My body tried so hard to keep this baby, so much it didn't want to let go

Our first pregnancy

Last year, my partner Oliver and I decided to try for a baby. It was a challenge as I had an irregular cycle, but after 6 months we got a positive pregnancy test. We were elated.  

I had a scan at 7 weeks out of pure excitement, and we were over the moon when we saw a heartbeat. My pregnancy felt normal – I had morning sickness and all the other pregnancy symptoms you can think of.  

At the 12-week scan, we saw the baby on the screen and naively thought everything was fine. This was until the sonographer went quiet and then said the words "I'm so sorry but your baby has no heartbeat, it has died".  

We were devastated and utterly shocked. I had no bleeding or cramping, nothing to tell me something went wrong.”  

Surgical management

I opted for surgical management as I didn't want to wait for the inevitable. I just wanted to get it over and done with.  

3 weeks later, I did a pregnancy test as they tell you to, and it was still positive. The EPU confirmed there was tissue remaining and I had to have surgery again.  

When would this end?”

My baby had died at 9 weeks, yet here I was 3 months later still having to go through procedures.  

Trying again  

3 months later, we tried again. We got pregnant straight away, but this resulted in a chemical pregnancy. I had tests done, and my GP confirmed I likely had APS.

Support from Tommy’s

After my losses, I spoke to the Tommy’s midwives via phone and email. After emailing back and forth, when I hit a low point, I phoned them instead and left a message. When I got a call back, it was the same midwife that had been emailing me.  

The Tommy’s midwife recognised my name, my story and I just felt instantly supported.”

Something one of the midwives said has really stuck with me. She said: "Think about if this happened to a friend. You wouldn't blame her, would you? You wouldn't say it's something she had done and that it is her fault? So, why are you blaming yourself?" 

Not only do Tommy's provide emotional support, they’ve also helped me with practical support.  

I used the Miscarriage Support Tool, which provided me with reassurance that it doesn't mean it will happen with every pregnancy. Even after our second miscarriage, I used it and was happy to see the percentage of another miscarriage was still so small.  

Advice for others

My message to others going through loss would be: Reach out to your friends and family. They want to support you, even if they don't know what to say.  

Don't be hard on yourself. It wasn't your fault.  

At first, I was angry with my body- how could I have not known my baby had died? But then I started to be thankful for my body and look at it in a different way. My body tried so hard to keep this baby, so much so that it didn't want to let it go.”

The anxiety after a loss in immense when you fall pregnant again, especially if you've had more than one loss. Give your mind and body time to heal before trying again and never give up hope.

Baby loss isn't 'just one of those things' and charities like Tommy's make you feel seen, make your feelings feel validated. Reach out to charities like Tommy's if you need them.

The future 

I'm now pregnant again, and having daily injections. So far we’re 10 weeks in and hopeful for our rainbow baby. This pregnancy is the furthest we've got so far, and I don't think that’s a coincidence.  

I’m on daily injections, progesterone pessaries, and aspirin, and feeling very hopeful and grateful in this pregnancy. I can't thank Tommy's enough for getting me through one of the hardest times in my life.