try progesterone pessaries as soon as I had a positive pregnancy test. I was in my 2 week wait and I had seen so many rainbows this month, I just had a feeling I was going to be pregnant.

We found out I was pregnant just a couple of weeks later, and we immediately went to the Tommy’s Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic. We picked up a prescription for progesterone pessaries to try and sustain this pregnancy.  

And it worked! I was 5 weeks pregnant when I first saw our little baby on a scan.

The team were so lovely and supportive. They made sure we had everything we needed and met us with such compassion and kindness.”

My rainbow pregnancy

It was a hard couple of weeks with a lot of pain, cramping and anxiety, but we couldn’t believe our eyes.  

The pregnancy after loss anxiety was rife. I constantly felt on edge, convincing myself that I was losing the baby.”  

We had follow-up scans throughout the first trimester with Tommy’s, which was so needed. It really helped calm my nerves as the pregnancy symptoms ebbed and flowed.

Pregnancy after loss was hard. It didn’t really get any easier.

The first time I felt like I could take a breath was when she was in my arms and even then… loss never leaves you. Not when you are pregnant, not when your baby is here. It’s always there, a stark reminder of what could have been.

I welcomed our rainbow baby Evelyn Iris on the 26th December 2023. Our little Boxing Day baby, the best gift we could have asked for.  

And although life is brighter with her in it, the babies I lost will forever be remembered. Miscarriage is awful and the hardest thing I’ve ever been through.